What’s That Sound?

Why, it’s a bailiff knocking at your door wanting that payment on that PS4 you bought your snot nosed teenage kid who on boxing day told you he hated you because he wanted to play FIFA and not go to his elderly auntie’s place.


I was watching a little television the other day… I think it may have been last Monday which bear in mind was the 30th of December, and I noticed a rather disturbing thing.

Every other advert on the ITV channels was for the Park ‘dept free Christmas’ Company.

1Within the space of a couple of hours I must have seen that advert more than ten times, it was fucking ridiculous. It got to the point where I knew the script word for word.  Before I had even realised what was going on I had been brainwashed by a money spinning coupon company that makes money from low income families.

What’s worse about these adverts is that it still puts pressure on people to spend money over Christmas.

If you have the sort of family members that will think any less of you for not getting them the latest gadgets or perfume or toys or can’t put a big enough spread on the table on Christmas day then you my friend have a fucking shit family.

Just saying.

What the people at Park are telling us is that you can still spend a shit ton of money just for one day that (let’s not forget) is based on a series of outdated, archaic fairy tales and lies. Collectively (as a race) we can put a spaceship on a comet millions of miles away but we can’t get passed the fact that a woman having sex with a ghost and giving birth to a deity might just be in the realm of fantasy fiction.

matt-taylor-comet-landing-shirt-2And the hardcore feminists of the world can’t get passed a guy’s shirt and make him really upset in an apology video, the guy was crying after one of the greatest scientific achievements the human race has witnessed. HE PUT A SPACECRAFT ON A COMET AND YOU CANT BE FUCKED TO SHAVE YOUR FUCKING ARMPITS YOU PACK OF JUMPED UP FUCKING DYKE HYENAS, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FEELINGS… CUNTS! 

Someone had to fucking say that.

And how do we celebrate this ‘miracle’?

By making already stupidly rich people a shit load richer than they already are.

What the fuck has owning a PlayStation got to do with the birth of ‘the son of god’? Nothing, yet the months leading up to the big day the ad-men at Sony will tell you it’s a must have and that you can’t live without it.

And here’s another thing, how much money have they made over at Park to be able to show two adverts per break between primetime shows for five or six hours every night… on five fucking channels?

Here’s the trick… when you shop with vouchers there is a ‘no change given’ policy, you spend £17.96 on a few bits and bobs and the woman at the till says “sorry love, we can’t give change on that voucher” to which you say, oh never mind, it’s only two quid.”

That money goes back to Park and you never see it again along with the ten pence to the pound they are already making off of you in the first place. So on average for every twenty pound voucher they make between £2 (minimum) and £4(ish) depending on your personal level of generosity (drunkenness while shopping).

It could be more, you’ve had a few beers with your burrito in the Bluewater food court and you say “Fuck it, keep the £4.49!”

The person at the till doesn’t get that money, dickhead, they don’t pocket the change like some bar keep with huge tits, flowing locks and teeth so bright you could start a fire with them; no… it all goes back to the accounts department at Park.

4546952340_jesus_dinosaur_xlargeAnd another thing that I witnessed recently… the Cadbury’s Cream Egg advert… on January 4th.

This is an advert put on solely to promote chocolate to greedy people for yet another religious money spinning event that is Easter.

This time instead of parting with your cash because something wondrous has happened like the birth of the saviour (complete bollocks, by the way just in case you thought I was some sort of believer), this time we are told to gorge ourselves on candy because some magician/medic bloke was beaten, tortured and humiliated until ultimately he died nailed to a big cross on a hill.

Oh yeah, then he came back to life three days later to forgive everyone (see what I mean about utter bollocks). I’m not sure if this is the first documented (like it’s a fucking text book, fuck you Chuck Norris) case of zombification… I think the Egyptians may have got in there first, or possibly the Mayans… or the Chinese?  But anyway, if it is it’s not a very good one, kind of like the last couple of George A. Romero films, the early stuff was classic with but the later stuff… not so much.

But enough bashing the church, it’s kind of like kicking a puppy with no back legs and they’ve stuck one of those trolley things on it… way, way too easy… and slightly funny.

In theory the advertisers are the ultimate atheists; they have basically thrown the idea of religion to the wind and got bewildered people to part with their cash in record breaking amounts year after year. Basically I can’t be angry at them for that, but I can get mad at the fact they are taking advantage of the masses by using their (stolen, because let’s face it Christianity has stolen everything that used to be considered pagan) religious holidays for financial gain.  And worse they use media brainwashing to put pressure on simple folk to spend more money every year.

There’s an old saying in warfare, ‘if you want to hurt a people go for their children’, and that’s exactly what they do, everything is aimed at the children.

And not just on the holidays, if you want people to spend money make the children have a go at their folks to buy stuff for them.

There was a report that a certain loan company was forced to stop advertising because it was using puppets with quirky jingles to sell their services. The fault of the loan company was said to be that it was using child orientated advertising to pressure adults into loans that they couldn’t afford by coercing people’s kids into asking their parents for payday loans to purchase things for them.

A court found the company guilty.

That’s just fucking low.  

hqdefaultI’m not going to justify having a go at people that enjoy Christmas and party with their families and put on a massive dinner because some guy was allegedly born two thousand years ago and is meant to be the physical embodiment of an alleged god. I can’t, fair play to you, if it brings you joy and you and yours get great enjoyment from it and you have love in your heart for all men even if it is only for a few days a year then more the power to you.

What I can’t get behind is that if your family are the sort to pressure you into putting yourself into massive dept just to get them a bunch of old tosh and stuff their bellies in front of the telly then they are horrible to you when they don’t get what you want, I’m saying you’ve brought your family up wrong and it’s time to get a divorce and move to an island.

Or you could just drown them all in the tub on boxing day.

Happy New Year.

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