What ever happened to Maximo Park?
Hopefully they are all dead!
This isn’t so much a rant today as more of an idea. I have come up with a killer new sport that has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to pitch, players, time limits all that nonsense. It’s a game that can be played on any point of the globe whatever time of day it may be and there is no end to the game, it just keeps going and going.
The Celebrity Killing League!
Sounds fucking awesome doesn’t it, that’s because it is. You register online, pay a minimal fee for the upkeep of the website and get out there and crack some skulls. The higher the profile the higher the score for the kill, extra points will also be taken into consideration for location and style.
Imagine capping Simon Cowell on live TV while he’s giving one of his, ‘well I think you’ve got no talent’ speeches to some teacher from Stains. Right between the eyes, open the pricks fucking canister up right there in front of a huge viewing audience. Or better yet, think of the points you could get for blowing up that little runt Bieber at some cheesy red carpet event, bonus!
There would be a TV channel dedicated to the CKL bringing exclusive updates and coverage of top events such as the Oscars and the Grammys. You will be able to keep up to date with your favourite CKL players via the website where you will also be able to checkout foreign leagues and their stars. You will also be able to buy merchandise from our online store and our store at Bluewater shopping centre (opening soon.)
It would be great wouldn’t it; it might even make things like the Brit awards watchable. I would defiantly shoot that fat unfunny arsehole James Corden. I hate that stuck up fat shit, he actually thinks he the funniest bloke in the country. I think he’s an arrogant, bloated foghorn that laughs at his own jokes and has the stones to host a show about football when he clearly would have a fucking heart attack if he played 10 minutes of 5 a side. Talk about take the piss, I don’t want to see this swollen up glutton tell me his opinions about any sportsman, it would be like asking a blind man to describe a painting, fucking pointless.
He was only ever in that Gavin and Stacy program and that was shit. He’s just got one of those faces I just want to rip off, not just punch. His stupid face as he chortles to himself doing a funny dance for the camera like an ape, his neck flab flopping around like jelly. I want to kill him, but I probably wouldn’t get that many points for him as he’s such a failure.
You probably wouldn’t get that many points for decapitating Timmy Mallet, but I would still like to do that one myself. I still think he’s a nonce, he freaks me out and I find people that are that friendly just a little sinister. Children’s TV presenters have never sat right with me, grown adults that act like kids and speak in that slow, condescending tone, fucking weird man.
I know that it can be a stepping stone towards a proper acting career but some people devote their whole life to entertaining children. Like that Jeffrey guy from Rainbow, what a sad bastard. I have heard that he is a complete pisshead now by a mate that live down his road. He can often be seen buying cans of super-T from the local offy, sometimes asleep in the Chinese takeaway, slumped against the wall with his chicken balls dropped in his lap. Prat!
But he does look the type, I recon he had a drink problem when he was on the show, it would be the only way I could get through recording that abomination, pretending to give a shit and being 100% nice to a fucking sock puppet, no way, pass the vodka. And that giant talking bear, Bungle, definite paedophile! I could see him with his hand on a boy’s knee, slowly unzipping his fly and turning the boy’s attention to his thickening penis. I want to set him on fire!
You see this is why my new sport is such a good idea, thin out the disgusting stagnating pool of useless celebrity scumbags. Take out those walking headshots that only serve as a distraction, keep you glued to celebrity come dine with me instead of looking into why so much of your tax money goes to the military. You moan about your tax money all the time but you just don’t find out where it goes do you, but you give a shit about who’s in the semi-final of the X-factor, you fucking morons. Let’s make way for those that might make a difference to our lives not just distract the stupid from what’s really going on.