Monthly Archives: March 2014

Dude, where’s my brain?

How the fuck do you lose a passenger plane?

If it was a little plane like one of those ones that you see crashed in a field that are owned by the likes of Top Gear’s James May or some business type showing off with his mates.  Or some oligarch getting a blow job from a Ukrainian model slamming his helicopter into the floor; but a passenger plane on a chartered flight on a busy route?  It doesn’t add up.  What the fuck is going on in the world of aviation?

Don’t they have a GPS tracking system in them that you can’t turn off like what I’ve got in my mobile phone?  My phone costs like £300, I’m pretty sure that that plane is worth a tad more than that.

bodyWhen I first heard about the Malaysian airliner going missing I thought ‘alien abduction’!  Then I though some mad Bermuda Triangle type X-Files event over the South China Sea, something to do with HAARP maybe?

Then my mind started to wander a little, and we all know what my brains like when it goes for a stroll.

After I heard that the plane took a detour after it had switched off its communications and that the two men with stolen passports were cleared of any terrorist involvement I stated to wonder.  What if it’s the most elaborate organ harvesting racket ever conceived?

Think about it.  The pilot’s family has been taken by some Asian cartel and he is forced to turn the plane and land it on some makeshift runway somewhere in Mongolia or Kazakhstan, somewhere like that.  Then all the cartel has to do is enter the plane, get everyone one to busses and take them to some secret holding area ready to be opened up.

kamara300A few guns, a few pissed up backstreet surgeons and we’re talking the biggest single organ score in history, genius.

I’d like to think that it was run by an alien race but… wishful thinking.

It would be great though if on one of the news reports they would mention aliens.  I think that would probably get more coverage than the actual plane going missing.  ‘National news anchor goes apeshit in ‘extra-terrestrial’ conspiracy rant’.  That would be slightly cool on the front page of the sun.  Better than the usual celebrity gossip or nationalist tripe they usually print.

I can see Chris Kamara thinking it’s something to do with little green men.  The man is a legend.

I can’t wait for the authorities to start finding the evisirated bodies of the passengers on the idyllic beaches of the Pacific islands.  Deep joy.  Brains missing, lungs missing, kidneys missing, limbs missing even.  The authority’s then have to go through the flight manifest to identify each one, if the local sea life has left anything to identify that is.  Have you ever seen a body that’s been gnawed upon by crabs?  Not pretty.

I really hope I haven’t hit the nail on the head on this one, the last thing I want is the FBI and Interpol bursting through my front door because I wrote some idiotic blog post that hardly anybody reads.  Stranger things have happened though.

It’s probably something boring like terrorists that are pissed off about something and haven’t got the capacity to sit down and talk out their problems so they kill a bunch of innocent people further vilifying their cause.  In other words a pack of murderous twats have nicked a plane because they don’t like Mc Donald’s or the fact that the western world doesn’t treat their women like complete shit.

I’d just like to point out that at this point England are destroying Italy 6-24 at half time in the Six Nations, well in!

dude_wheres_my_car_premiere_a_lI’ve lost stuff before, my phone, my wallet, my door keys (usually on a night out)  but I don’t think I’d have the absentmindedness to lose a whole fucking jumbo jet.  It’s like those to twats that lost their car, so no I have an image of the tower at the Malaysian airport being run by Ashton Kutcher and Seann William Scott.  The blood runs cold.

Who the fuck would let those two fucktards even drive let alone own a car?

It pains me to think that they let people that can’t even spell ‘driving licence’ have a licence and own something that can kill.

I saw a car go past me the other day, it was quite nice, a new golf, a black one two, looked smart but it was driven by what looked like a child.   He had his mates with him and I’m guessing the collective age was around 45 between 3 of them.  They were listening to really bad pop music.  I lost all hope at that point.

It’s when you see selfie videos on vine of people driving and then you hear people getting upset that their mates have died in car accidents.  They were on their phone filming themselves singing along to the Hanson’s while drinking a flavoured fucking Frappuccino, what the fuck did you expect was going to happen.  They belong dead!

And with more and more people hitting the roads in a time where common sense is at its lowest in my opinion (let’s face it, BBC3 deserves to go and before you start it’s not the only channel that has a high youth output, it’s just shite, what the fuck does Pramface even mean?) it doesn’t bode well for regular folk.

And all those people that hang around car parks at night just looking at each-others cars, please.  If these cars were actually that good they wouldn’t be owned by spotty car nerds that think a valid night out is finger blasting their bird in a ford focus outside pets at home.

Keep your chin up thick people, gives us thinking folk a better chance to land a fuck off ‘smart’ punch to that Neanderthal like jaw.


By the power of Numbskull

Are you really trying to tell me nobody realised that Prince Adam of Eternia and He-Man were the same person?  Is that really how shallow the good folk of that planet are that they only look at the dudes pink shirt or tight fitting bondage gear to be able to recognise him?

It’s like living in Shoreditch, full of wankers!

3079980647_14633e8e23_oWhat’s next, Skeletor knocking about in an Aztec pattern shirt or Man at Arms wearing a fishtail parka and scarf in summer?  He does come across as a bit of a hipster with that moustache.  You know he has a vinyl collection and carries a portable record player when he’s not on duty.

And that goes for superman; all he did was take off a pair of glasses and drop his strides in a phone-box.  He wouldn’t be able to get away with it nowadays, there are cameras everywhere and he would end up on some kind of register.

It’s not the first time a video of some bloke taking his kit off in public has done the rounds on the interweb.

Who uses a phone-box these days?

I’m not the biggest fan of super heroes, I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea that there could be people out there that can see through walls or fly; just showing off in my book.  And the majority of them are double hard psychos that take it upon themselves to save the humans from danger.  What a pack of douche pickles.

Stuff like Batman is all right, he’s just a bloke with a shit tonne of money and a few neurotic imbalances and a penchant for beating the shit into people.  Tell me you wouldn’t do the same if you won the Euro-millions jackpot.

It would be great and we all have a shit list that we would love to see out, I’m sure.  Mine’s pretty extensive.  If I did win the lotto a couple of people would wake up on a game reserve with a two hour head start.

111111I’d have to dress like some ‘great white hunter’ and ride on the back of a jeep with a fuck off big elephant gun.  They won’t get far.  But if they do manage to escape my evil clutches the perimeter grenade I would have had surgically implanted in their guts will finish them off.

Like a cross between the films Running Man and Fortress.

I wouldn’t mind some super powers though.  It would be pretty awesome to be able to fly or to teleport or to walk through walls.  Imagine the opportunities for a man that could read people’s minds, Jeremy Kyle would be out of a job.  Mind you he’d have his hands full running for his life across the Serengeti.  I’d let his escape just to watch his stomach burst.

Then in started thinking of really fucked up super powers you could have like being able to click your fingers and the skin of whoever you were looking at would just vanish.  I’d watch a live 1 direction gig and just as they hit the stage look at the people in the first three rows and click my fingers.  Panic stations.

The fans would be screaming for a very different reason that night.

Super human strength would be a bit of a plus but with great power comes great responsibility.  I wouldn’t be able to trust myself.  I wouldn’t be able to go on a night out and get drunk because on the walk home I’d be stacking cars up or turning them upside down.

punchPeople would probably not understand and hunt me down like some kind of freak.  An outcast I’d have to join some traveling carnival as a strongman spending my days punching out pikeys for a fiver a time in some sideshow attraction.  Oh the good life.

I once came up with some really fucked up super hero ideas for a few short stories but had to scrap them on the grounds of good taste.  I had a super-duo called King Rape and Boy Nazi, but they sounded too much like a neo-fascist reggae band.

There was another one that I had that might have really pissed people off.  It was about a kid with Down’s syndrome that dressed in a black wet suit and tried to be a super hero like Batman with disastrous results.  He called himself ‘The Black Spastic’.  I binned it for obvious reasons.

Time travel, that’s the one.  Dr Who is an amazing concept for a super hero.  Think of all the things you could see and do and take part in.  Those moments that makes it great to be part of the human race.

Not only could you be there when they uncovered Tutankhamun’s tomb but you could go back and see the tomb being built.  You could witness the big bang and see the last seconds of the universe all in the same day.

The chance to be at your birth and your funeral.

Is zombification a super power?  In theory you can’t die as you are already dead and therefore impervious to such things as being stabbed or shot.  You don’t breathe so you can travel underwater for as long as you like (as long as a shark doesn’t cop a hold of you, right Fulci fans!) and you can’t be strangled.

There are down sides.  You are technically rotting and you have to sustain yourself (depending on what books you read) on the flesh of the living.  The idea that at some point you could burst and spill your guts on the pavement from a bowel gas explosion isn’t to everyone’s taste.  That and having to eat your loved one’s… and you will end up eating your loved ones.

Polar-Bear-in-HouseThe tissue of your brain will start to breakdown and you will end up losing your marbles ripping your parents, siblings, children (pets?) or significant others into human sushi.  Nice.

I recon I’d like to have the ability to turn into any animal; that would be great.  You get into a tight spot, ‘poof’ just turn into a mouse and scuttle under a door.  Change into a bear and when the bad guys open the door to stamp on the mouse  you can hand them their arse Kodiak style.

Just imagine turning into a cat, adopting a family with a hot milf for a mother and sitting on her lap getting your belly stroked while she stays up watching news night guzzling down a box of wine.  Then you can turn into a bear when she’s sufficiently pissed and wax that ass… Kodiak style!

I need my mind erased before someone dies!

So guess what…

… I’m an angry man.

AngryMan_301756261[1]The thing is I don’t even know why I’m angry, I just hate everything and I can’t get away from my anger.  It’s always there; even when I’m asleep I have angry dreams.  I can’t remember a time when I had a decent nights rest without waking up agitated at some point in the night.

I grind my teeth.  I look at my coffee cup.  I think about all people within a half mile radius suddenly dropping dead.

I look back at the computer.  I can hear people out on the main road from my window.  I feel slightly robbed that no one has died.

I think about having lunch.

It has got to the point now that I can’t be anything but angry and it has turned me into a bitter, spiteful person.  I feel almost nothing for people anymore and that includes the people closest to me.  I can count the people closest to me on one hand.

I need a holiday from myself.

And not just some body swap thing where I take on the life of someone else.  I don’t want to look in the mirror and see someone else.  I want a completely different brain, another consciousness.  I want to look in the mirror and see myself; the mind that I have now just simple wouldn’t exist.

You know, like in Total Recall.

What I wouldn’t give to have my mind erased and have someone else’s life put into the blank sponge of my brain.  Nothing too ostentatious, I don’t want to be James Bond.  I wouldn’t want to be some pop star either.  I think I have a little more imagination than that.  Who would want to be Miley Cyrus anyhow?  Her own fucking tongue can’t stand her and is trying to escape her head for fuck sake.

I just don’t want to be me for a while.

Something relaxing, like a retired geography teacher.  I could spend my days pottering around the garden with my memories of the old school days.  Popping off to the shed to see how the home brew is coming along.  Off down to the allotment during the week to see how the bee hives are doing.  A long bike ride into the next village to that butchers who do those sausages I like once a week.

Anything has got to be better than being angry all the time.

It’s a horrible thing to be trapped in your own head.  You can’t escape yourself no matter how far to run.  Wherever you go, there you are.

Maybe I could have a mind swap with someone truly evil, just for a laugh.  A serial killer, one of those really fucked up, wearing the skins of the dead, rooting a few freshly dug up corpses, got their own recipes for every part of the body ones.

maxresdefaultOne of those really mentally deluded one’s that has violent hallucinations and vivid relationships with multiple personalities.  One of those guys that might have a brain tumour in the wrong place.  The growth won’t kill him, just make him see and do some fucked up shit.

Have you ever wondered what goes through these people heads?  Just to have the opportunity to be like that for a few days would be hilarious.  The things you’d think about.  “Mrs Parsons from number 35 has got a new dog and it doesn’t like me.  It’s one of those yappy things that shits everywhere.  I’m going to break in tonight and rape-kill her then feed her to that bastard dog.”  That kind of train of thought as normal as if he was thinking through his shopping list.

“Bread, milk, beans, claw hammer to the back of the head of that cute blonde who works at the library when she’s going to her car, cheese cake, orange juice, oh and don’t forget the lotto.”

I’m thinking Pad Thai and spring rolls for lunch.  Maybe Phat si-io.  Maybe.

Or maybe trying on some kind of megalomaniacal dictator.  Not one that exists in history (or present day depending on your political outlook) even I would find it a little crass to go into the mind swap shop and ask for Hitler or Pol Pot.  Some kind of future commissar type.

The Joseph Stalin of 2150.

Yeah, genocide, try that on like a cheap suit in a discount store and see how it fits.  They didn’t have that as an option in Total Recall.  It would have been a very different film if the hero was Cohaagen.

I’d force people to have IQ test at gun point.  If they don’t get higher than say 100 then they will be sent to the camps.  Use the hair of the dead to make paint brushes to paint 300ft high portraits of me in some square that I will name Freedom Park; cheap irony is not lost on this autocrat.

funny-hitler10Have some kind of Jeremy Kyle style show where the participants are judged by the audience.  Taking it back to gladiatorial Rome.  Thumbs up, thumbs down; the fate of the scum on the show is in the hands of the public.  I’m surprised that some of the more let’s say, less progressive places on this rock haven’t thought of that already.  North Korea, I’m looking at you.  And you can stop laughing China. 

Sometimes all you’ll have to do is read the shows tag line to know which way the crowd will decide.  If you have to be told that fucking the neighbour’s dog is bad then you need to be taken out back and shot.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m by no means a fascist.  I just think it would be a laugh to be one for a holiday.  Maybe a South American one, down where there’s plenty of sunshine.  Maybe Europe, I do prefer European food, and the beer is better.  I like those little dumplings they do in the Far East too. Dim Sum.  Champion.

I’m basically choosing where I’d want to start my maniacal reign of terror basted on some bizarre gastro-holiday. 

Thomson Holidays would be very different in my world.  ‘Get away from it all, see the world and it’s culture then destroy it under the boots of your robot-like storm-troopers’.

Eradicate an ethnic group because my artwork doesn’t sell.  Have my officers outfitted at Hugo Boss because you can’t have poorly dressed backroom staff.  Start a totalitarian regime and try to take over the world but end up killing myself and my pinup model girlfriend in a suicide/sex pact.  Get set on fire by Russians in a bomb crater.  Have your burnt corpse hung upside down in Freedom Park so that the population can beat it with bats and cut off your cooked genitals to feed them to a pack of manky foxes.

Now I’m thinking Tod Man Pla with that awesome ginger-chilli dipping sauce, I love those little fried fish cakes.


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