The smell of fire on the crisp air

It was only a matter of time before they caught up with me.  I was taken away in hand cuffs with a backdrop of flame and black smoke.  Blue and red lights strobe off the whitewashed walls of the industrial buildings and a smile crossed my lips as the police car pulled away.

As some of you may know, I am very much a winter person.   I enjoy the summer too and have had a wicked time over the last couple of months in the sun but I am definitely ready for the dark and cold now.

It was when we were talking about ready meals at work and I remembered last year when we had that really long winter and I was taking in hotpots and stew ever night to heat up in the microwave.  I really miss chicken casserole and dumplings on a cold night.

I miss fingerless gloves and cups of warm Bovril out on the terraces; the smell of bonfires over on the allotments and the sting of cold air in my nostrils.

Just the idea of wrapping up warm in my winter coat makes me come over all peculiar.  I keep looking over at my thick tweed jacket, porkpie hat and scarf and thinking ‘aint worn them in a while’.

My preparations for the next cold snap have forced me (yeah right) into buying a new hip flash.  It’s a bigger one than the others that I have at a whopping 6oz; fill the bastard up with a little Fireball cinnamon infused whiskey and we are ready for anything.

It’s also a time when I get to trawl through tonnes of knitwear because I love a jumper.  I have seen a good few Norwegian fisherman style items that I wouldn’t mind getting hold of, bit pricey but you can’t beat the warming feel a good woollen.

Snowball fights, roasting chestnuts, toffee apples and the crunch of frosted grass in the park are all things that I just love about the winter months.

And the dark, I just love the long dark nights by a crackling fire with a good bottle of whatever and some clove cigarettes.  Curl up into an armchair with a good book, maybe some Sherlock Holmes just to set the mood.  I always feel those stories are quite cold and winter like in atmosphere, must be the Victorian thing.

And I really cannot wait to be at the football chowing down on a hotdog with a cuppa from the burger wagon.  Everyone up in the terrace huddled together shouting at the linesman because he’s a wanker.  I love giving the linesmen stick, poor bastards… but they are wankers and most of them need their eyes tested.

And some of the winter markets that I went to last year were just next level.  There was an awesome wild boar stand up at Borough market last year that did the best pulled pork roll I have ever had.  The thing was crammed with stuffing and apple sauce too and the mulled cider they had was divine.  And as for the sausage man at our local farmers market, bugger me; that dude knows how to make some sublime sausages.  My favourites include the kangaroo sausage and the red snapper; a spicy little number made with loads of habanero peppers in… a real hot bastard and no mistake.

Then there is the man that does all the regional cheeses, oh my.  He had a great Lancashire blue on there one time that was amazing and he often has a Dorset brie that is just awesome.

You just don’t get that with the summer.

Summer food is all light and nothing more than salads with the exception of the good old BBQ of course. And summer drinks have far too much fruit in and have tonnes of ice in; Pimm’s for fuck sake, what’s that all about?  I’ve seen it with cucumber in.

I don’t want a fucking salad in my glass!

Not for me, give me something that sticks to your ribs washed down with something warm and thick as tar.  Give me a hearty meal, something that you’d find an old seadog swilling on returning from a month at sea.

Oh, and fisherman’s pie, now that is something I could get to grips with a good few times over the coming dark months, oh yes.

As you can tell I really like my food.

Winter is a time for stodgy, slow cooked stews and broths.  Vast pots need to be simmering away over the heat filling our houses with the smell of game meats and fresh herbs.  Great lumps of vegetables bobbing around in rich stocks while a jam roly-poly bakes in the oven.

Fuck it’s been so long since I’ve had a suet pudding and custard.

Here’s one for our American brethren, go check out a pudding called ‘spotted dick’.  Now there my friends is a classic British steamed pudding, amazing with custard.

I really cannot wait for that nip of whiskey from my flask as I pull my scarf tighter around my neck and watch the first flakes of the season flutter to the ground.

But Christmas can go fuck itself!

Robinson Fuck-ya’ll!

I want to live on my own personal island.

Seriously, I want to wake up every morning in total seclusion to the outside world with everything I need in one little place.

Not too far away from civilisation you know, hop on a little boat and skip over to the mainland to by fags and booze and stuff like socks and pants; essentials.  But other than that I want to sit on a beach and stare at the sea for the rest of my life drinking rum out of a coconut with the feel of warm sand between my toes.  Paradise.

Obviously I’d have to have a few luxury items installed on my fantasy island like fresh running water and a small filtration/sewage plant.

Maybe even a 5-a-side football pitch/basketball court out back and a fully fitted kitchen with air-conditioning.  The master bedroom of my island mansion will all be open plan with a Jacuzzi and one of those pools that look like they just drop off into the sea, fuck yeah.

Oh, a pool table.

I’d definitely have to have some kind of satellite television and full broadband otherwise I might just go mad.  And it would have to have an extensive book/DVD/Blu-ray library with a secret study behind one of the bookcases where I will hide out and drink Jonnie Walker blue label and write horror till I pass out days later.

Just think of Richard Branson’s island but without a ginger hippy loafing about the place boring you with tales of crashing a balloon into the Atlantic.

Sunbeds!

After all, what would paradise be without a few Mod Cons?  Fucking hell is what it would be.

Do you really think I want to live in a hut that I’ve had to make myself out of rotten palm leaves on a rocky beach next to a wild and uncontrollable ocean?  And let’s not even get into that fact that there won’t be a functioning toilet.  Do Bears shit in the woods?  Doesn’t mean I have to mate.

And all the fucking insects that can give you shit like malaria or are just poisonous.  Spiders, scorpions, poisonous frogs; if you think I’m going to be wrestling a sea snake over a fish that I tried to catch you have another think coming, this isn’t ‘Men’ magazine.

I am not fucking Ray Mears.

I would last five minutes without access to a television.  How the fuck will I keep up with the football, wait for a message in a bottle to wash up on the shore?

And there’s always a chance that I could get killed by a falling coconut while trying to read a book in the shade of a tall palm tree, nice.  Just getting chilled out after I managed to catch, kill and skin a tree monkey for cooking and I get taken out by something that made me want to move to an island in the first place.

Basically I want the full business class treatment in the sun without everyone else around me.  Call me selfish but I don’t like to share.

Just think how good it would be if there was no one else here.  Just imagine waking up and everyone was gone; a little note at the end of the bed saying ‘hello there, this is the universe, you have 1 year to do and be whatever you fucking want without any hassle’, how great would that be.

But what to do, what to do?

I’d have to have a wank in the speaker’s chair in the Houses of Parliament after burning down Buckingham Palace.  Take a shit off the top of the shard, steal a DB9 and drive it into a donkey sanctuary, find and drink a bottle of £2000 whiskey while firing a police MP5 all over town.

My wardrobe would be boss after the spree I would go on.

But then there is the problem of ‘female company’ if you get my drift.

But this would be the least of your problems after the lights go out and they will; hydroelectric plants don’t run themselves or do they?  I don’t really know.  And that would be a problem, all the little things that we take for granted like irrigation, drinking water and medical care would be out of the window after a time.  Imagine breaking your leg in a crash after a month of drinking and driving sports cars, not good.

And where would your food come from?  Most of the stuff the majority of us eat is pre-processed and packaged for our convenience and the stuff that they pump into it to keep it fresh only lasts so long.  Think about that the next time you’re buying a pack of bacon at the supermarket.

So you could plant crops and tend to the land and all that but, your leg is bust and there seems to be some kind of infection in it so manual labour is down the tubes too.

It’s not looking too good is it?

After all the partying it really would start to get a little grim; think living on a rubbish dump in India but without any people around.

And that brings us back around nicely to the stuff we take for granted; all the things that I have listed and oh so many more are things that two thirds of the world’s populace will never get to see or take advantage of.

The roulette wheel of conscious thought is a terrible thing and has a wicked sense of humour sometimes so make the most of what you have… if you have it.

I still feel sick… not thick, thank fuck part 2!

Until today I still had a little faith in humanity; I still had a little soft spot for you guys but guess what?   One of you has let the whole side down; totally destroyed any last hope I had for the rest of us.

We were at work and we were talking about films and someone mentioned ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’ and how they preferred the original three films to the US remake.

Now, and this is no bullshit, someone said “I have those films indoors but I haven’t watched them as they are all in a foreign language.”

It took everything I had now to burst right there; I mean every fibre of my being just not to lose my shit.

In my last post I mentioned that stupid people and I have had a bit of a love hate relationship over the years (mostly me doing the hating) but I have come to realise one thing… hate is not a strong enough word for what I feel for these morons.

I was so offended by the man’s stupidity if I could have burnt every inch of this world and everything in it to purge all life I would have done in that moment.  What the actual fuck!?!

Immolation!

Deep down I was hoping that there really weren’t any people out there that actually thought ‘I don’t want to see that movie because it’s subtitled’ I was actually convinced it was just an urban myth.  At least if there are people out there they weren’t saying anything because they know that they are a bit thick… or just racist.

But now I know; I now have heard it said with my own ears and I’m still in shock, really, I’m having a hard time processing this new information.

When I have kids they aren’t leaving the house until they speak at least one other language and will be reading before they get into school; and I mean reading the paper over breakfast reading.  Shit they will be doing the times crossword by the age of 12 if I have my way.

And I really am clutching at straws here when I say it must be the education system letting these divs down when I really know that that’s just not the case; the plane truth of it is some people are just born thick.

Now when you think about it that’s quite scary especially when you take into consideration that these mongs can be spat out into any shell at any time in any place.

Sure some of it is down to family or environment or just being born in the wrong area but sometimes one or two slip the net.  Now everyone out there reading this can you do me a favour; just take a moment to think (if you can)… George W Bush.

A pure case of someone with all the privilege and power that a country could afford with access to the best education and an endless supply of resources in which to fund his quest for knowledge and what will the man be remembered for?  He was one of the most stupid leaders of all time that started an illegal war on a knee jerk reaction, or so we are told.  And queue the conspiracy theorists; to be fair they are pretty thick as well.  Inject a shit tone of bent facts and lies into the mainstream media and let far left acid casualties from the 70’s write their own blogs to detract the populace away from what’s really going on; you thick fucks.  The world is run by accountants, there is no conspiracy… think!  Aliens and the aluminate, yeah right.

I kind of miss old ‘W’ being in power over in America because at least we could say ‘fuck it, he’s not our president’ then laugh our arses off at his antics and press conference fuck ups on You Tube, of which there are many.

I suppose he could be considered a poster boy for thick fat fucks everywhere by my strange rational; just like Joey Essex.

And have you noticed that a lot of really stupid people believe in such nonsense as god and the like…. And I mean really believe in it but yet they never know why.  Have you seen their faces when you tell them you’re an atheist it’s like you have just taken a shit on their cereal and then you explain that the reason you don’t believe in fairy tales is because you can think or because you have read more books than just the bible.

So let’s keep thinking people and hope that our children don’t turn out to be retards.

Peace!

Check out some of Bush’s best quotes on another fruitcake’s website, Mr David Icke!

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41606

I feel sick!

“Can my kid put its fingers through the holes in your ears?” and before I have even answered, “go on put your fingers in his ears.”  They always get upset when I start to choke their child while maintaining eye contact with the parent.

Why would make you think that a complete stranger on the bus would let your little sticky fingered darling climb over the seat and maul them?  Change the kid’s nappy and go back to gambling on your smart phone (which is smarter than you by the way) you pathetic waste of a consciousness.

I am not a climbing frame for you little cunt of a child… thanks.

And this brings me crashing into the topic for this blog and its a subject we have brushed against many times but never really tackled.

Stupid people!

Now I’d like to think that I have a high tolerance for all types of people but recently (say the last year or so) that has been whittled away somewhat by fucking idiots and it’s mostly down to my working environment.

Now I work in a warehouse that doesn’t pay very well and we get through a lot of agency staff.  99% of the people we get are okay, normal smart funny people with interesting lives and past experiences.  But…

… Every now and then we get a complete retard, and that’s not being horrible, that’s just a straight fact.  And before you get twitchy and start threatening me because I’m discriminating the mentally handicapped; I don’t mean a mental, I mean fucking stupid.  It would be preferred if they were actually mental because the people we get really don’t have an excuse for being this fucking thick.

This is so hard to do without letting on who these nobends are; I wish I could name them all as a warning to the free thinking world.

We have this one driver that is a notorious dick head.  Explaining stuff to him is like showing a dog a card trick; every time you try you can see his eyes glaze over like you’re speaking a different language.

Anyway, he turned up the other day and opened the bonnet of his van and started to tinker with it.  For a laugh I said “what have you done to it now?”  He became rather defensive and said “I haven’t done anything to it; it’s the water hose that was damaged in the accident the other month.”  An accident in which the driver in question caused by falling asleep at the wheel.

This man is so stupid it wouldn’t surprise me if someone told me that he had forgotten to breath and died.

I’m not saying that I haven’t done or said anything stupid or even acted like a stupid dick in the past, but the people that bother me the most are the people that mooch around being perpetually thick.  They types of people that are so thick that they don’t know how to use a shower and stink of shit all the time.  People so thick that they can’t help but have their mouth open constantly so that they make that ‘huuuuur, huuuuur’ noise constantly.

Where I live, and you might find this also if you live ‘the small town way’, there are fucking loads of the bastards.  Everywhere I go around my town there are stupid people just waiting to get in my way or ask me a stupid question.

You can spot them a mile off, usually short and fat, unemployed, lolloping about with a pushchair and a Primark bag full of pink leggings with juicy written on the arse.  Watch as they stand outside sports direct jamming doughnuts and cheap burgers into the mouths of their children who have names like Rihanna or Paris.

I have even heard a horrid woman scream at her child ‘Beyoncé, get out of the fucking road!’  There really is a high population of scum where I live.

The place is crawling with knuckle-draggers that have no concept of personal hygiene or personal space.  If you’re in a queue in the super market they are there, breathing down your neck and barging you out of the way with their push chair as their children go through your shopping basket looking for sweets.  These are the kind of people that can’t wait to eat and have to put empty pork pie wrappers through the checkout.

And the next few generations are going to be worse.  Maybe it’s some kind of reverse evolution and we are just reverting back to a Neanderthal like being.

But I can’t really be angry at these people, it’s not their fault that they are a little inbred or that they couldn’t be bothered to pay attention at school.  So what most of them never really learnt to read or write, things happen.

What I can’t abide is the fact that being thick is now part of popular culture and stupid people are seen by many as roll models.

The list is endless, Jordan, Joey Essex, Stacy Solomon, Jeremy Kyle and his mate Graham and of course Peter Andre to name but a few pet hates.  Try making your own list and see how angry you get while making it.

For example when asked ‘what country boarders wales?’ Joey Essex replied, and I quote “London.”

Seriously, we need to do something people, it should NEVER be socially expectable to be as thick as pig shit.  Being a bit scatty or ditsy, fine but when grow adults can’t answer a question a 10 year old could get right we have a problem.

We can start by dropping these stupid health and safety laws that protect these people from being cut down because they are thick.  When you find a sticker on a saw blade that says ‘sharp edge, do not handle’ you know we’re all in trouble and that there is someone out there that ran it down their hand because there was no warning there before.

I’m a huge believer that if you are stupid enough to put a knife in a toaster then you deserve to get electrocuted, let’s just say that.

We need to get rid of this stupid peril so that we can move on as a society and not have to worry about these backward fuckwits that we have to babysit and escort everywhere so that they don’t die… of being alive.

I could go on for days about how the powers that be should just have a massive IQ test and exterminate everyone that gets below a certain score… hang on that sounds a little ‘Neo’ doesn’t it, sorry about that… but I do have a point right?  BURN THEM!  BURN THEM ALL!!!  I kid, but I think the IQ test thing should be looked at.

John Walters summed it up in this way –

“We need to make reading sexy again.  If you go back to someone’s place and they don’t have any books… don’t fuck them!”

I’m just sick of wasting my time trying to explain stuff to people that will never really get it and I feel like that wasted time is precious and I should be compensated in some way; preferably with blood.  I just hope my kids are not born thick.

It’s not an alternative if its crap!

As I scratch at the arid earth looking in vain for the last withered potato I look up and see a deer bounding across the wasteland.  ‘If I wasn’t so fucking weak from just eating this rank veg I would be able to kill that fucker and eat it’, I thought to myself as it sprung out of sight.  I continued to look for the potato.

I have just taken a massive bite out of a vegan ‘Brussels’ style pate roll and it was fucking horrible.

I mean this thing was dry.  Seriously, I could have swallowed sand easier.

Maybe there was a problem with the brand or its one of their products that just isn’t that good but I won’t be buying anything with their logo on again.  (Brand shall remain nameless!)

Why have they packaged this as any kind of pate, why haven’t they named it something completely different like mega-dry paste that looks like poo or something?

It had ‘bits’ in it.

Don’t ask me what those ‘bits’ were because I don’t know, the only thing I can think of is those polystyrene beads you get in cheap bean bags.

‘Bits’.

looks okay – tastes like shit in a bun!

Some of the veggie/vegan alternative crap they peddle in the health food place (shop will remain nameless) is kind of okay.  They do these great veggie burger mix sachets that are awesome and the veggie roast roll is pretty darn good too.  But unfortunately there is a lot of stuff in there that just isn’t what it makes out to be.

If you bought a fake Rolex from the market for £1 you would be able to tell it was a fake from a mile off; you wouldn’t be fooling anybody.  Well most of the ‘alternative’ to meat type foods is that fucking knock off Rolex in food terms.

I bought some sausages out of there the other week to give them a go and on the packaging they looked quite nice.

It said that they would be juicy and rich with herbs and spices, the ultimate winter warmer.  I found, to my culinary peril that this was a bold statement indeed.

Straight out of the packet they looked okay just like sausages, but after the allotted time in the oven at the right temperature they resembled what I can only describe as immolated cadaver’s cocks.  Not a good look next to a couple of Birdseye potato waffles and beans.

It was like eating wet charcoal with bits of bogroll inside with just a hint of sage.  Tasty.

But this is not the worst thing I have ever bought out of there, oh no; that only makes number 3 on my list.  (That’s if I had a list… and now I do!)

Second would be the veggie friendly pepperoni.  Holy shit that stuff was fucking nasty.  It was like eating slices of spicy lino mixed with little lumps of vegetable fat for texture.

It said you could eat it straight from the pack, which I did to try it, mistake.

So I decided I was going to try and cook with it which I did.  I did a little individual vegetable lasagne with slices of the ‘pepperoni’ on top mixed in with the cheese.

After cooking it tasted like I had bits of flavourless burnt cardboard in with what would have been a great veggie lasagne if I hadn’t added that nasty crap.  If I had added cardboard it probably would have tasted better.

But number 1 on the list, the top of the tree the king of shit meat free alternatives is… drum roll please…

FAKE BACON!

What the living embodiment of fuck is that all about.

SHIT!

Now I’m not a massive fan of bacon to start with.  I find it a little too salty and it has to be cooked in just the right way.  Most places outside of the States don’t do it right so I have to do it myself and it’s not my first choice in the breakfast stakes if I’m honest.  (And so begins the hate mail about ‘not being a man if you don’t like bacon’… I don’t have a fucking beard either, I must be a freak… go fuck yourself!)

Anyhow, this stuff was the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth, EVER!

How anyone can have the nerve to print the words bacon substitute on the packaging is beyond me.  I hope they are losing sleep right now through guilt as it is so far from bacon, it’s unreal.

It doesn’t look like bacon, it doesn’t smell like bacon, it doesn’t cook like bacon and it certainly doesn’t taste like fucking bacon.

It’s like they tried to make something that might have been good but when it came to getting the flavour right they got some bloke with the heaviest head cold to do it.

–          The man with the cold looks at the bacon on the fork then takes a bite. 

–          A scientist in a white lab coat askes him “So, does it taste okay?” 

–          The man with the cold shrugs and sort of nods as he blows his nose into a napkin.

I tried for the life of me to get it crispy, it just burnt so I cooked it a little lighter and the shit just came apart in the pan as I tried to get it out where it was just made of some kind of soya pulp.  What a load of shit.

So, yeah… I have been trying to eat a little healthier of late and have found that I don’t mind Quorn mince as a substitute in my pasta dishes.  That’s about it.

But they do good wasabi nuts in there, but not as good as the ones from the Asian market on Queen street.

Why can’t they just fuck off?

Well it’s that time of year again.  Just when you were starting to enjoy the summer sun (and let’s face it the weather has been grand recently) here they come again.

Two little words that will melt the ice in your cider; take the flake from your 99 and spoil any movie that you go to that’s under an 18 certificate.

Fucking school kids are on ‘summer holidays.’

First question, what do school kids do to deserve 6/7 weeks off?  Don’t get me wrong I’m sure being 15 is a fucking nightmare especially when you’re living off of other people and you only have to work between 9 and 3 with an hour and a half worth of breaks in-between five days a week.  Imagine having all that time over the weekend to you to spend on playing X-box, wanking and loitering on walls near shops.

And these kids are fucking thick.  Shit. Some of the things I have heard these pubeless little fuckers say on the bus some days.  “So the royal baby, is he the king now?”  The girl that said that was around 15 at a guess.

“That Joey Essex is a genius!”  The kid that said that had one of those shit haircuts that look like he had a brilo-pad on his head.  What a cock.

There was a study where they took a cross section of kids from around the country from all different types of schools and gave them the same test.  Worryingly, a high percentage didn’t know where ham came from with the average answer on the test being ‘the supermarket.’

And let’s not forget that they get another 4 to 6 weeks off spread over the rest of the year.

Why can’t they have time off in the winter and let the grownups that actually do all the work to keep these freeloading little parasites have the summer to themselves.

The little rat-bags bowl around like they fucking own the place trying to ponce fags and riding their bikes through groups of old people; it wouldn’t be so bad if you could kick the shit out of them.

Really, some of these kids need a good beating.

I saw a kid giving his mate a backie on a bike nearly knock down an elderly couple and they just laughed.  Little cunts, if they had done that in the old couple’s day they would have taken a slap.

‘But you can’t discipline children in that manner any more’, shut up hippy, that’s probably why they go around stabbing people, mugging people and setting rape traps for their classmates.

My mate works at a school and he wants out, he reckons it’s getting worse year by year.

And they are, at least the ones we see in our town centres.  I suppose the good kids aren’t allowed out but that just shows you that their parents don’t want them associating with the bad element; just shows you how bad they are, the adults are intimidated by them.

Gone are the days of conkers and bulldog in the playgrounds; it’s all been banned by the last wave of soft as shite adults and people in power that have left my generation in the shit having to deal with a pack of undisciplined, mouthy, almost feral children, thanks.

These fuckers know that they can get away with whatever they like and they do because everyone is scared to do anything about it.

We the generation that had Henry Rollins and good cartoons on telly need to stand up against this menace and start cleaning up the streets or our children will have to deal with a generation of kids far worse.  You think they’re little cunts now, just you wait.

It’s only a matter of time before we see metal detectors and security guards in schools like we have seen in the bad areas of America, Australia and even Israel.  To be fair I think that Israel has that stuff for a very different reason but when you suspect kids of bringing bombs then I think your country has a problem.

For all I know there could be schools in this country that has that sort of security and the only people that you can blame is the parents.  And I put it down to the generation gap getting smaller.  Kids should not have kids.

Again it’s not the majority but unfortunately that’s all you see in the high streets across the land and I think that it’s a problem.

A mass of drooling morons that are quite happy to spend their giros in Gregg’s and get a couple of frozen pizzas from Iceland to curl up on the sofa for a night of soaps and X-factor.  Then off upstairs for a night of passion to try for another child so that they can get more cash to upgrade to the new PlayStation and bigger telly.

I made the mistake of going to the cinema during summer holidays and even though we were in the gallery the pack of 15 year old kids ruined the experience for the rest of the patrons.

All they did was make a load of noise, jumped over the seats at each other, over reacted at the scary moments and the girls wandered from seat to seat with their faces lit up by their phones.

Really; I mean what the fuck?

Someone complained and the security bloke kicked a couple of them out but it really only made things worse.  I thought the point of going to the cinema was going to enjoy a film not fuck about so at the end most of them are saying “I don’t get it!?”

And I don’t know whether it’s me just being a little desensitised to horror but those kids were properly shitting themselves to what was a basic by the numbers shocker.

When did kids become such lightweight douchbags?

Was I that bad when I was a kid?  I don’t think so… I hope not anyway.