Monthly Archives: July 2012

Think I might have a bit of a temperature!

It’s back for another round!

Go check out some weirdness over at Feverish Fiction… A fever of which you might never recover from HAHAHA!


Think I might be going slightly fucking nuts???

The faulty escape pod creaked and groaned under the enormous pressure from the leagues of ocean above it, the cramped space so hot and the air was thinning quickly.  He knew this was the end and couldn’t hold back the tears a moment longer.  That was his last act, naked, sweaty and crying, rolled up in the foetal position on the floor of the slowly descending vessel as the pod finally gave in to the pressure and collapsed the pod like a tin can in a burst of bubbles.


So of late (the last few days) I have spiralled into a deep melancholy, a dark and brooding paranoia as if I have done or said something wrong down the line.  I feel slightly different in my approach towards people I know and feel as if they are being slightly different towards me, like I am not really wanted within their company.

I have these moments from time to time, a crushing wait befalls me and I have to get out of my normal surroundings and get away from it all; run if you like.

But why would I feel this way, what would make me think like this?  I don’t have any gripes with anybody and I suspect that the reverse is true also, but I still have this feeling in the back of my skull that something is amiss.

Maybe I have changed?

Maybe in my pursuit of wanting to better myself with study of the written word I have become a modern day hermit, ostracising myself, tucked away in the safety of my cave with only the comfort of a blanket and the internet for company, a strange series of tales floating around in my head wanting to get out on the page?

And yes this is me feeling sorry for myself, trying to find forgiveness in this unforgiving digital realm, yet I have no idea what I have supposed to have done.  And that’s the problem with inbuilt paranoia isn’t it, you feel bad and apologetic about stuff that you may not have even done and feel like complete shit for the stuff you have done.

Imagine the having taken some kind of drug and getting the ‘fear’, something sparks a little paranoia in that drug fuelled psyche of yours, maybe from a awkward look from somebody or a passing comment.  If any of you out there have experimented with any kind of drug then you will get what I’m talking about.  Well imagine that but without having taken anything, now you might grasp what we are dealing with here, that’s how my heads work about once every couple of months.

Seriously, I have to live with this shit!

Then I get insomnia, and I’m not talking about how you can’t get to sleep till like 4 or 5 in the morning, I mean an hours sleep a night if I’m lucky.  My mind will constantly bombard itself with stupid thoughts and ideas.  Rotating scenarios over and over in my head till I get them just so.  This will go one for a couple of night before the heart palpitations kick in and I wake feeling like I’m having a heart attack, straight up, my mind is fucked.

And you know what; there is nobody I can talk to about this that will take me even the slightest bit serious without them thinking ‘DRAMA!’

I don’t think I am close enough to anybody to really tell this to other than my girlfriend and I don’t think she takes me seriously on this either, so I’m just going to tell you all, see if I can’t get an outside opinion or at least have someone out there say ‘oh yeah, I get the same kind of thing, I know what that is.’  Hopefully somebody I don’t know or have never me might be able to pin this down for me and give me complete unbiased advice or insight.

Maybe that’s what I need, to get out there and mix it up with a few randoms.  Get out there and carve a new path for myself, start afresh, leave a lot of this stuff on a shelf somewhere and forget about it for a while.

I know it’s (mostly) just in my head and I need to relax a little, get some sleep. Eat rest and not spend hour after hour in front of the computer spewing my brain vomit on to the net for every fucker to come have a poke at.  I know that (mostly) it’s just some chemicals in my head being a little too high or a little too low making me think that everyone out there thinks that I’m some kind of cunt and not worth the time of day.  So I just need to chill and ride it out I guess.

But what if I have said or done something or just fallen out of favour with enough people to be considered a cunt?  What if it isn’t just in my head?

I’ve seen it happen, it starts with a couple of people not really getting on with someone and having a bitch about them then the next thing you know, everyone thinks that person is a tosser without the poor sod really having done anything to anybody.  Herd mentality and the mob rules!

But I was just starting to like myself again and I went and gone and done something to piss people off (possibly) and push me out of the loop.  Seriously, I really don’t know why I have a phone anymore, it’s not like I get any phone calls or texts.  The last conversation I had was with a bloke from my internet provider telling me my connection would be down for a few days.  I even made small talk with a woman that took my recent hotel reservations.

And you know what the worst thing about paranoia is?  You never get used to it; it takes you by surprise every time even though you know it’s there it still just messes you up.

Enough of myself indulgent ramblings, I have some apologising to do and some questions to ask.

I’m probably going to catch some stick from this post too.

Fuck it, if none of ya’ll have the stones to tell me what I have (possibly) done or said to my face then I’m just gonna keep on being me and you’ll just have to learn to hate me that little bit more.

Think I might have a chat with the woman in the news agent tomorrow…

…also why is it that girls/women that are really into horse riding really look like horses themselves?  I think I’m losing it man!


The middle of nowhere… the centre of everywhere!

So if a guy has four legs and becomes a marathon runner would he have to compete in the Olympics or the Paralympics?  Would it be seen as evolution or a disorder?

So I made the mistake on Thursday night of taking to many drugs and because of this was unable to sleep until well into the morning, around 7 or 8 ish.  I had to get up for work at about 1ish so I wasn’t too bothered about not being able to crash out till so early.

But I was not to know that the Olympic torch was to be coming through my town that morning or that it would be passing directly past my house, nor was I aware that they had set up a PA system just yards from my bedroom window to announce minute by minute how far away the fucking thing was at around 10am.

I was awoken by some overly loud, overly enthusiastic, overly happy woman like one of those failed actresses that end up on kid’s TV shouting down a microphone “GOOD MORNING… GREAT TO SEE SO MANY SMILING FACES!”

My eyes open like shattering glass and I fly instantly into attack mode.  I was at the window, naked and shouting within a second of the festivities starting, for the life of me I cannot recall what I was shouting but everyone saw my penis.

But it would seem I wasn’t the only person that was a little down on the event, someone actually tried to steal (and or attack) the torch from the woman that was running with it just outside the town centre.

If ever there was one thing that would some up my hometown, one action that could properly describe the place where I live and its inhabitants then this would be it.  Even with all those cameras and a heavy police and security presence, some little scrote in a hoodie tried to steal a symbol of what some would call the most important thing to happen to the country in years.  Welcome to Gravesend!

Really, click on the word bellend!

Now, I have friends in the States, around Europe and over in Australia and they ask me ‘so what’s your town like’ or ‘what’s it like where you are?’  Well now thanks to some bellend I can finally describe it to them with one anecdote.  I have never been so proud of my hometown, ha-ha!

There was also a bit of a buzz the other day when a large hole appeared in the middle of the street on the town’s one-way system.  This was big news in the town and was whispered in hushed tones in every café along with the sound of false teeth falling into plates of beans on toast and the clink of tea cups.

Turns out a kid had stolen the lump of tarmac used to fill the pothole dug out by the council weeks earlier to fix a hole he had made in his dad’s garage floor.  Welcome to Gravesend!

And people wonder why I want to move!



Go check this out… Feverish Fiction!

New monstrous, creepy, gory and esoteric flash fiction stories are posted every Monday for your reading pleasure from the twisted minds of Michael Faun, Michael Bergamotte and yours truly.

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‘Honey… I got popcorn in the crack of my ass!’

I don’t think the guy a few seats in front of me was getting a blow job, I think he had a twitch and his girlfriend was really tired.

I kid, I kid… she was sucking his dick!

Well that was something I haven’t done in so long and I have truly missed the feeling and experience of it all, I didn’t even feel put out by the cash I handed over to the girl or the fact that the floor was a little sticky when I got in there.  Yep, I have been to the cinema on my own!

And it was fucking amazing, haven’t been to the pictures on my own in years and I had (pretty much) the whole place to myself, I even took my shoes off.  The air-con was just right and I sat at the back, in the middle in one of those airplane style seats so I could really spread out.

It had been so long that I was imagining that the price of the popcorn was going to be extortionate but I got a deal which worked out reasonable for what I got.  The hotdog was the real bonus, a foot-long with onions, mustard and ketchup for £3, magic!  The only problem was that the 7up was predominantly soda, but you can’t have everything.

I planned this trip to the flicks strategically, I worked it all out and I got a really cool day out of it.  I guessed that the place would be empty on a Monday morning so close to the summer holidays and I even waited for the new Spiderman movie to come out so all the kids that weren’t at school would be in there.  Nothing spoils a cool film like the place being filled with noisy fucking kids throwing popcorn at each other and forgetting to turn their phones off.  You just start to get into the movie and forget that there’s anyone else there when a spotty little face gets lit up by the glow of a blackberry screen and all you can hear is a fucking ringtone, makes me want to kill!

I actually saw someone get punched in the back of the head real hard because he decided he was going to talk to his mate on his phone during a film once, real hard; the look on his face will haunt me for the rest of my life… and really cheer me up when I’m feeling a little down.  Ha-ha, the noise of the guy behind’s fist connecting with that pricks skull was epic.

But it’s not like it used to be, the place is one of those multiplex’s that has about 14 screens and a shitload of snack Kiosks around every corner.  I used to love the old place in Gravesend, three screens and a proper cinema lobby, the place had that unmistakeable smell of plastic and stale popcorn, the floor was tacky with the thousands of spilled cokes over the years and because they were independent they would occasionally get the odd horror flick you wouldn’t get in the mainstream cinemas, the place was wicked.

But then it got sold to the Asian community and was used as a Bollywood cinema which wasn’t a bad thing but then it was sold again to the church of scientology and was eventually burnt to the ground by somebody that really had a problem with those white robed, e-meter reading arseholes.  Can’t think why, maybe it was Katie Holmes ha-ha!

It was very weird seeing the place go to pot so quickly as I have fond memories of it, but seeing those scientology pricks handing out leaflets and trying to get people to go inside to be brainwashed by their propaganda films, dazzled by the images of celebrity mind slaves and Hollywood mongs worshiping this shit.  Shouldn’t really go on about it too much as I don’t want them camping out near my house and following me to the shops.  Cunts is as far as I will go no it!

I thought that Kabala shit that dried up, baby stealing, cock hungry horse crab Madonna was knocking on about for so long; loads of people going around with a little bit of red string tied around their wrists and building shrines in the grounds of their mansions, dickheads!

Just goes to show most of these rich celebrity types will believe anything if you package it in the right way.   ‘Buy you way into the upper circle of our cult, it will only cost you $100,000 and your personal freedom and safety if you want to leave or expose us for the danger that we are,’ this is why scientology is illegal in France, good on you France!

Not often you get to say that… unless your referring to their culture, night life, art, music, food, class system, employment and 4 day work week, also their views on law, sex and censorship and you can smoke where you like and nobody thinks you’re an alcoholic if you have a glass of wine with a large, continental breakfast… wait… why the fuck do I still live in the UK anyhow?  Oh, that’s right, the taxes are too high so I can’t afford to save and move away… unlike in France.

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