The feast continued with human skulls filled with Crème Anglaise

But the mayor was too full to guzzle down the last sliver of the cooked woman on his plate.  He was completely gorged on human flesh.

The gravy was so rich and by the pint full; the vegetables had been plentiful and the potatoes crisp.  But the meat; oh the meat was sweeter than anything he had ever experienced. 

Old man Cole certainly knew how to cook a human.  And it was good to know that the woman’s suffering had only added to the tenderization process and the quality of the meal. 

Bon apatite.

This is a bit of a continuation from the last post that I put up and even I thought that I was being a little negative.  So you know what?  I’m doing away with the negative stuff and just going for what I know… gore.

I always moan that I hate Christmas and I don’t celebrate it but I always end up having a good time and enjoying the festivities in my own way.

For example, this year I’m using my new found redundancy time off to get a real head start on writing as a full time career choice.

I’m also planning on cooking a really good meal for me and my lady friend this year.  Last year I had a pizza and a shit tonne of snack food.  This year I’m cooking a duck with all the trimmings.  Not because it’s Christmas, just because I can.  The butcher is putting it aside for me, top bloke.  And I’m cooking it on Christmas Eve, not on the day.

It’s not like I’ve put a tree up or anything.

To tell the truth, I can’t remember the last time I actually had a proper Christmas dinner with any of my family.  I had one round a friends place around five years ago, but other than that…

Strange. 

now that's a marinade

now that’s a marinade

Wouldn’t it be fun if we lived in a reality where the eating of human flesh was part of the Christmas tradition?  At the last supper Jesus did give the “this is my body, this is my blood” speech, so it would be fitting… if you believe in such nonsense.  A Middle Eastern guy with a Spanish name; yeah, right.

Human sacrifice was an all too common occurrence.  That could be a good way to deal with prison overcrowding after all.  All the life sentenced criminals get served up in butchers windows, sliced up and oven ready.  I wouldn’t mind having a go.

Apparently it is like a cross between turkey and pork.  I bet the skin turns into great crackling on a nice slow roast.  And the gravy you could make with the dripping in the roasting tin.  I bet it would be just superb.

Food and Drink would be a totally different show.  I really want to know which wine goes best with a 30 year old rapist casseroled with brambly apples and India pale ale.

Just what desert do you follow with after serving up a rich paedophile stroganoff?

SE10251CbI don’t really see much of a problem with cannibalism; and just where our vegetarian friends would sit on the subject?  Would they consider human flesh animal?  Would you get picky bastards like those twats that don’t eat any meat except chicken?

 

“No, I don’t eat humans unless they are Native American.”

I think I would get my butcher to prepare my human for roasting.  Get the bastard trussed up like one of those pre-boned turkey crowns.  Really easy roasting.

I’d go for a rich sausage meat and chestnut stuffing with asparagus and roasted winter vegetables; beats, potatoes, parsnips and carrots.  Probably chunky bits of butternut squash in there too, with some fresh thyme sprinkled on before it gets whacked in the oven.

Top hole. 

Just imagine some of the budget cuts of meat you’ll get.  Face.

I don’t fancy the idea of tinned bollocks either.  Mechanically reconstituted ‘bits’ in brine.  I mean Fray Bentos pies are bad enough, just think of how bad it would be if it was made with human arseholes and brain matter.  Human kidneys and shin meat.  Tasty.

face foodIn some parts of the world it’s almost traditional to eat human meat, during the winter months anyway.  Just look at Russia during the 1921 famine.  Cannibalism was fucking rife.  Sometimes they didn’t wait for you to keel over from old age or starvation either.  Smack, a bat around the back of the head then you’re bobbing about in the stew pot with an onion up your arse.

Fuck that. 

Some of the stuff we eat nowadays anyway; I reckon that human would be a bit of a step up from some of the processed trash we stuff down.  Just have a look at your local super markets frozen section next time you go shopping.  Some of the cheap shit in there is almost not even real food.  Burgers in chip shop batter for fuck sake.

Those horrid Scottish square sausage slices that are 75% pork fat and 15% sawdust.  30 budget ‘chicken’ nuggets for £1.  Yeah, like that isn’t just the birds skin mashed up with a tonne of salt and coated in breadcrumbs.

Does anyone actually still eat corned beef?  It’s not the first thing I think of when I think sandwich fillings nowadays.  Mind you I’m not thinking about putting in someone sliced up arse cheek either.

Mind you I saw a woman buying about 6 half litre tubs of egg mayonnaise sandwich filling the other day in Iceland.  No thank you.  I try not to eat anything that tastes like a wet fart.

I used to work with a bloke that had egg sandwiches pretty much every day and would stink the work van out every time he opened his lunch box.  What a cunt. Couldn’t have bought a block of cheese could he?

Give me a nice filet humaine any day.


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