Make mine the family bucket!

Do you know what I hate? (And don’t say everything because that’s not true; I like… erm… cheese!) I cannot fucking stand birds.

Not the type with holes you put things in that tell you that you should know better as a 35 year old man, no.  I’m talking about the feathery, winged type.

I really don’t see the point in the little sacks of shit; strutting around all smug because they can fly and aren’t scared of heights and can take a shit on your car whenever they like. Well fuck em, I want to cook and eat every last one of the cocky little wankers.

Why do people want to keep these things as pets?  You’ll be told, ‘they make great companions’ as a grey parrot take a whacking great watery dump down their curtains and then starts swearing when granny turns up.  Yeah, great fucking company I’m sure.

And what’s all this shit about parrots being really intelligent, have you ever seen them trying to get into a monkey nut?  If they were that smart they would have bought the pre-shelled nuts and saved themselves the hassle.

And I hate pigeons with a fucking passion.  My granddad used to nick the odd one from the pigeon loft down the way and kill it, cook it and eat it.  When the bloke that owned the prize winning racing bird (fattened up with corn for distance flight) would say anything about it he would reply with ‘must be a fox about.’  The sly old git, those birds did look tasty after being stuffed with chestnuts and slow roasted for a good while.

The worst of the pigeons has to be London pigeons, and not the ones you see pestering tourists in Trafalgar Square but the horrible ones you get hobbling about in Soho Square.  You must have seen the dirty fuckers.  Most of them have one withered up foot, if it’s still on at all and they look like birds that have been pulled from an oil spill due to all the emissions from cars.

They come up to you like tramps with their heads cocked a little, begging for food as if somehow you’re going to feel sorry for the un-dead looking thing and throw them a few scraps.  Instead they are just shoed of with a rolled up copy of the Metro.

And you can’t kick the fucking things as they are so emaciated and rotten that when you do they literally just disintegrate leaving its guts all over your boot and up your leg.  They pretty much just turn into a cloud of oily feathers and putrid, disease riddled blood.  Just what you want when you’re trying to enjoy a chilled bottle of Chardonnay and some brioche with a lady friend in the park I’m sure.

And I really can’t stand the people that say ‘don’t be horrible to it, give it some of your sandwich.  Get fucked, that thing comes anywhere near us and we are defiantly catching some kind of avian flu.  The thing looks like a zombie with an eye missing; if you gave the thing a crutch it would look like a Victorian leper, give it some of your fucking sandwich.

I want to stamp on it, not make friends with it!

And bird make for the worst nature programs, I don’t know anybody that would want to watch ‘the life of birds’ over say ‘blue planet’ or a good documentary on the Great Barrier Reef or the tropics of the Rain Forest. Monkeys and Sharks and that are awesome, I doubt anyone has said that about flamingos.

Those things are horrid looking, with their long necks and spindly legs; it makes me want to go mental in the glades taking their heads off with a golf club.

Birds of prey are a little better, a little more interesting, especially owls.  I’m a fan of the nocturnal hunter and I like the way that they make little to no sound when the fly, this is good; one of the down side to birds is that they make too much fucking noise.

There is a tree across the way from me that is home to a group of nesting crows and as soon as the sun starts to come up they start their screeching, and it is a fucking racket.  Not good when dawn is at 4am in the summer.  I’ll give them a ‘mass’ murder of crows… get it?!  But seriously, I want to set fire to that tree some mornings, at least then I would have a reason to be up that early.

Chickens are only good because you can eat pretty much the whole thing; you can even make stock from their bones and fry/boil/poach/bake their abortions.  Let’s face it like most animals that people think are cute, they would have died out years ago if we didn’t eat the things.

We don’t eat Pandas or Gorillas and look at them; on the verge of extinction.  We eat birds and look around, fucking billions of the bastards.

I’m not saying ‘stop eating birds’ so their numbers die out, no way, I am a massive fan of fried chicken (just check my physique.)  Sunday roast wouldn’t be the same without a bit of poulet, and let’s not forget the traditional bird at Christmas; duck being my favourite.

I’m saying we should be allowed to shot the things in our own gardens, poison the pigeons in the town centres freely.  Eradicate the problem of having to remove their faeces with an ice scrapper from our car windscreens in the morning.

Scrawny winged fuckers, I hate them…

…except penguins and the occasional owl.  Why are owls so trendy at the moment anyway?

But on a more personal note:  DON’T BUY TOSHIBA DVD PLAYERS!  I have had mine less than 3 months and it has decided that every disc I put in is not good enough for it and keeps skipping.  Even ones that I have bought brand new and are straight out of the packaging… TOSHIBA, YOU FUCKING SUCK, FUCK YOU!!!

Personal Attack of the Killer Bellends!

I often get accused of being a little harsh on certain groups of people that inhabit the same sort of space as me on the internet; and this may be a valid point.

I have been accused of being ‘out of order’ towards people that I personally know while jotting down these self-indulgent rants and that I don’t take their feelings into account.  Well boo-fucking-hoo; this isn’t tiny tots nursery time.

If you get offended, I don’t care, I’m really not making any of this shit a personal attack.  Most of it comes from stuff being rammed down my throat from the second I turn on my laptop to the time I pass out working.

It’s true that I have had a pop at alternative models, wannabies pop stars, fake as fuck z-list celebrities, fat orange slags that wear too much make up, weight lifting douche-bags with tribal tattoos that do coke, measure each other’s dicks and argue and fight with each other trivial stuff like women because they are stupid.  I have even had a stab at women that are famous for absolutely nothing but partying, filming themselves getting fucked in the dark and carrying their yapping shitbags dogs around in their handbags.

So when I get an email about a post that I put up ages ago accusing me of a personal attack and victimising this person because I am a selfish, vain and hurtful person, well it sort of gets my back up.  What did you think I was going to do, apologise for having an opinion.  It certainly wasn’t an opinion about you, you’re not that fucking important, you think you are, but trust me you are nothing.  Just like every other fucker here; your shit really does stink.

In this email the person in question remarks that I wouldn’t say any of this stuff to anyone’s face… mate, you really don’t know me that well.

Trust me, those that know me know that I really don’t give too much of a fuck about what I say and if you are offended then go away.

What makes me wonder though is the fact that I struck a nerve with this person, really got their back up.  Maybe subconsciously I was writing about them but I somehow doubt it.    Maybe they got offended and thought that I was writing about them because everything in my little rant pretty much summed up that person, their personality and well, everything about them.  We shall never know.

The person in question shall remain nameless as I have a little decorum; I am a gentleman after all.

Never mind.

I don’t think that this blog post really has any point other than to vent a little spleen, and that was the point of the thing in the first place.  I also put a little disclaimer in the ‘about’ section of this blog.  If you get offended then fuck you, maybe you needed to be offended.

Not that much offends me nowadays, people that are openly racist get my goat a little but I just brush them off as ignorant.  Again it’s their opinion, they may be wrong but if I tell them that they can’t say curtain things that makes me sort of as bad as them.  I’m all for freedom of speech but it does come with its down side, mostly bell-ends talking shit about cultures that they know nothing about.  I like to treat racists like fairies; if you ignore them (and add a little multi-cultural education) they will eventually die out.  And when I say fairies I don’t mean gay men, so don’t try and have a go with the old homophobia card.  I did once head-butt a gay bloke but he was drunk, pushy and tried to grab my junk.  I would have done that to anyone, gay or not.  And I don’t mean women before you take a swing with the sexism bat.

I’m all for treating women like equals, but I don’t think it’s reciprocal; girls really don’t like getting a dead leg like the ones I used to give my brother.  Apparently you can’t hit women or something but they sure as shit can slap the fuck out of a bloke.

You get sickened by blokes knocking around a woman but when it’s the other way around everyone’s thinking ‘this guys a pussy.’  You all do; we’ve all seen Jeremy Kyle!  Some Fraggle sitting on there, not able to make eye contact with his Mrs and flinching every time she waves his arms.  But to be fair some of those women are fucking hench, real monsters; the kind of women that can open beer bottles with their cunts.

Well that feels a little better that that’s out of my head and into yours and if you do get offended and feel that you have to contact me to tell me that I am just the worst kind of person, take a second thought.  Chances are that your narky email will just make me laugh and prove that there really are these kinds of people out there and bolster my arguments.

Double thumbs up asshole, Steve-O style!

So before you start to have a pop at some guy for having an opinion, take a second to work out why you are offended, you might not like what you find…

…And don’t forget to take care of yourselves… and each other!