Fight over those shoes, bitches!

Barry was a mall Santa, Barry found life tough.

Barry could stand no more, Barry had had enough.

Barry went to Hunter’s World, Barry bought a gun.

Barry started shooting kids, Barry found it fun.

Barry got aroused by death, Barry found it tops.

Barry washed his face with blood, Barry got shot by cops.

Some of you I am totally indifferent towards; some of you I consider tolerable, friends even; the majority of you I would like to see on fire.  That’s right I’m talking to you internet.

I have been out an amongst you all over the last week or so to see what this year’s Christmas hubbub is like and the only conclusion that I can surmise is… that it’s worse than last year.

I didn’t think the wave of junk food consuming arseholes could have been topped from last year but people I am here to tell you that you have out done yourself.

I don’t think that I have seen the fast food places around here so jam packed as I did the Black Friday weekend.

Black Friday; who the fuck fell for that shit?

it’s on!

Who do you think gave that day that title?  The people that wanted you to buy loads of their shit so they made up a day to get you spending more of your hard earned cash than you really should have.  Shame on you, you walked right into it didn’t you.  You wandered into the stores like cud chewing cattle with clumps of money in your grease stained mitts because some slimy ad-man put a sexy spin on a normal Friday afternoon.

You fought each other over the last of the bargains and stampeded through shops on their special BF midnight openings.  People were actually hurt and hospitalised in crushes and riots over products.  Humanity, you fucking sicken me.

And then followed cyber Monday, the day the fucking internet caught fire because of all the online shopping.  It was chaos.  According to the media who wanted us to believe it was Columbine massacre lever news worthy.  It was front page shit, along with Nigella Lawson doing loads of coke.

Does that make her more of a milf or less?

UBERMILF!

Imagine after one of her killer sticky toffee puddings, she leans over with a huge glass of Pinot Noir sloshing over your lap and whispers into your ear with that sultry, posh filth tone “I want to do blow off the tip of your penis.”  Just think about that for a moment lads… just a moment… and just a little bit longer.

Sploosh!

The majority of Daily Mail readers were probably appalled with her behaviour whereas the rest of us just shrugged and said “So?”

So what, the girl likes a bit of bugle, she’s not hurting anyone.  If anything she did it to take the edge off of her turbulent relationship with that Saatchi scumbag.  If we remember he did strangle her in public then lied about it.  The man is a complete wanker and we’re having a go at her for a little bat food.  Come on people, let’s show a little decorum.

Amy Winehouse does a shit tone of heroin and puts the videos of her bumbling about on you tube and she gets a state fucking funeral when she dies; Poor old Nigella turned to the old dusty showbiz as a form of escape from a violent husband and the press vilify her like some war criminal.

Speaking of war crimes have you seen the drivel pouring out of Channel 5 this Christmas?  They really have strung together the worst schedule of made for TV festive movies.  For example 2005’s ‘Meet The Santa’s’.  This is a sequel to the classic ‘Single Santa Seeks Mrs Claus’ staring possibly my favourite actor of all time Steve Guttenberg.

These really are the worst films that have ever been made and really seal the deal when it comes to America taking European customs and sticking their huge red white and blue cock into them.

America, could you please stop taking our stuff and fucking it for us, you are a bastard race with no history and nobody likes you.  you do not rule us so fuck off and get your own stuff, you morons.  Thanks and kind regards the rest of the world.

America

And before any American friends get fired up and ‘wanna go’ over the history thing, remember that I come from a town that is mentioned in the Doomsday Book.

Only in America could they take a magical, quaint family orientated holiday period like Christmas and make it all about advertising and shopping.  They have sugar coated the whole thing so that even in more traditional parts of Europe they have pretty much lost the meaning of it.  Most people only consider it Christmas when they see the Coke Cola advert with the big Santa truck.  When the fuck did this become a British tradition?  Thanks America for giving the world corporate diabetes.

But I have strayed from the path a little here, I’m sure my beef was with shopping rather than slamming the Americans for their blatant rebranding of tradition.

In town today there were a lot of people giving out flyers for various goods and services.  Like a fool I thought that they would be for quaint things like carol recitals or mince pie and tea evenings at the local salvation army.  How wrong was I?

The first that was thrust into my hand by an over enthusiastic woman was for a 50 % discount at a tanning salon.  That’s what I think of when I think Christmas.

Standing in a booth wearing swimming goggles getting sprayed orange with a dye that is sure to give me breathing problems in later life.

The second I was given was for Cash Converters.  I can only imagine loads of people queuing up to sell their stuff so that they can buy their greedy children stuff that they don’t need because they won’t stop screaming in toy shops.

I have never seen the point in putting yourself in dep’t for Christmas.  Why spend money you don’t have just so you can give a load of people a load of shit that they probably don’t want?

But anyway… I hope you all have a wonderful time and stuff yourself with treats and drink yourselves into a stupor.

I however will be worrying about my redundancy and how I’m going to pay my bills in the new year.

One last thing… avoid Bluewater, it’s like a riot.