Book my gym session… you wild bitch!

He had to keep running, the treadmill was way past the safe level and he knew he couldn’t just stop.  He was a little too far away from the controls now to turn down the speed and he was very much aware of the gorgeously trim brunet on the rowing machine next to him.  Sweat poured from him and he could feel the lactic acid in every joint to the point where he thought he would bust.  Then his legs gave way sending backwards into the massive wall length mirror.  Shattered glass, blood and screaming, the girl just kept on rowing.

Hipster culture is slowly tacking over the planet.

Have you looked at your high street lately?  Remember when the kids used to ware hoodies, hang outside fast food joints and looked genuinely menacing, smoking weed and drinking bottles of fruit-based alcohopops.  Now they ware chinos and are obsessed with the gym; honestly these kids look like beefed up versions of Morrissey for fuck sake, I’m expecting to get mugged by a kid on a 3 speed with a book basket any day now.

I shouldent complain so much, it used to be a knife these fuckers were carrying, now it’s just good diction, a baguette and some bronzing spray but I must have missed a meeting somewhere down the line; aren’t these kids supposed to look hard?  Some of these little bastards wouldn’t look out of place in some French black and white art-house film.

Seriously, I almost long for the past when I felt uneasy just popping to the shops for milk, fags and a bogroll; “Need smokes, need a shit, am I getting stabbed up tonight? “

I think I’m getting nostalgic for ‘chav’ culture; Burberry caps, Pittbulls and Adidas tracksuit bottoms!

I saw a guy on the train with a bird that was a dead (excuse the pun) ringer for Amy Winehouse and couldn’t have been more than 17 with less fabric coverage on her than a pole dancer that looked like he could bench about 250 kilos, the kid’s arms were fucking massive, yet he looked like Clark Kent from the original superman movie, All quiff, cardigan and big glasses.  What happened to nerds, why is it cool to look like one now?  Just because you look like Bill Gates doesn’t mean you’re going to earn his sort of cash you steroid guzzling asshole and your girlfriend looks like a dead junkie man, she’s only got that fucking beehive to stash her methadone and your dirty roids needles in you mugs!

And why is everyone obsessed with the gym now anyway?  I’m not gonna knock personal fitness or self-improvement or a healthy lifestyle in any way but there is a difference in buying a bike and hitting the weights every day for four hours before you get to work, just so you can impress the rest of the blokes you work with your awesome guns, get to fuck!

I guess it’s down to the massive influx of eastern European guys coming over that have grown up with the gym and gym orientated sports like Greco-Roman wrestling that has got the average British guy worried.  Do you feel a little inadequate little English boy, think that Yuri is going to steal your Mrs with his awesome calf muscle display?  Please, save me from this mentality.

When I was a youth I never knew of this kind of gym lifestyle, sure people when to the gym and worked out but not your average John on the street, I never knew anybody from the working class areas that played squash, what the fuck?  Now I know loads of people that play the bastard.

Golf… when did normal blokes start playing golf?  What happened to the average working man that watched the footie to suddenly think ‘I know what I’m missing from my life’ and hit the links?  Builders don’t play golf, they drink beer and watch the rugby and complain about England managers over a plate of fried offal in the mornings not what Tiger hit that day at Gleneagles; has the world gone insane?

And you know what, I think I know why I don’t get it… it’s my fear of age discrimination.  I don’t want to be in the rows of fit young things that have been going to the gym for the last few years looking all ripped and trim; me at 35 sat in amongst them in my sleeveless dawn of the dead t-shirt with my gut hanging out, sweating like a paedophile at a kids party and getting laughed at.  There I said it; I don’t want to get laughed at.

That’s the bottom line, blokes my age have to go full bore at it or else nobody really takes them seriously.  It’s like in a job interview; you may be more than qualified to do some kind of job but a lot of employers would rather take on someone that they can train up for the job rather than somebody that can do the thing with their eyes shut.  I think it’s a case of keeping the youth close by to keep a grasp on their youth before it slips away.  That and you would rather a nice young hard bodied secretary than some old biddy with one tit drooping into your morning coffee.

Age discrimination, it really happens and if you think I’m just being a bit ‘me’ on this one, just wait till you get to my age and you’ll see, you won’t have a fucking clue what the youth are going on about, especially at the rate they develop these days.

But I leave you now tired and restless, old and grumpy, middle aged and misunderstood… I also have to book my swimming sessions for the next few months so laters.