Well it certainly has been a while so I thought it might be nice to have a bit of a recap of the year; and not just a general whinge at my life but life for all of us… from my perspective… basically what I think of you lot and what we have all done over the last twelve months.
Us… the human race and all that.
But to be honest can we really recall some of the things that happened at the start of the year? I can’t.
There was a shit load of rain and I laughed because Somerset was underwater for most of January. The Prince of Wales turned up in wellies and mumbled something about crops and people’s houses and I tuned out.
Then we had a mild spring and summer and it didn’t rain at all which was quite nice.
We had a lot of action in the Middle East which caused some mad backlash of over the top nationalism in the western world turning a lot of folks on to racism. Hey, it gives something for stupid people to be into now that Big Brother has vanished into the obscurity of Channel 5.
It’s still on telly just no one cares.
This nationalism was bolstered with the centenary of the end of the First World War with people burning poppies and copies of the Quran in the street looking really angry and talking shit.
UKIP became really popular and Russell Brand found a new career by calling a reporter a snide on live television and gained new found respect from the people that though he was funny in the first place by sitting quietly on a ‘staged’ edition of the BBC’s Question Time.
A fat kid in North Korea got pissed off that two stoners made a pretty rubbish film about him then called the president of the United States a monkey. The fat kid then had a movie company hacked and the US retaliated by shutting down North Korea’s internet for a day subsequently starting World War Three that is being waged as we speak online. Sorry goths, no nuclear fallout here, no dark future or zombie apocalypse just a massive game of online Risk played by governmental geeks.
My advice to Mr Obama, start in Australasia and spread out from there.
And speaking of computer games, some twat ruined Christmas by hacking a few game console networks so people couldn’t play their games for a few hours. It was almost like he had shot Santa the way the media were banging on about it.
Daniella Westbrook spunked all her money again and sat on This Morning crying her eyes out telling us that her family were in sheltered housing over Christmas and that we were all to feel sorry for her. Sorry love, you did it to yourself… again… we don’t owe you a living. Why don’t you get a job like normal people to support your family or is that beneath you because you were on Eastenders and fucked Brian Harvey?
For those that don’t know who Brian Harvey was, he was the pint-sized, faux hard-man crooner in East 17 that run himself over with his own Mercedes. He was also famous for saying that the drug ecstasy is awesome on live children’s television.
Katie Hopkins survived another year without Holly Willoughby kicking the shit out of her on live television. How that Hopkins woman hasn’t been on the receiving end of an acid attack is beyond me?
And it just wouldn’t be the festive season without a plane going missing in the pacific… It’s almost a tradition now. I’ve said it before but HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOSE A FUCKING PASSENGER PLANE!? The dude on the radar at air traffic control nipped out the back for a quick ciggy and when he came back the fucker was just gone?
More international news and you might want to hold onto your hats for this one because it’s a real shocker… white American police don’t like black American people. No shit? And apparently now that can just get away with killing them for no reason at all.
So you can smoke weed legally in parts of the States but just not be black, unarmed and minding your own business. Good effort America, really progressive.
But let’s leave all this shit behind us in the dead year of 2014, it’s over, done, throw the dust sheets over it and store it away in the vault of another boring year.
For me personally it’s be very much the roller coaster with personal down turns and professional highlights crashing together in a big ball of “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?” It really beat the shit out of me and left me in a state of emotional catatonia and at points got so on top of me I really didn’t see a way out the other side.
But hard work and a dogged determination saw me through… and that I found my ‘don’t give a fuck’ switch at just the right time. So now I’m a published author and I make jams and pickles and have started my own home business of making soap and male grooming products for like beards and moustaches and dudes like me that shave.
I don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing and I’ll be happy with that for the rest of my life. I really couldn’t care what anyone thinks of me anymore, I guess I never really did but some events recently made me realise that I’m better off being just me.
Stuck up bitches think they’re too good for me, great, good for them. (A bit too personal perhaps?)
And here’s a little advice for all ya’ll to take with you into 2015…
If you really want to achieve your goals you will have to live a few years like most people won’t so you can live the rest of your life the way most people can’t. Think positive, don’t judge, work hard, be yourself and the rest will fall into place.
Have a happy new year and I’ll see you all on the other side… PEACE OR PIECES!
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