Big Throbbing Truth Nuggets!

Some people say that honesty is the best policy.

We all know this not to be the case. 

Take for example when you ask your lady friend for a blow job in a shopping mall bathroom because the girl in Topman had the most amazing arse (that you pointed out) and it made you horny. 

Or when someone asks you how you think they look and you reply with the less than adequate “pretty fucking rough actually” when they wanted to hear something complimentary.  If they wanted a compliment maybe they should have had a good night’s sleep and not wore clothes that made them look like a beat up old hooker.

Just like that dinner party when they served oysters and you said you don’t like them because they taste like warmed up snot with garlic and lemon juice.  You weren’t being rude, you just don’t like oysters.  But you should have seen their faces; it was like I took a shit on the trifle.

What?  I don’t fucking like oysters. 

Or that time your half blind auntie knitted you a jumper with what she thought was a reindeer on the front.  Telling her that it looked like a moose with Down’s syndrome and that you felt like a twat wearing it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was the truth.  And she’s always going on about honesty being the best policy. 

And do you remember that time your friend put on that photography exhibition and it turned out to be just a load of blown up black and white pictures of tramps.  And do you remember how disappointed they were when you said you thought it was a failed attempt at gritty realism that did nothing but dumb down the subject matter; that it was only exploitation of the poor from the perspective of 1^st world bias. 

They wanted your opinion, why did they get put out of joint about it when you gave it to them?  If you hadn’t of said that they may have just kept taking crap photographs, they didn’t have to throw you out and drop you from their Facebook. 

It really was a crap exhibition… they work for a magazine now…. Not a good one but still, I like to think that my input may have helped.

Or perhaps that time you got punched in the face because you said that bloke’s girlfriend was a mouthy bitch that needed putting on a lead.  She was the one causing the trouble that night and threw a drink over you, you told her to sort her fucking life out and you get punched for it. 

The funny side to the story is that I later heard the guy ended up in prison for beating her up a few months later.  Guess he had enough of the troublesome cow too.

Maybe it was the time when you were a child and you say those bigger boys picking on that slow kid down by the lakes and you told your folks who then told you off for ‘telling tales’.  Well fuck you all, I hope next time they kill the stammering prick and I won’t say shit.

The blood will be on your fucking hands then.

Or that time you were stopped in the street while shopping by someone from the Christian youth church and asked if you believed in Jesus and all the good work he does.  Then they start to berate you quite aggressively in public because you pleasantly said that you were not interested because you didn’t believe in fairy tales.  She can damn you to hell because they probably have better music, booze and company down there… if you believed in such nonsense. 

Some Christian she was.

Or that time you got pulled over by the police on the way home from the pub and they asked you where you were going and you said “what’s it to you?”  You got searched 10 feet from your front door because the nosy fuckers had nothing better to do and you told them so.

They said I looked shifty, I said they looked like troublesome homosexuals and I get arrested.  I wasn’t the one rummaging around in my pants looking for a knife or drugs that just weren’t there.  I told them so but they said I was lying. 

I never got the apology I asked for. 

And do you remember the time you walked a girl home from the pub and it started going around that you had fucked he in the bushes.  And when you explained that nothing had happened and you were the perfect gentleman no one believed you.  If you had have fucked her and told people you did they probably wouldn’t believe you either. 

I guess what I’m driving at is that people get really offended by the truth.  And I hate to get all Jack Nicolson on you guys but “YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

It’s this ‘being nice’ attitude that gets Miranda Hart constant work.  If we just sat her down and explained to her that most people can’t connect with her because she is overtly posh and people find her creepy due to her odd body shape she might give up the ghost. 

I mean I find her very confusing, is she meant to be a woman? 

And is she meant to be funny?  I always thought the point of a comedic actor was to make people laugh.  I sat through an episode of her show and the only time I laughed was when I was daydreaming that a pack of homeless would turn up and turn the whole farce into a home invasion/rape scenario. 

That’s where I want my television licence fee to go.