and the winner is…

What ever happened to Maximo Park?

Hopefully they are all dead!

This isn’t so much a rant today as more of an idea.  I have come up with a killer new sport that has absolutely no boundaries when it comes to pitch, players, time limits all that nonsense.  It’s a game that can be played on any point of the globe whatever time of day it may be and there is no end to the game, it just keeps going and going.

The Celebrity Killing League!

Sounds fucking awesome doesn’t it, that’s because it is.  You register online, pay a minimal fee for the upkeep of the website and get out there and crack some skulls.  The higher the profile the higher the score for the kill, extra points will also be taken into consideration for location and style.

Imagine capping Simon Cowell on live TV while he’s giving one of his, ‘well I think you’ve got no talent’ speeches to some teacher from Stains.  Right between the eyes, open the pricks fucking canister up right there in front of a huge viewing audience.  Or better yet, think of the points you could get for blowing up that little runt Bieber at some cheesy red carpet event, bonus!

There would be a TV channel dedicated to the CKL bringing exclusive updates and coverage of top events such as the Oscars and the Grammys.  You will be able to keep up to date with your favourite CKL players via the website where you will also be able to checkout foreign leagues and their stars.  You will also be able to buy merchandise from our online store and our store at Bluewater shopping centre (opening soon.)

It would be great wouldn’t it; it might even make things like the Brit awards watchable.  I would defiantly shoot that fat unfunny arsehole James Corden.  I hate that stuck up fat shit, he actually thinks he the funniest bloke in the country.  I think he’s an arrogant, bloated foghorn that laughs at his own jokes and has the stones to host a show about football when he clearly would have a fucking heart attack if he played 10 minutes of 5 a side.  Talk about take the piss, I don’t want to see this swollen up glutton tell me his opinions about any sportsman, it would be like asking a blind man to describe a painting, fucking pointless.

He was only ever in that Gavin and Stacy program and that was shit.  He’s just got one of those faces I just want to rip off, not just punch.  His stupid face as he chortles to himself doing a funny dance for the camera like an ape, his neck flab flopping around like jelly.  I want to kill him, but I probably wouldn’t get that many points for him as he’s such a failure.

You probably wouldn’t get that many points for decapitating Timmy Mallet, but I would still like to do that one myself.  I still think he’s a nonce, he freaks me out and I find people that are that friendly just a little sinister.  Children’s TV presenters have never sat right with me, grown adults that act like kids and speak in that slow, condescending tone, fucking weird man.

I know that it can be a stepping stone towards a proper acting career but some people devote their whole life to entertaining children.  Like that Jeffrey guy from Rainbow, what a sad bastard.  I have heard that he is a complete pisshead now by a mate that live down his road.  He can often be seen buying cans of super-T from the local offy, sometimes asleep in the Chinese takeaway, slumped against the wall with his chicken balls dropped in his lap.  Prat!

But he does look the type, I recon he had a drink problem when he was on the show, it would be the only way I could get through recording that abomination, pretending to give a shit and being 100% nice to a fucking sock puppet, no way, pass the vodka.  And that giant talking bear, Bungle, definite paedophile!  I could see him with his hand on a boy’s knee, slowly unzipping his fly and turning the boy’s attention to his thickening penis.  I want to set him on fire!

You see this is why my new sport is such a good idea, thin out the disgusting stagnating pool of useless celebrity scumbags.  Take out those walking headshots that only serve as a distraction, keep you glued to celebrity come dine with me instead of looking into why so much of your tax money goes to the military.  You moan about your tax money all the time but you just don’t find out where it goes do you, but you give a shit about who’s in the semi-final of the X-factor, you fucking morons.  Let’s make way for those that might make a difference to our lives not just distract the stupid from what’s really going on.

this guy…

Let’s talk about an icon…

In particular one Mr Carlos Ray Norris, or Chuck to his mates.

For some strange reason he has become some kind of recent, teen legend with strings of websites and merchandising using his name.  Some prick even sent me a text message that was a Chuck Norris joke about his doing press ups and the world moving.  Come, don’t send me this shit, it’s really not funny.  It’s a waste of my time and yours, and you won’t have much left if you keep sending me this shit.

A kid down the pub was talking about him like he was some cultural guru or spiritual leader so I asked the kid if he had seen any of his movies, with which he replied ‘that one with that Bruce Lee guy in.’ I nearly threw the kids drink over him, I’m not wasting my beer on an arsehole.

Now I’m not going to have a pop at the guy for his films however bad they may be, and believe me they are complete shite.  Take the classic DELTA FORCE series, for fuck sake could you get lower budget.  Most of the scenery is made of ply board and scaffold poles and they want us to believe that the dry, almost desert like conditions of the Californian brush are the subtropical, deep jungles of the Vietnam or Cambodia.  Come on, some of us actually enjoy watching films; we are going to notice at some point.

And as for his acting, Christ on a stick, it was shocking.  Even the best of editors couldn’t save his awful line delivery.  He used to mouth the rest of the casts lines in scenes due to the fact it was the only way he could remember where he was in the script.  All those kicks to the head I guess.

He was a karate champion many years ago so credit where credit is due, but why do these people that were good at sport, shit at acting sit down one day and think ‘I’m going to go into politics.’  Because you are known to the public and have had some kind of status in the world of the celebrity do you believe you can be a good politician?

This guy had the audacity of writing a letter to Barack Obama on how he should run the country when he took the office.  This guy thinks he knows more about politics than a guy that has been studying and working to become president his whole life, purely on the grounds that he has a few outdated, right wing opinions.

And let’s not forget that this action man is also a fundamentalist Christian.  An anti-evolutionist Christian that wants homosexuality banned from all schools in the states, this includes education and awareness regarding the subject because in his mind this goes against the word of god.  This is a man that believes that all people came from just one man and woman 6000 years ago that were made from clay and a rib by some omnipotent, bearded space entity.  Also around this time dinosaurs we’re walking about and helping us with our day to day chores, kind of like in the Flintstones.  Muppet!

He also believes that everyone has the right to bear arms and that you should just be able to go buy guns where and when you want to.  Go try explaining that to the parents of innocent kids that get mowed down in a gang gun fight when they are on their way to school.  Go team up with Charlton Heston too, you bearded fuckwit, he was a racist also, I’m sure you’ll get along like a house on fire.

A house on fire filled with fundamentalist, pro-life, anti- black, Klan conservative arsehole just like yourself.  Lock yourself in there, pour petrol all over yourselves and light a match, you fucking hick fucker.  And let him have a go if he doesn’t like this opinion of him, he like 70 odd, the guy looks like a fucking nutsack with ginger felt stuck all over it!

This is a guy that became famous through an eastern martial form and gained more credibility from starting his movie career by staring with the legend Bruce Lee.  He then goes on to finish off his film career by staring in films killing people from the east.  He probably thought that Lee was just a yellow zipper head and would have probably enjoyed killing him in a war like scenario or something, the fascist bum hole.

I thought America was becoming more progressive and leading the way in forward thinking, really waving the flag when it comes to the first world way of life.  But truth be told, they are a young country with next to no history, and the history they do have is mostly about war.  And they are at war with a fundamental terrorist organisation.  This is just funny, two side of religious nutters fighting it out, let’s hope they wipe each other out in the proses and leave room for the rest of us that just want to get on with it.

So anyway… next time you see someone wearing one of those joke Chuck Norris t-shirts, ask him where his white, pointy hood is.

Yeah, I really don’t like the prick, and he better have another fist under his beard coz I’m going to kick the fucker into dialysis!

But Walker, Texas Ranger wasn’t that bad!

here we go…

So shall we have a few more words on the world of celebrity?  Yes, why not!

But where to begin, there are so many of these moronic little parasites to choose from, the list is almost endless.

Lady Gaga for example, we all know she has a cock tucked between her thighs, we have all seen the photos.  And let’s face it her music isn’t very original now is it.  She has just taken a selection of some of the world’s leading gay icons and mashed them together and gone for that retro style in her videos.  Her image changes from week to week, just like Madonna did but at a much accelerated rate.

I’m trying to work out whether she is attractive or just a nasty little swamp donkey, she’s like a cross between Bonnie Langford and Marilyn Manson.

I know why she has such a big gay following, because she’s a fucking hermaphrodite, she’s her own best friend.  But seriously, why has this big nosed, no talent monster been forced in to the upper echelons of celebrity, and just who is buying this tripe?  Do we really need somebody to tell us to be strong no matter what we look like or what our race or sexual orientation?  I don’t think we do.  And if you do need a heads up from this psychotic uber-tranny then maybe you deserve to be treated like a ponce and looked down at.

If you need to be told by somebody that it’s okay to be who you are then your nothing more than a weak willed fanny that probably thinks that this Gaga character is the most important artist in the last 50 years.  You are wrong!

And have you see her fans, for fuck sake. There is such a thing as too gay, yeah.  Now don’t take this as homophobia, because you would be well off the mark but some of these little benders make gay guys cringe!  In years to come do you think they will look back at their homemade fan films of them miming the words to Born this way into a dildo on YouTube and think, ‘fuck me, I was cool back then!’  No, I don’t think they will either.

And she says she like to ware those ridiculous outfits everywhere, but then she would wouldn’t she.  She’s a fucking idiot.  The things some girls/boys/don’t know what will do for fame.

And that brings us crashing straight into my other bugbear of late, Justin fuckin’ Bieber!

Oh, this little grinning prick has a lot to answer for.  Have you seen this cocky little cunt perform, you can almost see his strings leading up to the catwalks overhead, Usher pulling them to the rhythm of the music, his cock still wet from Bibber’s young mouth, coz let’s face it, he’s got to be paying his way somehow.

Did his mother pimp him out or what?  Little bastard gyrating on the stage, grabbing his dick like he’s got crabs or something and squeaking ‘Baby, baby, baby’ over and over again.  Sometimes I can’t believe this little prick is real some times, he looks like some computer generated lesbian made by the Disney cooperation to sell more merchandise to little girls and perverted old men.

I saw an interview with him a while back and a light bulb popped behind him, I swear to god the little bitch shat himself.  It was great; you could almost smell his fear.  Bender!  Yet when he’s with Usher on the telly he turns all gangster, giving it the big dick act for the media, throwing gang signs and talking Ebonics.  He’s a middle class white boy from a rich family in Canada.

I want to make this little pimp cry.  I mean floods of tears as I crush his windpipe with my bare hand, his little girlfriend sucking my balls.

They tried to give the little bastard so credos by saying a dancer shagged him backstage and was having his baby.  50% of you said ‘she’s just after the cash’ and the other 50% said ‘good on him’ for nailing a bird with tits bigger than his head.  As if that fucking panty waste could last a second in the sack with a tart like that, let alone sire a child with the filthy pinchprick!

I WANT TO SEE HIM HANG! 

she had high hopes…

Here is another instalment of my free blog series… just a little slice for ya’ll!

Brian the maker

Part 4

Sally walked down the bland corridor past fake plants and across maroon wall to wall carpeting.  One of the wheels of the cleaning trolley squeaked a little as she pushed it down the hall.  The smell of the horrid, blue hi-phosphate toilet cleaner still is stinging in her nostrils.

She had taken the job to pay for her tuition but had to drop out of collage due to her unplanned pregnancy.  She still had no idea who the father was but had narrowed it down to about three different guys.

She held up the cleaning schedule and read aloud ‘room 123, 145, 147 and chalet 112, top night.’  There had been a stag party staying the night before so a few of the room needed that extra special treatment.

Most of the toilets needed a good scrubbing.  Shit, puke and blood over mostly everything in the bathrooms and one of the showers had a Jonny blocking the plughole so the bathroom had flooded a bit.  She had found two unopened bottles of champagne, a gram of cocaine and forty cigarettes so every cloud and all that.

All of the sheets from the stag party’s room needed the laundry.  It’s amazing how many of these rugby types just shit themselves in the night on these away weekend things.  One of them had fallen asleep in a quiet spot in the lobby wearing nothing but a bed sheet and a single rubber glove.  The hotel staffs were only made aware of his presence when they heard him violently throw up over himself.

He was billed for the mess and asked to go back to his room.  He was later found out by the lake covered in his own shit.

He had always wondered why these dickheads get into such a state when they come to these types of low rent hotels, guess it’s because they don’t have to clean up after themselves.  Fucking animals, its pricks like them that force her to be here on a Friday night, cleaning up their shit off the walls like a zoo keeper in an ape house.

She had once walked into a room on a clean to find a prostitute barley alive crawling around like a dog with worms while a guy hung from the windowsill by a tie.  He had died with a clear plastic bag over his head, a cricket ball in his mouth and his cock in his hand.  The plastic bag had been filled with poppers and he had passed out in an autoasphyxiation session with the hooker.  No knowing what to do the hooker had finished off all the drugs in the room in one go and gone quite mad.

It had taken a while for her to shake the image from her mind and they had let her have some time off.  She still attended counselling and made sure that she knocked extra loud before she entered a room.

It’s funny she had never even heard of people doing that sort of stuff before she had worked here.  But here she was with her hand half stuffed down a toilet bowl trying to pull the remains off a teddy bear out of it.

There had been a guy that worked here called Mike and he had told her loads of horror stories about the types of people that frequented hotels.  He had work in the industry for years and seen it all before.  He once told her about a gang of prostitutes that went around drugging footballers so they could rob them.  It backfired in the end when a couple of them drugged some midget circus performers and got the sleeping drug doses wrong.  They had given the midgets enough to knock out an athletic footballer type and killed the both of them.  There was a day of morning in their native home of China.

He had told her about drug busts, assassinations, sex crimes and cheaply made pornography.  Every time she saw somebody check in she thought about the stories Mike had told her and thought ‘what’s you kink, arsehole?’

She walked down the leafy walkway towards chalet 112, the last on the list.  The last occupiers had been honeymooners so she was expecting sticky sheets and the musk of a weekend of rough sex.

She fumbled with the key in the lock and let herself into the dark room.  They had lost the TV on, bastards, but there was something here.  She was shocked at what she found.

A man stood in the middle of the room totally naked bar a pair of white cotton socks, fucking the mouth of a severed head to a backdrop of violent BDSM on the fifty inch plasma screen.  “Do come in darling, shut the door behind you, we have so much to talk about.” He said with a smile.  Sally passed out onto the boring maroon wall to wall carpet.

time is not on my side

I was in the St Georges café the other day having a spot of breakfast and a cup of tea when this old couple came in and sat at the table behind me.  I ate till I was full but I had left half of the beans on my plate.  Everything else had gone the sausages, chips and even the slices of bread and butter, all gone but the baked beans.

As I got up to leave I heard the old guy say to his wife, ‘somebody else could have had those beans.’  At first I thought ‘silly old sod it’s only a few beans’ but it got me to thinking about how wasteful we are nowadays.

Let’s face it, most of us wouldn’t think twice about a quarter of an out of date loaf going into the bin now would we, but to some that’s more than they might see in a week food wise.  Leaving that half-drunk cup of tea might seem like nothing to you but to some it’s the height of 1^st world decadence.

I didn’t mean to leave those beans, I asked for what was on the menu and that’s what I got.  It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t eat it all; the portions in there are just a little too big.  And I had paid for them, with money I had earned from my hard work so fuck him, the old coffin dodger.  I have to fork out of my own pocket not get a state pension, something I won’t see when I hit retirement age, so if I want to leave a few beans or a whole sausage on my fucking plate its nobody’s concern but mine.  Twat!  And your wife stinks of piss and almost put me off my meal, probably what made me leave the beans.

I fucking hate old people, and before you get the arsehole with me and try and change my opinion let’s look at the facts.  They do nothing, they pay no taxes, and they just get ill and cost the working man money.  They are slow and get in the way of people that actually have to get somewhere.  Their time is over and they are just taking up space and resources that could be used by younger, fitter people.

I was once told I was to mean to die young, I just wish this was the case.  I can feel my ever impending doom hang over me like a veil of sadness.  I know I’m not long of this place, and I have been alive longer than I have left to live, quite frightening you might think?

But no,  I has given me the opportunity to make plans and make the most of the time I have left here, even though you might say I’m really not living by spending my life in front of a computer, typing away.  But you know what, I’m doing it.  I enjoy it, and most of all fuck you.

It has also given me an appreciation of not giving a fuck about people.  I enjoy the fact that I feel nothing for most of the populace now.  There is no point in worrying about others because they really don’t give a fuck about you.  Believe me; humans only look out for number one, survival of the fittest and all that.  I believe they call it Darwinism.

I would love to grow old and see my future kid grow to be adults but I know that just won’t happen.  I also think that having children is a little bit twisted.  If we were like animals and didn’t have conscious thought, then I could forgive people for having children.  But we think, we understand, we feel, bringing life into this world is also condemning them to death and a life of misery.

The bad always outweighs the good.

im gonna destroy you Miley…

We are just a tiny drop in the oceans of time… but what do I know? There might even be a god!

I want to get Miley Cyrus hopelessly addicted to MDMA and turn her into a junkie sex zombie. I would seriously mistreat that fucking puppet. She would be found burnt-out in a sleazy motel dumpster somewhere in back country America, filled to the brim with cheap vodka and jizum with a .45 calibre round in her skull and a Micky Mouse tattoo on her tit.

I want her face to be on milk cartons across the country for a while, set the media into frenzy by sending one of her toes to the New York Times in a box. Best part is to get her so fucked up I get her to chop her own toe off for me to send. Mind you there are a few of these so called celebrities cum buckets that I wouldn’t mind tacking out in some kind of home invasion, Manson style. Take them away kicking and screaming out into the woods in the boot of a cheap car and nail-gunning them to a tree. Do despicable things about their person and finally setting fire to them alive!

But I joke; I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy so why would I want to wish that upon a celebrity bird I have never met?

BECAUSE I CAN!

This is the advantage of living in the free world. Some people I know don’t seem to get this, always complaining about immigrants and whatnot or having to pay too much tax to pay for people on the dole. Really gets on my tits. They don’t realise that ‘these fucking immigrants’ don’t really have a choice, its often a case of, stay in their home country and die or get away for the chance of a better life for their family. If the boot was on the other foot I reckon most of these petty nationalist fuck heads would get the fuck out while the going was good too.

And some of these people bang on about wanting to move to Spain because ‘this country’s fucked.’ These are the same people that will in the same conversation show complete ignorance by being racist towards the Polish, Chinese or Nigerians. What would that make you, you fucking dumb ass?!

I have no problem with the way society has become multinational. The clash of cultures is amazing and so apparent in my home town of Gravesend.

There are so many different ethnic areas now; I live in a part now known as the Eastern Block due to the huge Lithuanian, Russian, Latvian and Ukrainian population. There are all kinds of delis and grocery stores opening up, it’s great. Korean, Chinese, North African, Caribbean, and Eastern European. It truly is awesome if you’re a bit of a foodie like me.

The Chinese guy at the Asian market has a tumour in his thumb on his right hand, and he uses this thumb to run through the receipt with you to show what discounts he has given you. It’s a little off putting and I never get what he’s going on about due to his massive black, deformed thumbnail.

I also had a bad one in the North African store when I found a massive tarantula in with the plantains. Luckily it was dead and the guy in there just picked it up and threw it in the bin. I freaked me out a little but he said it was quite common to find them in with some of the fruit from time to time.

I’m also convinced that the little bloke that runs the Thai grocery is a lady boy. He seems a little too feminine and looks as if he still has makeup left on from a late night at the tranny clubs. But he’s a nice guy and always gives me a free box of Poky when I go in there. I hope he doesn’t want to bum me!?

So yeah, I don’t get it when dickheads go on about immigrants fucking up the country when all they do is add to the place. It’s great learning about different cultures, even if it is just the basic stuff like foods and shopping but it still broadens the horizons. If these thick Brits took a little time to get to know these folk they would see they are just the same as the rest of us, we’re all trying to get on in this world so why don’t we all just do it together.

Fuck, I sound like a hippy!