Monthly Archives: April 2013

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

It’s only now that I realise that I have three watches.
I have never worn/owned a watch in my life really but somehow I have accrued three of the things. One was a gift from my mother; another was a gift from a lady friend and the other I found in a cab.
How very strange.
I have taken to wearing one of them recently as I found an article online stating that if you have morbid thoughts about your own morality and it keeps you up at night; if you can hear a watch tick it can take you mind off of dying and help you sleep.
And do you know what? It only bloody works.
I have hardly had a sleepless night of late since I started wearing it and I keep it quite close when I settle down at night (early morning.)
I then noticed the stuff that I keep close by when I go to sleep and realised that I might be becoming a little more mature than I first thought.
o-WATCH-570On top of my laptop when I wake in the morning you’ll find my wallet (leather and monogramed of course,) my Pulsar 100M wristwatch, a bespoke Parker ballpoint and Moleskine notepad (like a coppers notebook,) my smartphone, my keys, my glasses, my sunglasses (both pairs of which are wayfarers,) my lighter with at least a 10 box of tailor made menthols and my Kindle.
And I know what you’re thinking, all I need now is some espadrilles, a pink polo neck and cricket jumper combo with a key to the marina and I’ll be a fucking yuppie.
Where has all this bespoke fancy stuff come from? How have I managed to keep hold of all this stuff considering that I can’t even look after myself?
Then I got to thinking about it, I can’t remember a time when I haven’t had less than £20 in my wallet or gone without a packet of cigarettes in the last 10 years. What changed?
I remember having to scratch around for enough change to get a pint after collage or even when I was working on around the same money 10 years back I remember being constantly skint.
Then I worked it out… it an age thing.
When you are a kid you don’t really give a fuck and go out and spunk your money as soon as it’s in your hand. Now that I’m a little older I don’t feel the need to go out and piss my money down the drain on booze and drugs quite as much as I did back then. ]
It was always about going out back then. I didn’t go a single night of the week without going to the pub for at least one pint and a game of pool. Fuck I just remembered making two pints last a whole night, fuck that shit, I can’t go out on a Friday/Saturday night now without at least £100 in my pocket.
I made a promise to myself many years ago when I was going through some hard times that I would never go without again. That I would always have food in the cupboards, money in my wallet and enough smoke to see me through the day. Maybe that’s where the change in me happened.
I also can’t really remember my last long stint of unemployment baring a couple of weeks here and there. I also can’t remember the last time that I signed on, that’s a good thing I guess.
I couldn’t sign on now, unless I really had to but I’d like to think that I’m not as lazy as to sit on my arse if I became unemployed with my hand out expecting free stuff. I have developed this strange work ethic that when I was in my teenage years seemed very alien to me. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and hang out with my friends. I would have hated me back then, what a lazy little cunt I was.
For some reason I have the Dust Brothers ‘Ikea Man’ tune from fight club in my head now.

This guy I know got into an argument in the coffee shop the other day with a couple of Swedish girls about people that come to the UK to sponge off of the state. He had taken the typical British stand of ‘why have they come over here to beg and then complain that they don’t get enough free stuff, if they don’t like it they can fuck off’. You know the argument, the archetypal Daily Mail viewpoint of middle England.
5628195320100517The two girls pointed out that most people that come to this country come to work and are working and the statistics of unemployed British people far out numbers the entire migrant population over the last ten years. They had taken the whole ‘we actually read about this stuff and have an open opinion when it comes to pretty much everything’ approach, the sneaky cows. But I have found that view point quite common in recent times, especially among those people that can think.
The dude with the Daily Mail attitude told them to fuck off back to France and left the coffee shop halfway through his latte and blueberry muffin.
He was not missed by the collective.
I have kind of lost the point of this post… oh yeah, if anyone out there moans that there isn’t enough work out there because loads of immigrants have taken all the work then they moan that they are all on the dole, try not to talk to these people too much… they will only make you and those around you stupider for the experience. And feel free to point out that they are just lazy arseholes that can’t get any work… that Polish bloke down the road managed to find a job okay.
Now I’m off to buy me a new watch…

I think I may have left my brain in that fucking taxi!

After the response that I got from my last post it got me to thinking about other famous people that I would like to kidnap and or murder and why.

The list was extensive.

But it did make me wonder why I had so much hatred in me for so many of the world’s most beloved stars.

kerry-kebabLet’s look at (if you can) miss Kerry Katona.  This is a woman that had the world at her feet and threw it all away because she is a fucking fat junkie idiot.  She went from mother of the year to the face of Cash Lady (a web site where you can borrow up to £300).   She can’t because she was declared bankrupt in 2008 and had her house repossessed in 2009.

This is a woman that got so fucked before she went on a live TV show she didn’t realise that she had just flown from Spain to the UK and thought she was still out there.  She really had no idea where she was, it was well funny, one of my personal favourite celebrity burnouts; ranks up there with Amy Winehouse and Nick Nolte in my book.

I also like the fact that there are several photo galleries online pretty much dedicated to her eating kebabs in various states of inebriation, the fat fucking thing she is!

But I wouldn’t waste my time killing that thick bitch.

It’s the same reason that I wouldn’t kill the constant nothing that is Katy (Jordan) Price, I wouldn’t want to go to prison for killing something that is hated by the public.  Everyone hates them and as I hate pretty much every living person anyway keeping these attention seeking media whores (and I do mean whore in the literal sense) alive to piss you all off makes me happy.  And let’s face it most people would probably cheer if you said either of those two had been killed; I certainly would raise a glass.

No, if you’re going to kidnap and kill a celebrity, make it one you can have a little fun with.  At least make it one you fancy for fuck sake!  I wouldn’t want to be looking down at Jordan as I was tossing myself off over her limbless torso.

im2-1Go for the likes of Megan Fox, Jessica Biel, Malin Ackerman, Hillary Duff or Scarlet Johansson (my personal top 5!)  Oh sweet Scarlet; now there is a girl that looks down to fuck and this is only a guess, will fuck you up in the process.  One of those girls that actually looks like she has a tried and tested hand/blow-job technique.

I have said before in another blog post about what I would do if I had the opportunity to get my grubby hands on Miley Cyrus.  Let’s just say it would get a little ‘Big Lebowski’ up in here.

Imagine waking up and one of these hot Hollywood scrubbers had kidnapped you for a few days of sexual torture.  One minute your sitting in Pinkberry eating coconut frogurt with peanut butter crunch the next thing you know Miss Megan Fox is nailing one of your balls to a wooden stool with a hessian bag on your head.  As long as she sucked me off I don’t think I would be that bothered.  Let’s face it most of us guys would gladly let her take a shit on us.

Picture this; the last thing you see just before you croak is the vision of Scarlet Johansson riding you to death as you choke on the chloroform fumes in the clear plastic bag on your head as she pulls tighter on the leather belt around your neck.  Or Jessica Biel rubbing herself off in front of you using your blood as lube while wearing a scarf made from your intestines that are still hanging out of a massive gash in your belly.

Anybody turned on yet?


Here’s a good practical joke that you might want to try on a mate but it takes a little setting up.  Tell a close friend that you are into death-wanking; you know the good old asphyixywank.  Tell them that you have come dangerously close the last few times and you need a ‘buddy’ to check on them every now and then.

Explain that you will send them a coded text message when you are about to partake in your hobby and for them to text back about half an hour later.

thCA891ROAIf there is no return text they are to come around to your place and kick the door in, cut you down from where ever you’re hanging from and remove any evidence of transvestism/drugs/bum fun, etc.  Basically make it look just like a regular suicide.  Tell them something like ‘my mother won’t be able to take all the scandal.’

Return their texts a few times making out that all went well. It also gives you and your other friends a cheap laugh at social gatherings that your mate hasn’t turned up to.

Give it a go, it’s fucking hilarious and you will also find out if they really are a good friend or not.

How many of you are now tempted to do that and have a mate that will probably fall for it.  It’s also a really good way to set up a mate for a surprise party so if you have one coming up its worth laying down the ground work now.  Wait till you both have one of those drunken deep and meaningful ones at 3am outside a kebab shop or something.

Sickeningly clever right?  Yeah, I get that a lot.

But now if you’ll excuse me all this talk of kebabs has made me hungry and the doner spit is a calling…

…that and I have to send a quick text to my mate Dave.

Have yourself a good weekend all… Laters!


All quiet on the eaten front!

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been about for a bit on the old interweb device for a while now and there is a good reason for that… boredom.

The fact is you bore me internet.  You were great for so long but now you have been reduced to a pile of steaming ‘tag someone’ crap, ill-educated political agenda and cat worship on a scale to rival ancient Egypt.  What the fuck happened internet, did you leave your balls in a cab or something?

So I have stayed away, that and I have been working some pretty shite hours of late that have pretty much killed me socially and mentally.

So what have we missed…?

Well, the world’s biggest container ship was launched, evidence that there could have (might be) life on Mars, positive identification of Higgs Bosom (still not clear on what type they have found though), the election of a new pope, North Korea declaring war on everyone and the death of Margret Thatcher.  And before you all have a go; I’m not the biggest fan of Maggie’s but I’m not going to jump on the band wagon and slag off the old witch before she’s even cold… milk stealing hag that she was.

Nah, that political stuff is way behind me; I just get on with it now.

So with all this stuff in mind and all that has happened in the world over the last few months of me being away from the ins and outs of the digital world what shall we have a think about?

Sleep porn.

sexomnia-sleep-sexYep, this has just fallen into my lap and from what I can see it is mostly harmless, if not a little spooky as some of the girls look dead.  But there are a few web sites that I won’t post the links to that have some real sinister shit on them.#

Most of it is dudes wanking over girls while they pretend to be asleep and occasionally stir or moan.  There are some dental fantasies on some sites to, a little weird and sometimes a little creepy as you do hear about dentists taking advantage of their position and copping a feel.

I heard once that in the states a few women became pregnant from a randy dentist and he only got caught when he impregnated a single girl and she called the police.  I heard he tried to kill himself before the police got to him but I don’t know how true this is.

But the dentist thing is again quite innocent I guess, on a fantasy level I can think of a hell of a lot worse.

Then we come to the shit that even I was a little spooked over.  Girls being chloroformed then fucked with by a bunch of guys.  Now this I find a little fucked.

So I get that the girl was obviously consenting even though some of the content on the site was set as ‘rape’ (with a set design, HD cameras and full lighting rig, yeah okay) which I get isn’t most people’s cup of chai for obvious reasons.

But what I found a little weird with some of the photos was that when the girl is knocked out there are only like two guys in the pics, then when unconscious a stream of dudes start ploughing away but are gone when she wakes up.

Does she know how many blokes just smashed her arse in?  Was she only booked for two dudes then they took the piss when she was out cold?  The jury is out my friends but seriously, check that shit out.  (If you already know this shit exists just so you know I think you are fucked in the head and why didn’t you give me the heads up on these sites sooner.  Shame on you!)

a_560x375But it was through these sites that I came across the story of “Cannibal Cop” Gilberto Valle.  This guy was in the NYPD when he plotted to kidnap, kill and eat up to 100 women with pictured files of each of his intended victims.

He used department files and resources to conduct surveillance on the women and even had co-conspirators that he would e-mail with ideas and plans.

When they cracked his hard drive there was a shit tone of strange BDSM images and links for websites including some of the ‘sleep’ sites.

He was shopped by his wife and now faces a life sentence.  FUCKED UP!

Some of the shit about the case is nuts, but here’s a little snippet from the good old Metro…

It’s almost as funny as those two dudes that planned to kidnap and decapitate Joss Stone.  To be fair if I was the judge in that case I would have let the pair off with a ‘better luck next time lads’ closing statement.  Let’s face it, she really hasn’t made that much of an impact in most of our lives and I reckon it would just be her family that miss her.

I kid. I kid… but I wouldn’t mind skull fucking her, and before you ask I probably would put the footage on one of the sleepy sites.

For those of you that have literally been living in a cave for a year here’s what the Sun made of it…

3573243So yeah, that’s what I have been thinking about over the past few weeks.  The world is on the threat of nuclear war I have been fantasising about decapitating Joss Stone while she sleeps then wanking over her corpse.  Night, night all.

Just to make it clear I have no plans to do anything to Joss Stone but I have had to add this to the post because she seems the type of person that might sue.  Miss Stone, this is all in jest and I wish you well.

P.S.  Any chance of a titty pic?  G.x

People are strange…

… But in a comforting, warm fuzzy way.

Okay, so I’m in the bath the other day having a bit of a soak when I notice the tip of my penis had broken the surface of the water.  Not the whole of it, just the tip of my foreskin, the aardvarks nose as it were.

Some of the bubble bath suds had accumulated around it and I was astonished to see that it resembled a small volcanic island.  It made me chuckle.

But for some reason I wasn’t content just to watch my ‘island paradise’ and I let out a tiny amount of piss to simulate an eruption.  This pleased me greatly so I let out a little more.

What I wasn’t aware of was that my good lady friend was standing in the door way watching the whole debauched incident.  She didn’t see the pacific volcano erupting and killing a tone of native islanders… oh no; she saw some bloke pissing on himself in her bath and laughing.

We all do weird stuff away from the prying eyes of others.  I tend to talk to myself when I’m alone.  I think we all do.  I don’t see it as madness I just find it soothing to chat away; it sort of eases the boredom of being alone.  It also stops me from being lonely I guess.

If you ask most people they will probably admit to talking to themselves when they are home alone.  We have all sung a little song to ourselves when making breakfast or making a cup of tea.  We have all sung the ‘I’m cooking an omelette’ song, what a funky number that is; ‘YOU’VE GOT TO BREAK SOME EGGS TO COOK UP THE OMELETTE!’

I try and wear a fez whenever I’m cooking, aint nothing.

But let’s have a moment of serious contemplation now shall we.  We have all done something to ourselves be it innocent, strange, sexual whatever that some (most) people would think is a little weird.  Have a think; you know what you’ve done.  That dirty little thing using that thing up your thing while you did that thing to yourself while you watched that thing on the thing.  You dirty little git.

And I bet you fucking loved it didn’t you.

funny-6We all have them, those dirty little secrets that only we know about.  You have little things with your partners especially sexually that you don’t tell others about.  Let’s face it, how many of us are truly open with others when it comes to sex.   We all have our anecdotes and experiences but there is some stuff that only you and one (maybe more) other person knows about; those little in jokes that no one else gets.  Giggle!

But saying that there are some things that you don’t even share with your partners and the same will go for them.

Now take a look at your bird/bloke and just think of the things he/she has done to them when you’ve been at work.  That time they stayed in because they went feeling too good, but ‘you go out, I’ll be okay, that film is on the BBC and I might get a pizza.’  Just don’t ask what they did with the extra pot of special garlic sauce and the mozzarella stick.

Makes you feel paranoid now doesn’t it because you know what you have done to yourself, that thing with the hairbrush and that time with the piece of shit right?  You remember that time you went to your little brothers primary school play and had a wank in the little toilets during the interval.  That time you let the cat lick jam of your balls when you were a little drunk.

Now remember this the next time you take you girl/boyfriend out for a meal.  Just after the main course when they are eying up the hot chocolate fudge cake on the desert menu, just when they look their sweetest.  Then imagine catching them doing something really rather depraved to themselves.  Always phone ahead.

Ever had a danger wank?  You should, and then see if you can beat (fanar fanar) your time the next time she pops to the shops.

Luckily I have never been caught having a wank.  Why the fuck am I telling you all this?

All I’m saying is, we all have a dirty little secret or two… and it feels fucking great doesn’t it, you filthy fucks!

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