I am still not a fan of going outside.
Just once I want to walk down a street and not see a single person and not have a car/van/truck fly past me blaring out music, the driver staring at me like he has never seen someone eating an ice cream before.
Yes it is strawberry, yes it is refreshing on this fine spring afternoon and yes I am wearing shorts… focus on the road and get of your phone, dickhead.
Went for a walk a while back through a local park and there were this pack of lads climbing over the benches all wearing a track suit with no intention of going to the gym and they all had the same haircut and tiny shoulder bags. I’m not sure but it might be a gang thing.
One of the ‘crew’ though he’d pipe up with possibly the most cutting insult I have ever heard; he said in a big bold voice “ice cream!”
Bear in mind that I had already passed the lads by quite some way so this was said behind my back. I stopped, turned and gave that ice cream a big bite and raised it like I was toasting them. They didn’t respond.
Then there was the incident with a dog I didn’t know.
Just having a stroll through of all places a cemetery when this black bull terrier came bounding out of nowhere and started jumping all over me in a manner accustomed to that breed. The hound was visibly aroused.
A woman came from around this massive tree looking a little flustered (what she was doing is purely speculation… I think she was taking a shit) say “oh, sorry, he won’t bite you he just gets excited.”
To which I replied “I’m more worried about him spunking up my trousers.”
Fucking thing was trying to have sex with me and its owner could do nothing. Had I been a small child the animal would have successfully accomplished coitus and after a local media backlash would have be humanly put to sleep.
I tried to cross the road the other day at the crossing outside my house and saw the opportunity to nip across quickly before the lights had changed. I was greeted on the other side by what I can only describe as a wall of mongs. It was a family of fat, greasy looking fucktards just standing their preventing from getting onto the pavement. There are railings either side of the crossing stopping me from going around. They just stood there smoking at me while I stood in the road in front of oncoming traffic.
I had to shout in one of their bloated faces for her to “get the fuck out of the way” to prevent myself from getting clipped by a car. I actually had to shout at her. I wanted to smash the fat fucks face in if I’m honest.
She was that fat her eyes had beer bellies.
Another occurrence last week while crossing the road. I was standing on the corner waiting for the traffic to die down so that I could cross and this pack of chav women with baby buggies surrounded me almost pushing me into the road. One woman was so close to me I could feel her breathing down my neck; her breath smelt of savaloys, cigarettes and horse shit.
Why would you want to get that close to someone on the edge of the road?
In my head I was wishing that they would all step out in the road at the same time a lorry driver puts his foot down and sends they whole fucking bunch of the rat-bags flying like skittles.
Some bloke the other day nearly got his foot stamped on while I was queuing up in Tesco. He was far too close to me and staring at his phone, not paying any attention at what he was doing and twice stepped on the back of my shoe. He nearly did it a third time but I told him to watch what he was doing or fuck off.
The look on his face told me that he had never been spoken to like that before.
His fucking parents brought him up wrong is what they did. If they had engaged with the little prick a bit better instead of leaving him glued to some kind of screen he may have the ability to walk places without having a touchscreen three inches from his face.
Give it another generation or so and we will be plagued with mindless stooped over zombie like children that will grow to have no skills other than being really good at Candy Crush Saga and having a shit tone of followers on Instagram. A generation of people that think a gallery of Snapchat nudes is art and that you spell the later, L8r.
We currently live in a world where we let Kanye West happen… your children are doomed.
Some will slip through the ‘dunce net’ but for the majority will succumb to blatant ignorance and stupidity. More people like Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj will be allowed to pedal their wears to the masses.
Remember when songs used to have metaphor in them, well now Miss Minaj is singing “I let him hit it cause he slang cocaine, He toss my salad like his name Romaine” to little girls while shaking her disgustingly fat arse up in the camera like we’re meant to be impressed.
Fuck off and die you hideous fat bitch and stop selling the idea of having anal sex with drug dealers to children… whore.
And as for Iggy Azalea, what the fuck happened there?
She’s got these mongy, beady little eyes which look like the penguin from Wallace and Gromit had a fucking stroke. She looks like a stunt double in the film White Chicks. And why does a white Australian woman think she’s some ghetto rat black American chick for that matter, does anyone actually know?
“But you know she’s quite talented”… nope; have you seen the footage of her on live radio trying to ‘spit freestyle’? What a fucking disgrace to the music industry. She was exposed for the fraud she truly is and if you are a fan of her stuff know this… I think you are retarded and have no musical taste whatsoever and that reflects on your personality which I guess would me I think you have next to none of.
And if you think she’s attractive I guess you like fat arsed, blockheaded women with hugely squared off jawlines that look like they have Down’s syndrome and Claymation character eyes… but you know… horses for courses.