Monthly Archives: October 2012

I’m changing my name to Ebenezer!

With the first flurry of snow dusting the ground and the roofs of cars up in the north it got me to thinking about the inevitability of the coming of festivities.

It got me to thinking about how much people fuss over something so trivial and why we spend so much time and money on something that essentially just a group of fairy tales stolen from other countries and belief systems that have been stuffed into our culture for financial gain.

I saw one of those horrid little adverts about saving for Christmas in advance with the tag line ‘have a debt free Christmas.’  Why in the name of anything at all would you not have a debt free Christmas?  If you can’t afford to buy Xmas presents then don’t buy them, you are not obliged to buy anybody anything.  If your kids are hounding you for that thing that they will play with for about a day before moving on to the next overpriced fad and you feel pressured into having your entire family around for a free meal that you really didn’t want to lay on then put your foot down and tell them to fuck off.  It’s not them that will have to face the bailiffs when they come to take all your worldly possessions, it’s not them that will have to pull double shifts to pay for that massive toy bill because you have raised your young to be spoilt little bastards that should be drowned in a bag in a shallow canal to spare the rest of humanity from a lineage of greed and tantrums in public places.

How could you sit there and keep a smile on your face as relatives that you haven’t seen all year stuff their fat fucking faces with fistfuls of food like it’s the end of the world knowing that you have put everything you have worked for over the years (house, car, fuck off massive TV etc…) on the line just so people won’t call you a skinflint?  I would rather be called a Scrooge than risk everything for a pack of vultures.

I for one don’t celebrate the Christmas period; it would be hypocritical of me to do so.  If I did then I would have to recognise other holy days such as Ramadan or Diwali; I am not in any way religious so I don’t participate in stuff like putting up trees, giving presents or visiting family.  But what I can do is see Christmas for what it is nowadays and that is a massive waste of money that make hardworking people poorer and fat lazy corporate types a hell of a lot richer.

It’s the biggest time of year for these parasitic fucks and you can almost feel the heat from the friction of them rubbing their hands together drifting through the winter cold.  They even make the shops stay open later for the last month of the year so that the store workers don’t get so much time to celebrate and you can nip out and shop at 10pm, because the world would come to an end if you ran out of crackers for the table or tinsel to wrap around your neck to hang yourself once you realise you will be paying for this bullshit until next November.

I saw an ad in the Bluewater shopping centre about staying open longer on Sundays and thought ‘great, now if I feel the need to by sunglasses at eight o’clock at night I have peace of mind.’

YOU DON’T NEED TO SPEND MONEY CONSTANTLY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, even though they will try to convince you otherwise.

I see so many people that are miserable because they are skint and can’t go out and spend, and it pisses me off no end that they will project that misery upon me because I am content to be skint.  There is so much you can do without money, take a walk around some of the free places in London, or down some of the amazing country lanes that are out there, take some photographs even.

I am more than content to sit there reading a good book for a few hours listening to the test match with a cup of tea and a packet of smart price ginger nuts.  And don’t give me that ‘what if you can’t afford tea bags and milk’ bollocks; if you can’t afford tea bags then you shouldn’t be allowed to handle cash because your clearly shit with it, you can buy tea bags and milk for a pound so you can stick that tripe.

I was unemployed for a couple of months last year and was pretty much skint for most of the time, I had saved a little money from my meagre wages but not enough to be going out all the time but I still managed to keep myself busy.  Free internet at the local library, cheap bus passes and walks out on the marshes and local graveyards took up some of my time, I visited local forts and castles, parks and farms just to kill the time.

I also started to record my own grindcore cd’s under the guise of ‘STUMP’ which I think still has a Facebook and Reverb Nation profile if you want to check it out.

During this time I started a Facebook photo album called ‘my life in sandwiches’ which caused quite a stir within my friends list due to my awesome creations and use of varied ingredients on the quest for the ultimate sarnie… which by the way is Lincolnshire sausages with brown sauce and black pepper with a slice of Gouda cheese in a tiger roll by the way!

The point is, I just can’t stand people using the excuse that they have no money so can’t do stuff; no, your just lazy and have no motivation because you can’t go out and spend large amounts of wonga on shite that you don’t need, and I don’t have to spend a shit load of money on my family at the end of every year to appreciate their presence and if they don’t want to know me because I don’t get into the ‘Christmas spirit’ then they surely wont appreciate me for the rest of the year and aren’t worth my time.

I get the gathering of friends and family but I won’t play ball on this one so don’t come around my way with your hand out expecting to get fed because you will be going away empty handed and hungry.

But really I hope you have a good time one and all, and I sincerely mean that but you won’t find me panicking at the last minute due to running out of wrapping paper or that they ran out of stuffing in Tesco and I certainly won’t be fearing my credit card bill in January.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! X


Spinning the wheel… Wank!

So Jodie Marsh has become a body builder. I didn’t know this when I first saw the pictures, I just thought, ‘Wow, Iggy Pop looks rough!’

It hasn’t stopped raining all weekend and it has meant that I have been pretty much house bound, I can’t really complain as I have gotten tonnes of coursework done and have relaxed to the point of just sleeping for the two days.

But it has been boring, boring as fuck!

So, through this intense phase of the doldrums I have started to make my way around the McInterweb in some rather shady circles and I have jumped into that internet phenomenon that is CHATROULETTE!

Now, I have seen this thing before at a party; we all sat in our mate’s computer room and slagged people off via webcam while drinking large amounts of beer.  There is a mobile phone video going about of a man having sex with a stuffed toy racoon, it was one of the funniest things I think I had ever seen to that point.

But last night all I got on there was a pack of bored looking Arab guys and loads of guys beating off in front of their cams.  There was one girl that seemed normal on there from the states that said hi and said that I looked tired.  Wait, how normal can she be hanging around on the web watching old men masturbate… but then what the fuck was I doing on there?

I got to thinking that this might just be a haven for gay guys to get their jollies due to the distinct lack of women on there, but was that really the case.  Not all of them could be gay right?  Is it a meeting place for the gay community?  Really I don’t know; I haven’t done much research on the thing other than just sit there on it for a bit last night.

The other group of people on there were the parties of people on there just to laugh at the bears beating their meat.  There was a family of young girls and their mother from Detroit just creasing up with laughter so I’m guessing they saw something funny.  Now that’s family bonding, letting your young (possibly pre-teen) daughters poke fun at elderly gentlemen sharing an intimate moment with the rest of the world.

I feel kind of sorry for some of these guys on there, it could have been their first attempt at free expression only to have a pack of giggling witches point and laugh just as they’re about to hit the vinegar strokes… poor bastards.

How lonely do you have to be to just stand there and wank in front of a camera for the whole world to see?

Imagine going on there and seeing someone you know beating it, fuck!  Imagine how the conversation would be the next time you saw them, tense I’m guessing.

The guy from Germany in the gimp mask and the bloke from Iran in the bath were highlights for me, oh and the fat woman on the toilet waving, singing and I’m guessing here, taking a 12lbs shit.  THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE!

But yeah most of it was just blokes jerking off.

And the dudes seemed to be amazingly hairy, real bears with massive beer guts; probably why they are on the thing in the first place; “My wife left me and the kids don’t want to know… I’ll have a wank on the internet!”

I also saw loads of people sitting there with instruments so I played along and waited for them to start strumming there guitars or whatnot then just as they were about to sing their first note I would skip to the next person.  I am such a bastard.

I also noticed a lot of empty chairs so I turned down the brightness of my screen which is the only real light source I have for my camera at night the jump out at them as they came back with a cup of tea.  Makes them jump every time.

There were also a lot of people asleep on there, plumb tuckered from a hard evening bashing the bishop for the folks at home no doubt.

So yeah, I suggest that everyone should go and have a look at the thing but I really haven’t worked out what it’s for other than a form of childish entertainment and a way to get your rocks off with an almost limitless audience.

So… I’m off to position my new webcam so that you can’t see my face when I’m punching the ferret later on tonight for some fat blokes in Belgium…

… thanks for listening!


Safety in a Basket!!!

Whatever happened to ‘chicken in a basket’ being on pub menus?

I used to love stuff like that, real basic food made somehow exotic buy placing it into a wicker basket and adding a sprig of parsley.  It was like the basket transformed the taste of the chicken, the crispness of the chips, almost magically.

It reminds me of a simpler time when we went over to the social club after the football and had cheese and onion rolls or a pie while the adults got wasted on round after round of 4 pint jugs of cheap larger.  We would make a nuisance of ourselves down in the snooker room or play on the arcade machines munching our pies.

We would wait till they were just pissed enough to break out the cash and go to the kitchens for the aforementioned delights.  Chicken in a basket, scampi in a basket, chip butties or just the classic cone of chips covered in cheese and ketchup.

And what can I say about scampi in a basket that would do this masterpiece of culinary genius any justice other than to say it’s two of my favourite things in an awesome thing… stunning!

But don’t settle for one of those shitty plastic baskets, it’s really not the same; the basket has to be made of that horrid, dusty cheap wicker.

Anyhow…

Like I say, health and safety has a lot to answer for nowadays!

Health and safety is the main reason that the world has become stupider over the years without a shadow of a doubt.

If you need a fucking sticker on a plug socket to tell you not to stick a screwdriver in there when it’s switched on then you deserve to get electrocuted and killed.  We need to shallow this idiot pool of ours out so do the world a favour and run with some scissors you dumb fuck!

Some nob from the health and safety department has put a ‘caution – hot water’ sticker on the kettle at work… “REALLY!”

Well I would never have guessed if you haven’t come along with your extensive collection of pointless stickers and placed that on there.  Someone actually gets paid to come along and say “that there looks a little dangerous, have to put a sticker on that.”

If you drink bleach it will fuck you up!  Nobody has looked at a bottle of domestos and though ‘I wonder…’

I saw a sign saying ‘caution – mind your head’, but only after I had banged my head and looked up to see the sticker well out of my line of sight.  That worked then.

We should stop protecting stupid people and let fate, (if there is such a thing) kill the fuckers off.  Let them put there arm in a cement mixer or microwave their little brother, let them choke on the plastic toy containing egg in a kinder surprise, let them stick their head in an industrial press to see what happens.  If they are thinking what would happen if I leave the can of Lynx on the radiator then they deserve to be blown up and have shards of cheap alloy stick into their vitals.

I drive a fork life but still have to wear a high visibility vest/jacket when I’m driving the thing, why?  Just in case I don’t see myself and run myself over?  What the actual fuck?

Saying that I did hear of a guy that ran over his own head on a forklift fucking about, but I don’t think that a Hi-Vis would have done much good when the back wheels of the 3tonne lifter bounced over him splitting his head like a pumpkin dropped from a great height.  But then I can’t profess to be a health and safety expert.

And have you ever met some of these guys, they just go around looking for reasons to shut you down, looking for an excuse to get in your way and pull you up on the simplest of things, for example the sticker on the kettle.  Real jobs worth grade-A arseholes.  “You can’t go over there; there is a big hole in the floor.”  Shit man, if you hadn’t of pointed that out I would have just chucked myself in there and fucked myself up.  Come on!

If it looks dangerous I tend not to have anything to do with it just like I won’t climb into a lion enclosure at the zoo because chances are that I lion will probably fuck up my day.  Common sense.

And that’s what a lot of people are sadly lacking in this day and age due to the rise in health and safety laws.  If you don’t need to think about what might hurt you, you won’t know how to react or even spot a danger when you come across one.  H&S laws will make you walk straight into your own doom because you didn’t see a sign or a shitty sticker.

Hello; is this thing on…  There are no stickers in the real world!

I want to dump one of these health and safety guys into some deep fuck off jungle with their sticker and a clip board and see how far they get before they close the place down.  They would just have to stand there on the spot because everything around them is a hazard.

I guess that’s why they don’t do chicken in a basket in the club anymore, somebody probably burnt themselves on a plastic basket and the H&S guy shut it down… such a shame.


Just a quickie…

For all those that are following this stuff (and I wish you all well and send many thanks)

Don’t forget to follow my flash short story blog… some of it is actually okay so I’m told.

Enjoy!

http://smallpiecesofbrain.wordpress.com/


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