furry bastards!

I still think that my favourite part of the pizza is the stuffed crust; they should just do crusts in a box like they do mozzarella sticks and that, or maybe stuffed dough balls with garlic butter.

 

I fucking hate rats, I can’t see how anybody would want to keep them as a pet.  I know loads of people that keep them and I don’t see the point.  ‘But they lovely’, disease carrying vermin is what they are; I want to stamp on every last one of the bastards.

Now I’m not the biggest animal lover as some of you know, I just see them as an animal.  If they don’t serve a function then they are pretty much useless and should be destroyed so the human race can move on without the distraction and expense of saving an animal that was destined to die out due to the evolutionary process anyway.

I have a mate that collects ornamental insects, spiders, scorpions, giant stick insects those kinds of things and he has this massive fuck off tarantula in his front room.  I hate the thing, and I think the spider knows this.  Mike has repeatedly mentioned that if I ever crash out around his house that he will put the thing on my head, take a photo and post it on the internet.  If this happens I’m filing that giant spider’s tank with a full kettle of water and put the lid on, boil me up some arachnid.  I have yet to pass out on his sofa.

I used to have a snake, it was an African whip snake and she was four foot long.  I bought her from a bloke with half his face tattooed after drinking a bottle of black Sambuca while on a bender down the promenade.  I got a massive tank for her with all the night lights, fake plants, heat pads and all that jazz, but there was one problem, I was scared of her… and she bit my mates face.

She used to dummy strike and was also capable of delivering a nasty nip when handled when she wasn’t in the mood.  I would often read, laying on my sofa and notice that she was staring at me from over the top of my book.  When she had seen that I had noticed her spying on me she would slowly coil back into her big piece of bark that she had made a nest under.  In the end I sold it to this hippy prick up the street and due to lack of care soon died.  I should have kept hold of her but didn’t have room for the tank after I had moved.  I still can’t stand that hippy to this day.

I’ve always wanted to keep tree frogs though; I think having a big upright tank of the bug-eyed little critters would be really cool.  Not as pets but more of an ornament, like a night stand or exotic lamp would be.  I like pets like that, low maintenance and mellow like a big tropical fish tank.

I once had a tropical tank and kept a blood red Japanese fighter fish called Akira but I went on holiday and left the feeding of the fish to a mate and when I came home it had choked on a stone from the bottom of the tank.

It was awesome for going to sleep, it had a night light in there as well as the normal day lamp and the sound of the bubbles from the filter helped me drift off no problem.  I’m thinking of getting another one when I move out of this dump, one of those big fuck off one’s that take up half your living room.  Yes!

There are just some animals that people shouldn’t own.  I know this girl that actually wants to keep a black widow as a pet, straight up.  She has been in love with the things for years and has found a place that breeds and sells the fuckers.  No forgive me if I’m wrong but aren’t those fuckers excruciatingly dangerous?  I’m no zoo keeper but even I could tell you that those things can kill a man with one bite, and she wants to own one.  Nutter!

It’s like chavs fixation with owning a Staffordshire bull terrier, I think you get one free when you move into a council place with your scumbag girlfriend and her litter of multi-fathered mongrels.

I heard a bloke on the bus talk about owning a pit-bull and how he would let it around his kids because he thought that the animal has been given the ‘devils dog’ modicum wrongly.  Of course they have mate, that’s why they are illegal here and when you do finally find out why, when your trying to pull free your infant daughter that is being shaken like a ragdoll in the jaws of the bastard mutt then come back and tell us that they are safe to have around people.  You only want the fucker so you can look hard and intimidate people you dirty estate scum.  I hope the thing turns on you and bites your stupid face off and I hope I get to see it… you mug!

just a word…

As I watch the severely burned paedophile with knives on his fingers chase a nighty clad teen with large breasts on my screen I realise that I really have nothing better to do today… let it rain, I can’t get wet in here!

I hate having a hang over, and it seems now that I am in my thirty’s they last a good couple of days.  It used to be when I was younger that I could shake them off with coffee and cigarettes or the occasional ‘full English’ at a greasy spoon but not anymore.

And you can keep that hair of the dog bollocks, the last thing I need when I wake up with a blinder is another fucking beer, a cuppa perhaps but not another drink.  I know this bird that swears by a Bloody Mary as a hangover cure and drinks them by the jug load the morning after, mind you she is a bit of a twat.

I couldn’t do that, chug a shit load of vodka and tomato juice after an all-nighter, get stuffed.  Just the smell of it would have me running for the dunny and heaving up whatever was left in my gut.  And it is also becoming apparent that I am becoming a bit of a lightweight due to me not having a social life anymore, I don’t really go out that much and when I do I hardly drink and this is due to only going out during the day and only seeing a bar when I’m in a restaurant.  A couple of pints with my stake or a glass of wine with the fish but I hardly get on it anymore.

And talking of social life, I’m glad to see that I have the full support of my friends when it comes to my new direction and career.  That was sarcasm!

It’s the people that a rarely see or haven’t seen in years that have taken an interest in what I’m doing and to all of you I give a massive shout out and thanks.

Hardly any of my close mates (and if you’re reading this you know who I’m talking about) have wished me well or asked how it’s going, it’s like I’ve been shunned because I’m not in a band anymore.  And do you know what, I’m glad I’m not in a band anymore, there are far too many egos in the music scene and when you see it on a local level its almost pathetic.  People thinking they are better than everyone else because they played an acoustic set in some shitty bar in town to about five fucking people who were their mates anyway.  Fuck you!  Fuck you with your shit haircut and pre stretched stripped shirt, you work in a fucking cloths shop in some mall selling skinny jeans to a pack of fake tanned wankers and earn next to fuck all, and you think your better than me?  Then you really are a moronic douchbag!

I love the way that some of these gimps used to talk to me and say hello when I was out and about but now they kind of blank me because I don’t fit in with their cliques, or they try and make fun of me with their ‘real’ friends by making snide remarks or only talking in little in jokes that only they get.  This is a shame because I think that most of these people are alright, guess I must be wrong.  I shouldn’t waste my time thinking about them and just ignore them when I see them.

Or, and this is just an idea now, I could make a list and go round and kill each and every one of these egotistical cock suckers till the town is a cool place to hang out in again, oh but wait… these pricks hardly ever go into to town nowadays because they simply can’t afford to, or they are just plain scared that a working class bloke might pick a fight with them and their stupid haircut, what a crying shame.  That’s what you get for wearing a pair of glasses with no lenses in them, twat!

But fuck them, this week has been a week of celebration for me and ‘why is that?’ you may ask… well I’ll tell you,  I have landed myself a writing job for a music e-zine, I have just received some very positive feedback from my university about my last lot of course work and I might be getting some of my short story work published in the states through a very reputable publisher (one that I shall not name just in case it doesn’t happen or it jeopardises my chances printing their name on this thing, ha-ha.)

So I have been hitting it a little too hard recently, I ended up asleep on the bathroom floor last night and I woke up wondering why I was so cold, I am a complete knob sometimes.  So today I have felt like complete shite and have pretty much just stayed in and slept.  I consider this a waste of a day, and I don’t like wasting my free time anymore due to me working all week in a shit hole.

I have been a one man party all week and why the hell not, it seems a little sad that I am celebrating alone but I have done this on my own, just me and my slightly damaged brain.  I would invite you all but you probably have better things to do.

So yeah, why the flying fuck shouldn’t I be cheerful and full of joy about the upcoming future?  Because now it seems that I have a future.

COFFEE TIME!

You can beat a bit of Bully on a Sunday…  And he’s right you know.  You get everyone huddled in the front room around the telly with the Sunday roast on their laps, listening to the banter between Jim and Tony, quality!

Dear anyone who is out there that gives a fuck, can I please have a bottle of ‘black blood of the earth’ concentrated coffee for my birthday, I have to try this stuff before I snuff it.  Seriously, this stuff is on my bucket list and would love to give it a go; it will probably be the thing that kills me considering it has x40 more caffeine in than a typical Americano.  Bugger me, talk about a buzz in a cup.  Check it out – www.funraniumlabs.com/how-to-consume Brutal!

I love coffee; it’s a massive part of my daily routine not to mention an integral cog in my writing process.  I don’t think I could function properly without a cup of Joe down me in the morning.  Literally as soon as my eyes are open the laptop and kettle are on then I hit the bathroom, without fail.  I’m usually having a cup before I realise I’m awake most mornings.

I have sort of grown up as a bit of a food and drink ponce over the last few years and really I don’t get on with the normal freeze dried crap,  I have to have fresh ground stuff when I’m at home and a really nice instant when I’m at work.  The crap that comes out of the machine is really quite shit but just about bearable as it’s not Nescafe, I find that has a little metallic taste to it.

I have found a great little Algerian coffee store in Soho that does one of the best Sumatran dark roasts I have ever tried.  It’s really rich and smooth and is great as an espresso, a real European style roast for those that like their coffee with an edge.

They also do loads of little bits in there to have with your coffee like real Turkish delight, those little mints in classic retro tins and proper Italian coffee biscuits’, well tasty and well worth a wander into town to check out – www.algcoffee.co.uk/scripts/prodList.asp?idCategory=1273

I also have a thing about American candy bars, especially Reese’s.  Everything they do is just stunning believe me; I have recently paid £2.99 for a Reese’s Crispy Crunchy bar.  Yes you heard me right, 3 quid for a bar of chocolate; I think I might have a problem!?

I walked out of the sweet shop in town today after spending £21 on munch and I only had four bars, a box of cereal and a couple of peanut butter cups.  I also paid nearly £2 for a can of mountain dew red alert, yeah…. I have a problem.

Mrs Mason’s sweet emporium in Gravesend town centre is the best, every Sunday I’m in there spending a fortune.  Seriously the little bird that works in there thinks I’m a bit mental paying all that cash for a box of cereal.  But it’s a really cool shop and I highly recommend the blue raspberry bonbons, superb and they have a massive range of American candy bars and canned soda so get down there and check it out – www.thebestof.co.uk/local/gravesend/business-guide/feature/mrs-mason%E2%80%99s-sweet-emporium/5292

Well that was brief and it was just about me being a bit of a glutton.  Fuck it, time for a fresh pot and a Baby Ruth!

all about A & E!

So let’s just say that we did just come from one man and one woman, Adam and Eve, does that mean that we are all related, and not just in a ‘we are all the human race’ hippy way, but in a weird, fucking your sister  kind of way.  Does that mean that the Christian church has no problem with incest as well as paedophilia? (or that women are mad from clay and a rib bone??? Madness!)

And it’s not the only reference to knobbing your relatives in the bible, for example the story of Noah. He was set the task of saving two of every animal on his ark but was only allowed to save his family to restart the human race.  This will probably explain why there is a massive population of inbred Christian a-holes in the states.

But this is just the start of the madness within the holy books of these backward arse cults.  Let’s take the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, two angels come down to have a look about and they visit the local priest.  While in his church a crowd arrives wanting to rape the angels, in a moment of enlightenment the priest offers his teenage daughters to the crowd to be raped in place of the angels.  The rabble agrees and a massive orgy of rape, violence and sodomy ensues.  PARTY TIME!

From this I can only gather that the lesson we can learn is that god doesn’t want you to rape strangers but it’s okay if it’s your own daughters.  Can’t really see a problem with that.

But then what do you expect from a religion that appoints an ex-member of the Hitler youth as their leader or, as they say ‘voice of god.’  I guess its okay to give a Jew killer this roll though as it was the Jew’s that killed their god, oh wait wasn’t Jesus a Jew also, no can’t be, and he’s defo from Idaho. And the fact the romans had absolutely nothing to do with the death of a Jewish revolutionary that threw all the Jew money lenders out of the temples.

I still don’t get some of these Mediterranean religions and their contradictory stance on the desecration of the flesh.  You can’t have a tattoo but you have to have your clitoris removed, making a decision to have some kind of body modification when you’re an adult is a no but having your foreskin chopped off when you are a defenceless infant, thumbs up!

Religion is a way for the weak to control the strong and I think it’s about time that the logical thinking people of this world should make a stand against this horrific form of self-induced, out dated slavery because that is what it is.  I refuse to be a slave to anything that I can see and know exists so why should I be one for something I know doesn’t exist.  And you can say that ‘I don’t know for sure’ but I’m the sceptic here, not my job to prove it to you, you have to prove it to me.  You are stupid to believe in god, but mostly just scared, scared that at some point you won’t be here and there is nothing after you close your eyes for the last time so you choose to hide behind a bedtime story.

And speaking of bedtime, you are judged not only in your actions but also in your thoughts, this god of yours will even hold things against me while I dream and if I was to believe in your fairy tales then I would be held accountable by pain of death for something that I dreamt.

And it doesn’t even stop when I die, it will just be prolonged for all eternity, no can’t get behind that, sorry.  You dumb fuck, backward Christian retards can take your holy book and go kill yourselves, every last one of you.  The fact that you are still on this rock believing this out dated trash is actually holding up the evolution of the species.

And I don’t even give a shit that some of you will read this and hate me, I really couldn’t care less.  If anything it will bolster my claims that you are all a bunch of hypocritical arseholes, aren’t you supposed to turn the other cheek and all that shit?

And don’t even get me started on the whole sin shit.  I know Christians that get pissed off when you challenge their belief system and tell me that they live by their holy book.  Fuck you; you have posted more pictures of yourself on Facebook than a teenage ghetto chick.  What happened to the sin of VANITY, oh wait, you’re only Christian when it suits right, only when there’s an opportunity to throw some kind of verse that you have remembered from school into somebody’s face.  Most of you pricks haven’t even read that book properly.

I have had arguments with people about their books and they’re talking about the devils involvement with Christ.  For fuck sake the devil isn’t even mentioned in the bible, FUCK!

I need to slow down, this is a rant I have had before and that you have heard from a million people.  But to all those that have been offended by what I have puked out here, in the words of the immortal Bill Hicks… FORGIVE ME!

first contact my balls!

The President sat in his lawn chair, the sun beating down upon his white Panama hat as he cooled himself with a long sip of his iced tea.  He wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked up at the secret service agent dressed in black by his side, he could see his reflection in the agents mirrored aviator shades as he said “Fuck em, kill the whole fucking nest of em!”

Now call me mad if you like but I really think that this is going on somewhere out there or I’m sure that it will be happening pretty soon and reported in a science and surgery journal at some point.

A total brain and nervous system transplant.

I can fucking hear you laughing from here but just think about it for a moment, man has been obsessed with the search of eternal life and we have started to move into real advancements into medical science.  We now have the skills to be able to remove and replace hearts and repair damaged nerves and tissue damage and the amount of money that goes into researching the most mundane of scientific fields.

All it would take is one psychotically rich bastard to pump enough money into clone research and he could have a never ending supply of clean, donor bodies to move his brain into after he burns out the old one, taking into consideration brain damage of course.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t going on already, some nutter out there has an island and you can go out there to retire in a utopian, eternal afterlife with a physical age of about 25 and a never ending quest for knowledge over millennia to look forward to.  Again, all depending on how the brain holds out.

I hope that some of those illuminate nuts get a hold of this and blow the bastard well out of proportion.  Imagine a world being run by lizard headed immortals; actually that’s what the likes of David Icke actually believe.  I’m not saying that this isn’t possible because we don’t really know but chances are that it’s most probably bollocks.  Check out his website, there are some great videos, links and articles, it really is quite bizarre – www.davidicke.com

The sad fact of it is that the world is really run by a bunch of accountants, not some massive alien brain in a jar deep underground in the Nevada desert; sorry to piss you off but there you go.  And I know that’s going to ruffle the feathers of the conspiracy theorists, and it should.  Conspiracies are another distraction put out there to divert your attention to what is really going on, because 9 times out of 10 the truth is a hell of a lot more dull than a bunch of bollocks put on the internet by the likes of Mr Icke.

Sorry to burst your deluded little bubble here but that’s just how the world works.  A conspiracy gets put on the net or printed in a magazine about a certain event and before you know it there are several different theories based purely on something some crackpot has just had a guess at or some advertising mogul has been paid to put out to distract the heard.

And I love some of these alien abduction stories, completely classic.  Do you think that a race of being so technologically advanced would come all that way, millions of light years to take away a retarded farm hand to stick stuff up his arse, yep that must be what happened.  If not that then they are taking cows away and mutilating them, come on, all that way and they fancy a BBQ, toss a fucking T-bone on the grill and chug a few brews and dumping the carcass off the side of the saucer.  Yeah, that’s what really happens.  So we have redneck aliens that are on a mission to make intergalactic gay dildo porno films and find the greatest BBQ rib sauce recipe. Hmmm!

And these dicks that think crop circles are mad by alien spaceships even though the myth has been debunked several times by documentary teams and the crop circle makers posting the footage of them making them online.  I have seen a farmer talking about this massive crop circle in one of his field saying that he saw a blinding light and then there it was, then the guy filming shows him the footage of these corn anarchists if you like, at work and the farmer says that the footage was bogus and still believes it was aliens.  What the fuck!  Mind you he was a yank and probably believes that Jesus is the most famous American of all time.  Keep sipping that moonshine grandpa!

The sad thing is you get people that actually believe these crackpots and investigate their stories, and what do they find you may be asking yourselves?  Bugger all, that’s right, sweet FA and why is this? Because in reality, it is mainly just a tonne of bullshit.

You know what if you want to believe that there are little green men out there ready to take you away so they can stuff things in your arse or that the White House is really just a massive reptile tank filled with toad like mutants that plotted the death of JFK and Michael Jackson then more the power to you.  Just keep them thoughts to yourself and keep away from me, I don’t want to catch your stupidity that you spread around like the flu!

Here’s some more bollocks for you to go and have a chuckle at, enjoy!

www.theoriesofconspiracy.com

www.ufocasebook.com/alienabductions

Try not to have nightmares about glowing fingers going up your bum or bursting into flames because you had an idea and thought about it a bit too hard.  Good night!

smash one out in public!

If there was ever a more shocking sight than opening the broom cupboard at the BBC and seeing Andy Peters with his pants down, fucking a duck like sock puppet over a table high on poppers!

So, last night was Mr Terry Lee’s birthday bash.  For those that don’t know he is the landlord of the Red Lion pub in Gravesend, a pub that I have been frequenting for many a year and one that I am proud to call my local.  This place lets me have a bar tab for fuck sake.

It has been the only real and consistent live music venue in the area and I hope that it will remain that way for some years to come.  I can also say that I was a part of the local music scene for a while and the good old Lion was the hub, nay the heart of that scene.

But, I digress; I could go on about how good that pub has been to me over the years.  Anyhow, last night was a good one and no mistake.  I can only really remember some of it but I know that I stayed out a hell of a lot longer than first intended and spent a hell of a lot more money too.

I only watched one band ‘Bad Sign’ so here’s a little review of what went down.  Well for a start off they are just a quality band from start to finish, every time I have seen them down there they just kill it.

A tasty combination of big riffs, huge drums and gargantuan vocals all thrown together in a pit of sweaty movement and head bopping rhythm.  Awesome for a good thirty minutes and you will not want to stop grooving around down the front or nodding your head at the back.

Only having one little tech hiccup during their last tune due to a, from what I can gather a busted wireless for the guitar, but dealt with speedily with hardly any piss taking from his band mates or the crowd, other than someone shouting ‘I’ve just cum’ when he got it sorted, classy dive!

Not just your average pub band and you can quite easily see them doing their thing on festival stages all over the place.  Seriously a band to look out for in the future and I’ll chuck their Facebook link at the bottom of this post.  A puka band for such a puka night!

So there it is, just a swift review.

But it wasn’t till far later that my night started properly and took quite an unexpected turn.  I have this thing that when I get drunk that I have to have a mooch down on the banks of the river and find myself a little adventure.  Well last night was no exception.

Apart from the fact that I found a tramp in what is known locally as the submarine pen masturbating next to his little rubbish fire that was in a can.  The dirty fucker.  I had walked all that way only to have to turn back because some bearded pisshead was having a tug in the pale moon light.  And it wasn’t like he was trying to hide; I think he just didn’t give a fuck.

I should have rolled the dirty bastard into the river.  But it wasn’t the sight of him pulling his pud that was the worst bit; it was the smell, the heady combination of 9% beer, unwashed beard stink and nob cheese, lovely stuff on a walk home.

I hope I never get like that and if I do, I hope I never get caught wanking.  I haven’t been so far, a few close calls but I have never been physically seen bashing the bishop.  Not even when I was a teenager and at the height of my wanking career, three to four times a day and I was never caught.  People may have suspected I was having a wank but never caught.

What could you say if you were caught, if it was by a fit bird you could possibly encourage her to finish it off but this is the real world and you would probably end up cleaning the cuppa up off the carpet from when your mum just happened to walk in, red faces and apologies all round, Ha Ha!  I bet that would make family night round the dinner table a bit quiet.  Let’s hope you’re not having bangers and mash.

‘Nan could you pass the gravy’ gets a bit of a snigger from your mum and a raised eyebrow from your dad, nightmare!

But anyway, happy birthday to Mr Terry (the godfather) Lee and thanks for inviting me to your shin dig and I hope you have many more like it and you keep that place ticking over for a good few more years and help keep the live music scene in the area alive, cheers mate and have a good one.  And it was Paul that ate all the sausages from the buffet!

TO THE BAR!

Oh yeah, here’s that link https://www.facebook.com/#!/BadSignBand  Go have a look and like and all that bollocks!

It’s just not cricket!

So what was good about Good Friday?  They fucking crucified some poor bloke for fuck sake, and yet you get all these people going out to buy fucking chocolate, I don’t get it!

So over the last year I have gone off of football a little bit, not a lot but just enough to not really care about it anymore.  I used to love the game and I have been trying to work out why I have gone off of a sport that I was so passionate about only 12 months ago.

Well, I have boiled it down to a few factors so here we go.

Number one – Wayne Rooney’s haircut, did he really think that he would get away with that one.  He ends a season bald as a coot then returns the following season with a full head of hair.  Now, let’s face it most football supporters  aren’t the sharpest of folk but we can still see, and you won’t find a harsher bunch of piss taking cunts than a pack of footie fans.

He got pummelled on the terraces, getting called everything from Wiggy to Elton John, ha-ha classic banter!

But it was his own fault; he really thought he could get away with nobody noticing that he had a shit load of horse hair punched into his scalp.  Nice one Wayne, it really looks natural, natural if you happen to be an action man.  It looks like fuzzy fucking felt.  You should stick to kicking a ball about the place and slinging one up old ladies, not the fashion world.  Goes to show he cares more for the way he looks than what he does on the pitch, which of late isn’t that much.

Factor number two – I have had enough of these so called high price tag players spitting their dummy’s’ out over their wages.  Most of these cunts get paid more in a month than the average bloke spends on his house in his life time.  Every time I read the back pages of the paper there’s some twat having a bust up with his manager about some stupid shit and going back home and ignoring the clubs attempts to contact them, then they moan that their wages have been put on hold till they return.  You play for the club who pay you, do not expect to be paid if you just fuck off somewhere, welcome to the real world.  Yes I am talking about that little cunt Argie; money grabbing, self-righteous, ugly little monkey Carlos Tevez.

What a fuck wit and he has a face like a smacked arse.  It’s okay to take the piss out of him due to the fact England battered the shit out of the Argie bastards in the 80’s and it looks like we’re going out there to have another go pretty soon.  And Shaun Penn can fuck squarely off to the jumper up little coke head, go make another shit movie about a bloke with special needs, twat!

And last but not least, factor 3 – I really don’t have anybody to go watch the footie with anymore.

Due to me making myself a bit of a hermit over the last year I have become socially detached from, and I use this term in the loosest of senses, my friends, and really don’t feel the need to stand in a pub talking shit and staring at the big screen anymore.  I’m not saying I’m better than anybody else I just know that there is better out there.  How about we actually go to a match, no?  No of course not, that would mean we would have to leave the pub wouldn’t it.

No I’m not fishing for sympathy like ‘oh poor you, don’t you have anybody to play with’ type thing because I have chosen to cut myself off from this pisshead life style.  I don’t like the way some people look at me like I’m an arsehole because I have done a small amount of drugs but they treat someone that drinks 15 pints in a night as a hero, fucking double standards I tell thee.

Well that’s about it on why I don’t like football much these days.  I’m off to put the kettle on, cut me a large slice of Victoria sponge cake and watch a bit of the IPL cricket T20’s, so much better than that ball in the net thing.

going live in 3… 2… 1…

That phrase, taking candy from a baby isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be…

… For a start the kid was crying its fucking eyes out and it mum took a swing for me at the bus stop, fat cow!  Stick that Crunchy up your arse!  I shouted as I ran down the street!

I watched something today that I had almost forgotten had existed.  Due to moving into an area that has more than one taxi rank within meters of my house and the town’s main bus stop just around the corner my free view box gets bled out by all the radio signals and diesel engines.  Not to mention that every time one of them youth comes past my place on its fucking scooter it scrambles the digital signal making things almost unwatchable.  Let me tell you, it’s a fucker when you’re watching live football!

So for the last five years I have not been able to get the BBC channels, until today that is when I retuned my Freeview box due to the digital change over.  Dave told me at work the other day that he sat and watched the end of BBC2 the other night.  The sky at night had ended and there was an announcement about how there would no longer be an analogue signal from this point fourth and the screen turned to snow, the BBC had gone.  How depressingly final I thought!

Anyhow, I now have the BBC on my goggle-box and I was able to catch up with an instalment of a show I haven’t seen in years, Eastenders!

What a pile of depressing want that was.  Nothing happened for thirty minutes, and I do mean actually nothing.  A fat orange bird tried on a pink dress, some bloke got water chucked on him and a fat gangster bought a kid some football boots.  High fucking drama!

And the state of that Bianca tart, what a fucking swamp donkey.  The sight of that sour faced cow actually made me want to smash up my telly; I can’t believe that they could let someone that miserable on to our screens’ then have the audacity to charge us for it.  Goatboy want his money back!  I would rather do time than have to see that nasty fuckers face again!

We actually have to pay for this shit to be made by law.  It is an offence not to pay your television licence, how fucked up is that shit.  I want to be able to choose not to pay and have the BBC channels switched off.  For five years I couldn’t get them anyway but was still forced to pay up or face a £1000 fine or a day in court.  Fuckers!

I don’t think I have shouted so much at my telly since I saw the last televised budget.  And that was a fucking joke, loads on money added to booze fags and of all things a massive vat add on to hot snacks.  The simple sausage roll is now twice the price so, the working classes get a kick in the balls while the ricer people in the country get additional tax breaks, alright for fucking some right… time for a wee uprising me thinks, but that’s a rant for another day!

The BBC is known worldwide for making quality programs with the advantage of no advertising so you can watch movies and sport without the interruption of the new Vagiseal advert.  But now the programming seems to be exactly like the independent channels, crap.  Horrid reality shows, crap soaps and celebrity dancing on shit, oh BBC, what have you done?

Maybe I have been gone to long from the Beeb and this is just the natural order of things in regards to broadcasting nowadays but it seems like it’s not too broad anymore, just repetitive dull crap designed to keep stupid folks glued to their sofas, balls to that!

I would love to write an episode of Eastenders, the death toll would be through the roof and everyone would come back as zombies.  And that Dot Cotton would be the first to go, fucking wrinkly old Jesus freak.  She’d be in the laundrette boil washing Phil Mitchel’s smalls when zombie Barry breaks through the door and eats her face!  Quality!

It’s time for us to get public access over here; I would have a show on that.  It would just be a shot of paint drying on different things for half an hour, better than that pile of festering shit Eastenders anyway!  And you could say that we have it with sites like YouTube out there but I want to tune in on my goggle-box and veg out with the like of trailer park of terror or Gumby’s house of porn… Ha-ha!

Let’s take over the BBC and rebuild society!

you cant smoke that in here!

There was a tribe in the South American rain forests that stated that if you ate the flesh of insects that the act would prolong your life for many hundreds of years…

… Just seen a spider in the hallway, think I’ll pass!

Let’s have a poke at those self-righteous, holier than thou dickheads, non-smokers!

It’s not fair to say that all you non-smokers are arseholes, but the majority of you are.  Looking down at as from the warmth of the pub as we stand huddled in the rain.  If you don’t like smoking or drinking why are you going to the fucking pub?  Stop trying to spoil everything for those that don’t really give a fuck about our health and live in the moment.  It should be you cunts out in the cold you smug bastards.  When we get cancer and are in hospital then you can have your gloating moment and tell us ‘I told you so’ not while we are in our local!  CUNTS!

You lot that have never smoked piss me off.  You have no idea how hard it is to quit smoking yet you let the words ‘well just give up then’ roll off your tongue like drool you fucking mongs.  Tell you what, go away and start smoking 20 a day for 20 years then ‘just give up’ and we’ll see how well you do you know nothing cunt.

But the worst of you fuckers is the smoker that has managed to give up.  They will tell you with great joy how many weeks, days, minutes and seconds they haven’t smoked for then tell you how easy it was giving up because they only really smoked like five a day, that’s not really smoking though is it, twat.

These are the twats that you catch smashed out of their minds at two in the morning with a fag hanging out of their mouths but won’t count that in their no smoking timeline because ‘I dint know what I was doing’, fucking hypocrites.

It fuckers like you that have spoiled the simple pleasure of lighting up after a hearty meal in a restaurant, sparking up in the pub with a few beers and good friends, the post coital burn whilst rubbing the stink off your cock from a hooker in a Premier Inn.  Thanks non-smokers, thanks.

But do you know what makes me laugh really hard about these healthy cock suckers, when they get cancer.  Because it happens, all the fucking time and it makes me smile every time I hear or read about it.  One of those fitness freaks you see jogging in the rain first thing in the morning that counts their calories and watches their water intake, cancer!  Fuck you!  CANCER!

And they never see it coming, never.  They think they can cheat death by running and eating salad, nope, when you’re up your up.  Cancer doesn’t care whether you smoke or no, doesn’t care if you only eat red meat twice a month.  Yes smoking can cause illness, but there are more people out there that are ill that don’t smoke, normal everyday folk that don’t get smashed on the weekends and smoke 60 in a two day bender.

Now I’m cutting down the old fags myself, not quitting but just cutting back purely because I can’t afford to smoke these daws not after the massive tax hike the government have jammed on to our snouts.  But did you know that within the houses of parliament there are bars that you can smoke in, just for MP’s of course, can’t let in the people that put them there.  Can’t have the rabble in there to enjoy such a simple pleasure that they have fucking taken away from the average working man.

Anyhow…

… All you non-smokers, enjoy your bars and clubs smelling like the toilets and bleach, enjoy being able to jog upstairs without getting out of breath, enjoy the space you have because most people are outside being social and passing around the Marley lights because one day when you’re hooked up to a machine that’s keeping you alive, I’m going to turn up, light me a cigarette and blow the smoke into your fucking face.

SMOKE EM’ IF YOU GOT EM’!!!

on your marks, get set, SHIT!

There was a cat on the fence last night when I came home from the pub but it had gone this morning… what can it all mean?

So how many of you are looking forward to the Olympics?

Yeah thought as much.  I’m really not sold on the thing, all that cash spent and all those small businesses getting shut down and for three weeks of running and jumping and throwing, just like being at school.

A bunch of steroid freaks and overtly muscular women trying to prove that they can run faster than some another twat, I find it all very childish, unnecessary one-upmanship televised for your pleasure.  Let’s face it you aren’t going to be able to afford tickets, so you might as well see it on the telly.  And yes, we are going to be footing the bill for this tripe for the next decade or two, nice that isn’t it, weather you wanted it or not you have to pay for this blown up fucking sports day.

Some of those women (if you can call them that) are fucking scary.  Some of them can grow a better moustache than I can, nasty great veins sticking out of their tree trunk like necks as they toss that hammer into a whooping crowd.  Those bitches are scary!

Imagine being in an empty changing room when Helga the Russian shot-putter comes in and corners you in the communal shower, biceps bigger than your head, eyes bulging from her last injection of horse steroids, her huge hand grips you by the shoulder as she whispers into your ear with a voice as deep as Brian Blessed’s the words ‘FUCK ME HARD LITTLE MAN!’  You’d be in real trouble with a woman that could snap your spin with her thighs, just like a bull queer in prison; you would have to do as you’re told.

But some dudes like that muscly bird porn and it has become more popular especially in our aesthetic and body conscious times.  I have seen some of the websites dedicated to the female body builder porn stars and it’s a bit worrying.  Some of these women look like trannys, all their femininity has been pumped away with hundreds of hours in the gym, but it is strangely alluring which is even more worrying.

Some of the pictures are well funny; dudes being put into different wrestling hold and head locks looking like they are going to pass the fuck out through lack of oxygen to the brain.  There were even a few pics of a female on male rape which was very odd; the dude did not look like he was having a good time with a girls arm up his arse.  When I say arm it looked like one of the incredible hulks legs, disturbing stuff ha-ha.

But there are some events in the Olympics that are worth a bit of your time for example some of the combat sports like Judo or Tae Kwon Do and some of the shooting events are pretty cool.  But there’s one that no man will admit to watching, even if they have an innocent interest in the sport and that is… Gymnastics!

Underage, under developed girls or square jawed, well-built dudes wrapped in tight leotards bouncing and springing around on a tumble mat to a bit of classical music.  Explain that to the misses when she gets in from work and finds you watching that on the fifty inch plasma in your pants with a cuppa on the go.  Just pray it’s not a hot day.

But back to the financial side of it, we as a country have skinted ourselves out for this freak show.  We will be paying for this for years to come after wards and we don’t even get a look in when it comes to ticket sales.  With the introduction of the fast track train service I will be able to bop down to Stratford to check out the atmosphere but do I really want to?  I don’t think I do?  I don’t really want to be asked where stuff is by hundreds of different tourists from hundreds of different countries just because they heard me say ‘how much is the hotdog’ at a food stand.  And I don’t think I want to just stand outside listening to one of the events due to me being far to working class to even qualify for a ticket allocation.

And you know what… good, I’m glad that I’m too working class for the Olympics, bring on the Football… but that’s another rant for another day.