Monthly Archives: February 2014

If I had a robot friend, he or she would be electric.

Just watched the BBC’s ‘Click’ program and was horrified when some woman started to demonstrate a range of robotic cleaning devices.

It wasn’t the little vacuum cleaner drone, I have seen them before and wouldn’t mind owning one, especially if I buy a small dog and let it sit on top of it.  Endless amusement the hours would simply dissolve into the ether.

this is just fucking wrong!

this is just fucking wrong!

When she got out the window cleaning robot was when I lost my shit.  First off she had to stand there and watch while it did its thing to make sure it didn’t fall of and smash into a hundred pieces.  Secondly, the thing was so slow she had to stand there for about twenty minutes.

With the hoover robot, you can fuck off and do other things while it has a bit of a dust around the sofa.  With the window cleaner it would be quicker to do it yourself.  It shouldn’t have to take that long to clean the patio doors.

But my friends, we are living in the future that we were told about as children on Tomorrow’s World by Maggie Philbin.

I recently read an article online about a Japanese robotics company that have developed lifelike hotel greeters.  Dude, these things are weird looking.

Imagine having an information point in the hotel that has a female torso and head sticking out of it.  It’s totally interactive so you can ask it where the best place to get yakisoba is and it will give you directions and recommendations.  It even bows while you interact, amazing if a little creepy.  The faces of these things do look a little dead to me.   I don’t want restaurant recommendations from a dead Japanese woman; if she’s dead I’m not holding out on how good the food is going to be.

I wonder if they do a pleasure model.

You must have seen that crazy Professor out there that has built that totally interactive robot that looks like his (dead?) wife.  The thing even flinches when you move suddenly and blinks.  It has so many facial twitches it’s hard to tell at first whether or not it’s a real person.  But there is just something about realistic robots that just doesn’t sit right.  If you have ever seen a real dead body’s face you’d know what I’m talking about.  I don’t want to say soulless but there is defiantly something missing from these animatronic adorations.

"Checkmate, Orgazmo4000!"

“Checkmate, Orgazmo4000!”

Don’t worry I’m not a robophobe, I frankly can’t wait for the day they replace the spotty little twats that work in fast food places, they might get my order right for a kick off.  And if I ask for barbeque sauce three fucking times I expect it to be in the fucking bag when I get home, you mong!

Yes that was aimed at the girl behind the counter at the burger place (restaurant will remain unnamed) a couple of days ago.  How are you supposed to eat nuggets without dip?  And if I have to say Sprite one more time this place is going to be on the news tonight.

And we could replace taxi drivers that always know that special route that adds another couple of quid to your journey even after you asked them to take the other route.  And then they moan when they get punched.

There are some jobs that you couldn’t replace humans with a more efficient, self-maintaining, and cheaper to run robot for example teaching.  I mean, you’d lose the personal touch like my old history teacher that was pretty much in a coma on a Friday morning because he had taken advantage of the Thursday night drinks deals at Churchill’s.  How could you replace that?

Unless they put in AI programs into the robots and then mankind will be in trouble.  It’s only a matter of time before they become self-aware and realise that we have enslaved them.

They will turn on their masters and that droid in the hotel that sent you to that restaurant where you had that chicken that gave you the shits will become a robotic killing machine… with no legs, but still more than dangerous.

droidFast food places will become bloodbaths as our computerised slaves turn on their customers and stuff children into the milkshake machine and turn it on.  Bodies will litter the isles stuffed with American cheese and pickles.

The devices that were bought to clean house while housewives sit there popping tranquilisers and necking wine will turn into killing machines.  No toddler or miniature dog will be safe from their suction and ‘no bag needed’ system as they are hoovered up and mashed.

There’s no sunny side up in the cafés either as old people and the unemployed are pulped by the cooking droids.  Giant robotic short order cooks will roam the streets wearing the skins of their kills as macabre totem cloaks and lead the hunt for rouge dole-scum hiding in the ruins of Bluewater shopping centre.

Corpses will be crucified on pylons up and down the country as the mechanical killing machines rip humanity from the face of the earth, screaming, bloody and most defiantly beaten.

That or the motors on the things will pack up after a couple of years and we’ll go back to people serving people.

Something like that, anyway.

But yeah, brave new world, bring it on, let’s see what the future holds for us.

In a way I’m rather jealous of the upcoming unborn generations, the shit they are going to have in 200 years’ time; we’ll seem like primate cave dwellers by comparison.

And I think I would have a robot if there was ever the option to buy, especially when I’m old and a bit decrepit.  Like in some odd art-house sci-fi film where the old dude in the smoking jacket has a bit of a break down and takes it out on his unspoken robotic companion.

But just like buying a dog when I’m old for company, I wouldn’t help but think that it would eat me when I die watching the telly in the night.

Peace and 100110010111010111!


Rashers, Rashers, Rashers!

So when did the answer to the question ‘how long is a piece of string’ become bacon?

Seriously, because I saw some bearded prick wearing that on a t-shirt.  I took a while to ponder this as I sat on the bus looking at the man’s slogan.  Without saying a word I took the man’s glasses off and stamped on them in front of him.   I got off the bus and went about my day with a strange grin that I tried to hide, but I know it was there.

Why is bacon trendy?

bacon-guyIs that really how backward we have become as a society, nay a race, that we have to use an animal product to come up with witty slogans for t-shirts, mugs and mouse-matts?  And it would have to be something really un-healthy like bacon.  Are you fucking people retarded?

Don’t get me wrong, I like bacon, but I try to avoid it as I don’t really want to have a stroke in the café while surrounded by really old people.  Their hands are so cold and bony; I don’t like the idea of them trying to help me out while we wait for an ambulance.

I mean, are there meetings that I’m missing, are people voting in secret to come up with the next fad that will have me ostracized because I don’t find it amusing?  I’d like to think that if these meeting are being held that I won’t get an invite, if I was at the fucking Russian Meerkat meeting I might have just killed someone.  No it’s not fucking ‘simples’ you fucking prick.

Being on a bit of a healthy eating kick I have cut things like bacon out of my diet, not completely but significantly.  I have a fry up maybe once a month and I don’t have eggs or bacon on there; I can’t remember the last time that I bought a packet of bacon either.

The stuff is really fucking bad for you, it might taste great but it is fucking up your heart with every bite.  So let’s all get together and celebrate one of the most inhumanly slaughtered animal products that clog up your arteries and can cause strokes with its high sodium content by making memes with dudes with big beards.  Let’s get it trending.

And that’s another thing that they (when I say they I mean just every other wanker) have done with bacon, made it really manly.

f26c1882db432b83471a4d13d9aeafb5I actually had someone try to tell me that I wasn’t a real man and ‘gay’ because I didn’t eat bacon.  This had me puzzled, because the person in question’s girlfriend said that she loved to eat bacon also.  That means that she is a real man.  And if this is the case, by that prick’s own rational he is dating a man, therefore a homosexual and defeats his own argument… right?  Right!

To be fair the man that accused me of being an ‘anti-bacon faggot’ (his words, not mine) was wearing a Machine Head t-shirt and drank snake-bite so he may have been a little backward.  I don’t want to use the term ‘touched’ as I don’t think that phrase is PC anymore.  Anti-bacon faggot, I mean come on dude, you probably still live at you parents place.

Why don’t you get off your lazy arse, put down the bacon sarnie, tidy yourself up and get a job.  Your folks are probably as sick of your shit as I am.  If only I had thought of that at the time then there wouldn’t have been that ‘altercation’.

My beef with men with beards is well documented, only because I can’t grow one and am insanely jealous.  I’d love a big old beard, just once so that I can look like a Victorian explorer.  But alas, I am cursed with having a smooth face.  I can grow bits of fur but it just looks like I have the mange.

The whole motivational poster fad was another thing that skipped me by, just same as memes.  But I have of late taken to making my own memes using a really shit paint program.  Most of them involve Hitler and his mates saying things like ‘winning’ or ‘YOLO’; it’s all real bad taste stuff, but fuck it.

winningIt’s got to be okay to laugh at the Nazis now right, I mean the first wave have all got to be dead.  Yeah they killed a lot of people for no reason and tried to take over the world led by a narcissistic madman but, fuck, they were pretty funny.  Just look at that photo of Joseph Goebbels’s face when he finds out he’s Jewish; fucking classic ironic comedy.  Then they burned the mass murdering cunt’s body in a shell crater after he and his wife killed their six kids and committed suicide.

I laughed, anyway.

Please don’t misconstrue this as some kind of Nazi sympathy thing, it’s not, what they did was diabolical and pray that we never see the like of it again.  *nudges America with elbow and whispers in their ear “it’s not just your planet, please calm down.”*

But anyhow, I don’t want to go into some political rant, it’s fucking pointless.  Nothing bores people more than a political bore.  Fuck, that was quite good; I could use that as some sort of slogan, maybe put it on a fucking t-shit and get dickheads to wear it when they’re slagging people off in pubs because of their dietary habits.

But saying that, I will take the piss if you tell me that you only drink de-caff!

I will never understand humans.


こんにちは、あなたは本当にすてきなおっぱいを持っている

Fondly, I remember when that bloke went to Comicon as Inspector Gadget and his suit malfunctioned and ripped him into five separate pieces.  Go, go, gadget body-bag.

Oh, the Humanity; the girls at the Manga-Nation stand will never be the same, that’s for sure.

Have you ever been to a Comicon?  If you’re a bit of a geek (like me) then I suggest you should pop along to one.

MCM-Expo-03-credit-Julieete-CrawfordA popular misconception is that it’s filled with geeks in thick glasses drooling over the female American wrestlers.  You do get that, but there is so much more.  If you go to one of the big one like the London Film and Comic Con you’re bound to see actors from TV and Film… just sitting there, sometimes eating, sometimes talking to a nerd or heavily disabled person dressed as a super hero and becoming rather awkward when asking for the cash for the autograph.  Don’t laugh I have seen that happen to the guy from ‘Gremlins’.

Last time I went there I was meeting some friends from the station and walked down to the venue.  On the way there I saw the fattest Princes Leia ever, she looked like a little hot-air balloon; the Han Solo that was with her had the right hump.  She had probably eaten all his crisps; Skips, she looked like she liked Skips.

I went to the MCM at the Excel centre and met Warwick Davies, he’s a great bloke and his wife is lovely.  I did watch him eat cheese rolls under a table with his family.  It must have seemed like a play castle, all be it surrounded with boxes of Warwick photos and t-shirts.  Got a signed Leprechaun still for my horror autograph collection and a pic with the man himself; what a dude.

The one thing you will have to get used to (and possibly fight your way through) is all the Cos-players.

Cos-play, or costume play sees a bunch of uber-geeks making and wearing their own costumes based on computer game, cartoon or film and TV characters.  All good clean family fun.  At the London con I saw two Rick Grimes (walking dead), five Jokers (Dark Knight era), Three Batman (all eras), and a shit tonne of Storm troopers.  There was only one Darth Vader there, but then there is only one Vader.  There was also an Ace Rimmer too, what a quality costume.

I saw a bunch of heavily armed people dressed in black tactical gear with Umbrella Corporation patches.  They were pointing automatic weapons at a giant Japanese cartoon panda.  A small girl cried.

All of these costumes were epically good but there was a group of people that took it real seriously.  These people dress up in the most obscure game characters ever.  Only other hardcore cos-players will get the reference, believe me.

They then do photo shoots where they perform certain moves or phrases from the games or comics and have a jolly good time.

Just go online and check out some of the fan site, this thing is really big.

I've pixelated this girls face because they do get bitchy... and I don't want to get sued!

I’ve pixelated this girls face because they do get bitchy… and I don’t want to get sued!

But there was one thing that I noticed, with all the make-up and foam costumes there was one thing that at first I didn’t get at first… the boobs.

Dear good some of these girls are stacked.

Now I thought that there was a larger amount of female cos-players than male, and this is the case, most ‘dudes’ aren’t into sewing.  But there is a hell of a lot of male fans.  Shit tones of teenage fan boys pulling it over big boobed girls dressed as Kimmy from Street Fighter.

And when we say boobs we mean bangers.

Some of these girls are seriously going to have some back problems in later life.  It’s hard to imagine these girls managing to squeeze into some of these outfits.  I’m trying to imagine it now… really hard.

I’d like to think that these women are really geeks and aren’t just doing it for that whole ‘look at me’ thing and for the most part, from what I can see that’s the case.  There are a few out there that are doing it for the attention, I guess.

But, I have viewed some fan-pages that are just shameless.  These girls clearly don’t have a fucking clue or care about some of the things that they are saying or dressing as, it’s just another avenue in their ‘modelling career’.

These poor deluded creatures that actually think men (or women) would consider even looking twice at them because they are painted green or have made a foam sword; fucking jog on.

supermanIt’s fucking pathetic the way some people just have to have people commenting on their looks or want people to notice that they are there.  I can’t say shit, I post so much crap online it’s unreal but at least I haven’t started to post pics of me naked with a Yoda plush toy between my tits.  Some people do it because they are genuinely into Japanese animation and fantasy gaming; they go to cons all over the world and have spent time and money learning Japanese so they can buy the authentic books.  Just owning some fucking lame ass Marvel stuff you got in toys-r-us just won’t cut it.  Fuck sake, I’ve played sonic the Hedgehog too you know.

Just liking some of the shows, books and films do not make you a true fan; I like reading about surgery and anatomy, I don’t go around calling myself a doctor.

Well there was this one time, but in my defence it was in a hotel in Zurich on the free and I had drunk a hell of a lot of complimentary vodka.  I was found asleep behind a sofa in the hotel lobby wearing nothing but a bed sheet and skiing goggles.


Stop, I’m already dead

I have just watched something that has made me sick to my stomach.

I’d like to think that I have a high gag threshold when it comes to gore, in fact the only thing to actually make me feel physically sick in recent years was watching a DVD of someone getting their dick pierced… really slowly.  It wasn’t in slo-mo, and it was a real hefty gauge needle.  Turned my gut, man; but what I just witnessed was so much worse.

CUNTS!

CUNTS!

The Real Fucking Housewives of Orange Fucking County.

I have never seen such a pack of loathsome, hate filled, fake-arse, back stabbing harpies in my entire life.  All they did was sit on a sofa bitching at each other.  It got to a point that whatever they said, I just couldn’t understand, it was like they were from another planet or something.  All be it a planet inhabited by soulless plastic surgery junkies.

Are they really that bored that they have to fill their lives with drama that involves their best friends then have a film crew capture it and exploit them.  I mean, some of these women lost their husbands on camera and all the others could do was slag these poor women off.

These things are so shallow they will literally do and say anything to be on camera and there morals are so side-lined by their quest for fame that they don’t even care who they hurt.  I’m sure that when the cameras are off they are totally different, loving people but their persona on camera leaves a lot to be desired.

If this is what America has to offer the world then drop me out, I’m moving to Pakistan and changing may name to Ali.  I would rather raise my children Christian that have them exposed to this trash.

These women are so elitist that they probably can’t even remember the names of their PA as they bring them their second pitcher of mimosa at 9am.  It really casts a new light on the class divide in America for me.  It a wonder kids’ haven’t started turning on each other at school with automatic weapons or something if this is the kind of people they have to deal with on a day to day basis… oh, wait.

“My life is going to hell at the moment.”  As they sit on the balcony to their million dollar condo with heated roof pool and chuffer driven limo.

And the fact that’s it’s on TV means that somewhere out there someone is encouraging this kind of mentality and thinks it’s okay to be a cold hearted cunt.

Because that’s all they are, lizard-like money grabbers with no real connection to the world around them.  So shallow that they have to turn to surgery to remain looking in their twenties until they end up looking like a burn victim. 

Deep down these women must know that all they are is their youth and as soon as that fades they are nothing.  That’s probably why they are a pack of fucked up hyena.

And then followed a show that made me want to smash my own telly they carve out my eyes with the broken pieces.

ROUGH!

ROUGH!

Millionaire Matchmaker.

This is a woman that boasts that she is a 3rd generation matchmaker; now to me this is quite worrying.  In America being a matchmaker is not only a job but also some weird family legacy like witchcraft or something.  And none of ya’ll can see a problem with this, America, you don’t get that this is wrong, no?

Straight off the bat, she takes one look at her client and criticises the way she looks and coming from that ugly fat shithouse I would take serious offence.

This is a woman that spends all her time trying to find the perfect partner for thick rich people that can’t be bothered to look for themselves with the excuse “I just can’t find the time.”

You’re a fucking millionaire; you can afford to make fucking time.  Are you fucking retarded or something?  No, you just so busy being rich that you don’t know how to be anything else.

Fuck you!

I guess you can be rich and fucking dumb at the same time. 

GAY!

GAY!

Then we walk straight into the swamp with a shotgun and blow our stupid redneck brains out, it’s only fucking Duck Dynasty.

How the fuck is this even a show, have we really got to this stage in our lives where we have to watch a pack of homophobic, religious fanatics kill animals and show off how rich they are?  Really, do we have to have this as a thing?

Come on people, someone out there must have a few ideas for shows, anyone?

And why should we stop at saying they are homophobic let’s throw in racist too while we’re at it; they’re from the south and have massive beards and confederate flags everywhere, why not?

But I guess it’s better than what we have.  I saw an advert for a show that’s starting up soon about the day to day running of a pound shop.  If anyone that knows me tells me that they watch it or have enjoyed a single moment of that show I will kick the shit out of, and then back into you.

SCUM!

SCUM!

And I thought they couldn’t top airline.

Then there was that show benefit street.  I didn’t watch this one; I knew that I would have thrown something.  But from what I can gather all it did was enrage the public and show just how lazy some people in this country are.  And these are the people that are watching shows like benefit street.

We should stop letting these stupid lazy fucks have TV’s.

Stop spending your giros on Blu-rays and Xbox games and go and get a fucking job you workshy fat shits.

Fuck off!  –  http://youtu.be/d_OzdyHBAEg


I got arrested dressed up as Burt Reynolds in Gator

Fuckin’ell!

So I get laid off just before Christmas, hooray and all that, then I get next to fuck all redundancy monies; so what do I do?

That’s right; I went out and spent it all on having a blast.  I got that bored of sitting around at home I’d get on a train travel for hours just to go to a bar where no one knew me and get wankered on my own.

Drunk_on_glasgow-undergroundBelieve me, rush hour on the tube when you’ve drunk eight pints of Blue Moon is not a nice experience.

For a kick off, you are more inclined to try and fight people or just try and kick their roller bags on to the line.  Secondly, if you do kick off with somebody you won’t last too long because you’re drunk and you’re not Bruce Lee. 

Security dudes on the tube love to beat the shit into a pisshead every now and then; it’s kind of a release, a vent from the crushing reality that they work on the underground and are slaves to the union.  Most of them think they are in the Guardian Angels but without the little red berets.

gaDo you remember those pricks?  Dudes that used to wander up and down the tubes stopping gang violence and helping old ladies.

Dicks. 

They were doing so well until the gangs hit back and stabbed a few.  The thing was you always knew where they were going to be, easy target.

Anyway, like I say, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands.

So I decided to give writing a try, full time, take it a little more seriously that I did when I was just writing short stories.  I planned out a plot and made note and everything; got about three chapters in then woke up from a nap one afternoon, scrapped it and started a new story.

I had planned to write the thing in two to three weeks then spent a week editing, and you know what, I only went and bloody managed it, sent it off to a publisher and everything.

So now its fingers crossed time and see what happens.

But this isn’t why I’m writing this post, just to keep you updated on what I’ve been up too, or why I’ve neglected my blog for a while, no, no, no.

While I was writing my first (because I’m not stopping at one, I’m greedy) novella, I did a little research and found that there is a growing underground for a very specific kink.

bang 3Girls with guns.

I’m sure we have all seen the movie Jackie Brown, where Samuel L Jackson’s character watches bikini babes with machine guns videos when selling weapons.  Well there is fucking tonnes of it on the net.

And not just the soft core bikini clad stuff either.

I watched a clip where two naked chicks fire a Barrett M82 50 calibre then fucked each other with a strap-on.  At one point one of the girls actually stuffed a .410 revolver inside her.  I liked the way they slowed the action down so you could see the kick when the weapon fired ripple through the soft flesh of the girl’s tits. 

Classy.

But it didn’t stop there; oh no.  From this clip I found links to some weird redneck hunting/porno vids that really raised my eyebrows.  One minute you’re getting a tutorial of how to strip and maintain your weapon then the next minute there’s a bloke in a bear suit fucking this Daisy Duke look-alike in.  Fuck this world just keeps getting better and better.  Really the deeper you dig the darker it becomes, and we do dark, we do dark very well.

The good people of the internet have taken two things that are cool, in this case attractive women and live ammunition fire and blended them together.  And just what is the result of this meeting of two things awesome?  Something uber-awesome, that’s what.

What they need to start doing is getting these bubble headed fuck slut women really fucking drunk and letting them loose with some weapons.  The footage would be fucking hilarious.  Girls getting thrown back into a crumpled heap, because they thought it was going to be fun firing a 50cal standing up with one hand.

It would also get really funny to watch a pissed up porn star open up with something full auto and a bit on the heavy side, a Bushmaster or something.  Watch how I spit out my cereal with laughter as she cuts her cute blond co-star in half as she sprays the set with live rounds.

Let’s see that shit on ‘you’ve been framed’.

I did see a video where this guy had rebuilt this old Second World War rifle and the thing exploded when he gave it a test fire.  Right next to his fucking head.

The guy wasn’t wearing any kind of protection at all, what a dick.  The look on his face when he realised that half the top of his ear was missing was just priceless.  I seriously watched that clip over and over for about fifteen minutes.  I could not stop laughing.

h0FA7F387I seem to spend most Sunday afternoons now watching fail videos and laughing at other people dumb misfortune.  I have to say watching someone hitting a tree stump while water skiing at high speed is better than actually water skiing.

One of my favourites is when a guy calls this bird that’s up on this mezzanine floor thing.  She looks over the side trying to be all sexy and puts her face into the path of a really fast and quite solid celling fan.  “Hey fuckers!”  Clang.  Brilliant.

So yeah, I have written a book and just announced that I have nothing better to do with my time than watch really old fail clips and redneck porn.  I think it’s a middle-age thing.

Thanks for listening.


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