I was awestruck as I checked the front of the paper; ‘mother of two kills demon baby in freezer’ read the headline but I cannot believe they dropped my fucking photo, do they know what I had to do to get into that morgue? Those slabs are fucking cold you know.
Outside I can hear the cars streaking through the wet roads, the rain hitting the tin roof of the smoke house in the store nextdoor and the distant calling of damp revellers and the sound of a man shouting the words to ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ at the karaoke jam at the pub on the corner. And I have noticed a distinct change in the temperature at night recently, it’s getting darker a lot earlier too and I’m going out on a limb here when I say that I think the summer might finally be over.
Last week I was in the yard at work and the sun had started to set and there was a slight chill in the air, to the point where I had to put a jumper on; some of the local kids had started a fire over on the waste ground out by the estate and the whole area smelt like a bonfire. Ah, it was great.
I love the autumn and winter months, I prefer the cover of darkness and the tingle of the cold air; wrapping up really snug and going on little missions.
And the winter is the best time for having a BBQ in my opinion, especially at some of the festivities; Newtonmas, Guy Fawkes Night (or bonfire night if you are uneducated), Halloween, Devils Night, Day of the Ninja, Hogswatch, or Día de los Muertos if you like your Hispanic celebrations, but there are loads of little festivals in the darker months and all a great excuse to fire up that grill.
There’s nothing quite like a massive fire, explosions in the sky, a big tankard full of mulled cider and the smell of a hog roast in the dead of winter. Love it.
Winter is the time when I actually go out of my way to by seasonal cloths, scarfs, fingerless gloves, bobble hats and the like. And it’s the one time when I will by long trousers the turn them into shorts when the spring chases away the darkness.
I also love the feel and fit of a good thermal pair of long johns, and if they have the butt flap in them, all the better. I purposely remove one of the buttons for that ‘hillbilly’ look; it drives my girlfriend nuts… Ha-ha!
And I do love a good bobble hat, nothing says daft arsehole like a Cosby sweater and bobble hat combo, trust me you might look like a tit but you will be properly warm.
I also can claim that I am the only man that I know of that has a respectable scarf collection, it’s at around about 10ish I think, does that count as a collection? (And why in the name of fuck am I telling you all this?)
I love the winter when everything gets really fresh and clear and you can feel the chill in your lungs out and the grass over in the park gets frosty and a slight mist falls over the cemetery, that’s when I like to go for a little walk and take a few photos. Awesome!
So as you can tell I’m not much of a summer person, it’s really not for me. Everyone is expected to be happy and full of beans because it’s a bit sunny out when really you’re stifling in the heat and sweating your bollocks off at night and moody at work through lack of sleep.
And I hate the amount of people there are when the summer hits. The place is crawling with kids and shirtless chavs, I can’t stand it.
You can’t go anywhere interesting because it’s rammed with tourists and screaming infants and you can’t go to the park to relax and maybe read a book under the welcome shade of a tree for fear of getting a Frisbee or football in the face.
And going to the beach, fuck, you can’t move for people some days, it’s like looking at an elephant seal colony that smells of coconut oil and cheap booze. And it doesn’t matter where you plot up you will at some point see a really old man changing from his speedos, his withered skin puckered from the cold of the English channel; his lengthy ball-sack stuck to his leg due to his dip in the salty sea. Ergh, the stuff of nightmares.
Yep, I’m defiantly a winter person, summer just doesn’t do it for me and call me mad but I prefer to be cold then get warm than try and cool down when it’s too hot, it’s not as if I have a swimming pool out on the balcony now is it.
So yeah, I really hope it snows this year too, nothing like a few days off work just fucking about in the snow with some mates. Going to the pub and watching the football by a real fire. Curling up in bed with cheese toasties and hot-chocolate, spot on.
I love how everything becomes quiet when it snows like a blanket has been put over the town and the traffic just disappears. I also love the way that everything becomes brighter at night like the snow soaks up the light from the moon and glows, the skeletons of trees dusted with a layer of white and the crunch of deep snow as it compacts underfoot.
And for all you atheists out there that don’t celebrate in the winter months out of principle, here’s a little something for ‘yule’ (geddit) to have a look at: