Monthly Archives: September 2013

Live tweeting my junkie cousins intervention

Imagine just how fucked up you’d have to be for everyone you know to get together for an intervention.

You going to have to be doing some hard-core junk or something really fucked up to have all your loved ones lure you somewhere just to sit you down and jam it home that you are being a cunt.

I guess you should count yourself lucky that you have people that give a fuck about you but think about it… your just enjoying your life and getting on with it; you don’t need these dicks telling you how to live your life.

You don’t tell them that their wasting their lives working 9 to 5, buying nice stuff  and bringing up perfectly healthy kids.  What’s it got to do with them?

Fuck them and their three family holidays a year, you’ve got ketamine.

And what if you do give up the drugs/booze/animal sex videos/celebrity stalking; does that mean that you’re going to live forever?  No!

They’re only doing it to make themselves feel better because ‘they care’.

Do they fuck; bloody do-gooders, now you’re as boring as they are.  At least when you were on the drugs you had a social life, right.

What now?  Another night stuck indoors, flicking between channels and ordering a meat free pizza because you’re not allowed to go clubbing with your ‘druggie’ mates.  What do they know?

They haven’t doubled dropped pills with a Brazilian model in a Belgian bar or spent a night in a cheap hotel with a stripper and a bag of coke the size of an apple.

all right mate, your ashtrays full!

all right mate, your ashtrays full!

So what you lost your wife and kids and a tramp is now living in your car because it’s off the road and you can’t afford to run it anymore.

Who cares, that tramp gets good weed and sorts out your recycling.

Some bloke was living in my mum’s old car just before she moved down to the coast several years ago but she was too scared to do anything about it.  I believe his name was Matt and she sort of knew him from somewhere.

He had gotten in one weekend when she was away and refused to go because he had ‘issues’ and problems with family.  My mum is a bit of a believer in helping people in times of need; I however am not.  Fucking crack head.

I said what he needed was a good kicking.

My last straw was when my mum told my brother and me that she was leaving for work one morning and caught the man taking a shit just outside her back gate where the car was parked.  We wanted to go down there with hammers and throw the prick in the river.

In the end her boyfriend at the time, a giant Irish pub owner smashed the dude up with a bit of 2×4.  How we laughed.

I still think we should have thrown him in the river.

Break his arms first though.

Of course.

A mate told me about one of his neighbours had come home from a holiday to find two Polish blokes had moved into his shed at the very bottom of their garden.  Their excuse was that because the house was empty for two weeks they assumed that the house was abandoned.

Turns out they had plans to break into the property and squat the place out.  Fuck that.  I’d chuck a match to the bastard and settle up with the insurance once they’ve pulled out all the immolated eastern European builder’s corpses.

But I digress.

A few of the lad’s at work started talking about social networking today and one of the agency bods said that he preferred Facebook over twitter because twitter was more along the lines of selling yourself.  When asked what he meant he didn’t know why he had said it and didn’t really know what he had meant by his statement.

A day later we still don’t know what he meant.

I said that I preferred twitter for a few reasons.

twittertweetsI like the fact that it’s only 140 characters.  This cuts down on depressive dickheads droning on about how shit their day is going.  (Coming from a bloke that has a blog about moaning!  Ha-ha!)

It seems to be a bit of a twat free zone.  Again, I’m putting this down to the limit on the amount you can type in there.  Cuts down on the troll factor.

You can do some real celebrity stalking from birds that get their tits out in the paper to A-list Hollywood types.  You can actually have a wank over Hillary Duff’s photos and it isn’t one of those creepy fan sites set up by a fat, balding sex predator.

But best of all… no invites.  I don’t want to go to your gig on Thursday in a country 3000 miles away.  I don’t want to send you an extra life on ‘Sparkle Cunt’ or whatever shit puzzle game you’re playing.  I don’t want to sponsor some mate of yours that I have never met because he’s doing a sponsored walk for something or other.  I don’t want to check out your model page.

FUCK OFF!

But then maybe I use these networks a little too much.

I can imagine my intervention.

My mum sitting there after they have trapped me in some shit hotel room by the coast asking me to get rid of my laptop and try going outside for a bit.  “Get out there Greg and see some of the world, meet people.”  I don’t want to, your all out to get me.

Do one mum, I live my own life now.  If I liked you all I wouldn’t have left home.  HA!

I kid, she’s alright I suppose.


We need Joe Swash… or the Chinese equivalent

Why is it that every time I’m messing about and do like a Bruce Lee impersonation, a phoney oriental accent or I start singing the Hong Kong Phooey theme tune I turn around to see an Asian person there?

I was at the zoo a while back, in the aquarium which was quite dark and I was admiring this large red sea bass.  I saw a small dark figure sidle up next to me which I took to be my lady friend and without thinking proceeded to say ‘that’s a fucking big sea bass’ in a really thick Chinese accent.

Horrified was I to find standing there a Chinese family that looked like I had just taken a shit on the floor or punched one of their children.  They were less than impressed.

I might as well have mugged them and ran off screaming, “Ha ha… welcome to England you slant eyed yellow fiends!”  Luckily they didn’t report me and I’m sure I didn’t ruin their holiday too much.

Yep, I had become an accidental racist.

But this isn’t the first time.

I remember me and my mate fucking about doing kung-fu noises and chopping each other while on a night out up town.  We were being very loud in our impressions and we turned this corner to see to Asian workers carrying food boxed into the back of a restaurant.

Michael_CaineThe fact they had both stopped what they were doing and watched us until we had gone meant that they had to have heard us.  I felt a little embarrassed but just as we rounded the corner my mate made another kung-fu ‘WAAAAAAAA!’ noise right at them.  He, however, is a bit of a bigot.

I don’t think it’s racist to do a Bruce Lee impression, just as in the same way I saw a Chinese dude doing an impression of Michael Caine, I don’t think I would be that bothered, I’d probably just laugh.  That’s got me to thinking now; there has to be a video of that on the internet somewhere.  If anyone finds it, tag me in it for fuck sake.

I mean, no one gets pissed off with the Chinese Elvis… do they?

Sometimes I do this thing right; if you are ever pissed off and need to unwind try doing a Bruce Lee impression and all that stress just disappears.  Just find yourself a quiet spot and let it go, you’ll feel a million times better for it, trust me.

The other day I gave that advice to someone at work because she just keeps stressing out over nothing.  I had to explain that no job is really getting wound up about unless you’re some kind of brain surgeon.  If you work in some shitty warehouse then what’s the point of making yourself ill over someone else’s business.

But fuck work, it’s almost like it has taken over my life, like I’m always in that fucking place and it’s starting to piss me off.  I’ve seen what stress can do to people and I really don’t want it in my life.

Shit, another post that goes on about where I work; do you see what I mean, it’s taking over?

So…

…why has Joe Swash got a career?

I’m sick of seeing that gap toothed, ginger twat pop up on anything that might be remotely interesting.  He fucks up any program he is on with his over the top cockney banter.

Now I’m not one that believes in ghosts and what not but I do like to watch shows about stuff like that because one day they might, just might get some kind of evidence.  To be honest some of these shows are quite entertaining.

But just by adding a little bit of Joe Swash magic can spoil any paranormal broth.

Just the way he talks pisses me off.  He couldn’t deliver one whole line without fucking it up by mispronouncing words; the man is laughable but yet he still gets work.

It must be because he’s cheap.

Speaking of cheap I’ve just seen a trailer on the telly for a film starring Danny Dyer, Neil Morrissey and Denise van Outen called ‘Run for your Wife’… think I’ll be giving that a fucking miss.

I don't think I would stop until he was at least out!

I don’t think I would stop until he was at least out!

Ah, Danny Dyer; not just a name but also a critique of everything he’s ever done.

Seriously, name me one film were ‘he’ has lit up the screen and made it his own… you can’t can you.  I have never heard anyone say “I can’t wait to see that new Danny Dyer movie; apparently he’s a real tour de force.”

We have all seen films that he has been in that could be considered by some people ‘good’ (can’t think of any off the top of my head) but not because he was in it.  (Dog House was quite good, but again not because he was in it.)

Here’s a fun thing, make a list of actors that you would like to see dead and why then try to nit them together to make one massive celebrity blood bath then write it down.  I am willing to bet good you could come up with better ideas than any plot of any Danny Dyer movie.

I would put my list up but it’s a little extensive.

Although putting Joaquin Phoenix in a wood chipper and deep frying Macaulay Culkin do feature in my top 10.

Also boot screwing James Corden into a coma, head butting Paris Hilton to death and burning Adam Sandler alive in a barrel.

I’d like to think that Vincent Cassel would be with me, high as a kite filming the blood orgy on his iPhone.  BOOYAA!


Shot to shit by my own internal dialogue

Just realised it has been a while since I have posted.

This is down to a fair few reasons.

1.  I have been flat out at work over the last month.  Believe me you really don’t want to have anything to do with the place where I work.

2.  One (get me) has been hitting the books rather hard and trying to hash out some kind of career in writing but progress is slow due to example 1.

3.  I have decided what I’m going to do in my second year at the LSJ… sort of.

4.  I really haven’t been that angry about anything of late.

Other than a slight altercation on a night out that sent me home in a foul mood and a few moments at work where I have wanted to kill, I honestly haven’t lost my rag in ages.

rexfeatures_2475733yThere were a few moments when I switched on the telly and saw Sharon Osborne being overbearingly facile or that Rylan Clark twat and his new teeth mincing around talking about fellow over the top homosexual non-entity Louis Spence when my fuse lit.  Sharon fired Bill Ward from Black Sabbath a band I’m pretty sure she didn’t form and the other two are just famous for being gay.  But I use the word famous very, very loosely; channel 5 famous.

And before you get all ‘you’re a homophobe’ on me, these two are gay guys that even the gay guys are embarrassed about.

Other than that there hasn’t been much on my mind.  Maybe I’m mellowing in my old age; chilling out a little, becoming more reserved… oh no, wait!

Modern music would be a start; some of the trash I have heard over the last year or so that has hit the charts have been abysmal.

Then there’s reality TV taking over pretty much everything in popular culture.  Take a look at the History channel; I’m pretty sure that ‘Ice Road Truckers’ or ‘Storage Wars’ hasn’t got that much in common with ancient Mesopotamia.

As much as I would enjoy watching a fat truck driver freezing to death in his cab in the middle of a blizzard I don’t think the programmers at that channel have got their thinking caps on.

Let’s face it we shouldn’t think that today’s youth would be interested in what happened during the cold war.  They have so much war shoved down their throats in one form of media or another that they are pretty much desensitised to it.

When you can go to a shop and buy an overly realistic war simulation game for £50 where you can go online with the soul purpose to kill as many people as you can why would they want to watch a two hour documentary on the Killing fields of Cambodia.

And why don’t I have a moan at the state of mainstream horror.  The Conjuring, Insidious, Sinister and the like; when did horror become so predictable?

It’s like they have been spat out from the tail of the great Japanese horror comet and fallen to earth covering all that saw the rip off meteor shower in shit.

All of these films are just manufactured to get stupid people to toss their popcorn around and scream themselves into a demented dither and spend money on watered down Pepsi.  They’re just a series of jump-scares that are so obvious and interchangeable you can make a montage from most of them and you wouldn’t even know you were watching three or four different films.  And as for plot, well most of the time you can see the holes from space.

And speaking of video games; why is it now really cool to sit around doing nothing.  And don’t give me that shit about ‘but you can unlock this and that’ because all you are doing is sitting there wasting money and hours of your life.

What will you be able to say you really did with your life?  I sat in a dark room and pretty much just stared at a screen and moved my thumbs.

Some would say that they slayed dragons, destroyed castles, brought down tyrannous governments and created worlds in far off galaxies, but really all they did was sit there.

To be fair all I do is sit here and type but at least I’m creating something that’s (I’d like to think) original.  How many other people have completed the same games as you, thousands, hundreds of thousands?

I really couldn’t have one of them things in my house anymore; I’d get hooked to some stupid game and waste whole days just shooting zombies.  I’d rather be creating the story lines about shooting zombies.

Here’s my Colombo moment… just one more thing.

Why is it the case that most people see people that have to were glasses as intellectuals?  I have met some pretty thick fucks that have had poor eyesight.  In fact one of the stupidest people I have ever met wears glasses so I just don’t get it.

geekslagAnd why is there a trend of girls trying to look all geeky by wearing thick rimmed glasses and super hero t-shirts?  Being a nerd has never been cool; only other geeks find geek stuff cool.  I’m a bit of a geek, I find geek stuff cool but I don’t find wannabe models posing with light sabres in any way glamorous.  Really it’s a bit try hard.

I have a theory, they do it because nerds/geeks will pretty much masturbate to anything with tits and therefore will check out your cosplay page on Facebook.  The girls are attention junkies but can’t get work as real models so they create some weird symbiotic relationship with each other.

One wouldn’t exist without the other.  Geeks love tits and tarts love attention and thanks to the new media it is creating an army of nerds with long running TV shows and comic book movie adaptations.  Shame most of the people that go watch Ironman 3 won’t ever read William S. Burroughs.  He wore glasses.

Maybe reading fucks with your eyesight… like wanking.


Some people just need a punch!

Look at you; sitting there in your pants reading this trash.

Staring at the screen with drool running down your chin as you shovel in spoon after spoon of chocolate coated cereal into your gaping maws; you sicken me.

I’m even going to go out on a limb to say you have probably touched yourselves inappropriately a good few times already today.  Probably in the bath, laying there stewing in your own filth.  You disgusting pack of bastards you.

No really I kid; I really do appreciate the attention and the support.

But you have had a wank haven’t you.

I’d like to think that I’m a pretty easy going chap but a few weeks ago someone tested my patience so much that I physically wanted to kill her and had to fight back the urge to punch her lights out.

1Within moments of her arriving at the pub she punched my freshly cut hand tattoo that I had done the night before without saying a word.  She then proceeded to breath all over me for most of the night talking complete shit that I didn’t give a fuck about because she was really high.  Then spent the rest of the night telling me how much of a cunt I was and interrupting other conversations I was having with other people to tell them how much of a cunt I was.

She kept telling me that ‘I’ve known you for fifteen years.’  Yes this is true but I can count the amount of conversations we have had on both hands and I have always thought you were a bit of a rude twat.  The first time you met my girlfriend you offended her so much she wanted to kill you… fuck off!

It got to the point that my other friends had either left and gone home or had complained to the house about her and had her ejected.

But this was only the start of the fun, oh yes.

She took a dart from the dart board to stab someone, probably me after I told her to fuck off.  She sent in her rather racist idiot of a mate to have a go at me for getting her kicked out even though I didn’t ask for her to be ejected, everyone else did.  Her Hungarian accent I found at the time laughable and highly annoying at the same time.

The thing is I know loads of people that know these individuals and most think they are all right but to be honest I can’t stand the sight of them.  I’m sure they are very nice but they just talk to me like I’m some sort of piece of shit and they like to annoy me.

I think deep down they both want to fuck me but can’t because I have a bird and also I find them both repulsive in all aspects of their form and being.

Next time I see them walk into the pub I will just leave to save myself from the rigmarole of another shit night.  Or I could just knock them out.

Maybe it’s time to find another watering hole.  Better yet I would gladly stop drinking for the rest of my life if I knew that I wouldn’t bump into those to clown cunts.

God my tolerance for annoyingly stupid people has dropped so much over the last few months

This is mainly down to where I work.

Recently we have had an influx of agency workers through our doors and if you have ever worked with these kinds of staff you will know what I am talking about.

These are the people that can’t hold down regular work because 9 times out of 10 they are retarded beyond belief.  As I say that doesn’t go for all of them, some of them can actually read… sort of.

I will give you a few examples.  (The people here will remain nameless, maybe.)

We had one guy that worked there for about three weeks before he took me to one side and told me that he couldn’t read and had winged it.

There are currently two, maybe three dudes in there that are incapable of just being able to think for more than five seconds.

stupid-people-funnyWe had a bloke that was a heavy drinker and was half blind that fell off his bike in the storm the other night and dislocated his shoulder.  He didn’t realise he had injured himself until about three hours after once the booze had worn off.

Once a driver turned up to take out one of our vehicles but had never driven one before and didn’t even know how to put it in gear.  How he ever got his licence still baffles me.

And the amount of people that we have had through the door that can’t speak English is quite worrying.  It’s a bit of a requirement.  Not being mean or anything but when asked “how did you get down here, the train?”   The answer shouldn’t be “yes!”

There is a bloke with actual tits that sweats piss.

We had a bloke that got sacked that has gone around telling everyone that he walked out after a massive row with the supervisor.  This didn’t happen; he was as quiet as a lamb.  He was given his marching orders for being what I like to phrase as ‘worryingly shit at everything!’

One of the staff tried to tell me he was on an extortionate hourly rate and even tried to argue the fact with me.  This is also a man that lied about having a daughter and about various drug/gang connections.  Bell-end!

And this is only over the last couple of months.  Seriously the list of complete mongs we have had through the door is almost endless.

How these people manage to get through life baffles me.


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